I had a message yesterday from someone on twitter yesterday in which they said they admired my ability to cover my fear, I didn’t answer it at the time as 140 chrs would have been impossible. I just hope the lover of honeyed parsnips is reading today. To some I know that it will sound odd but fear isn’t actually something that I really feel towards my MS. At times I guess I have, but not in the way I would fear someone standing with a knife at my throat, there has never been what I would call a tangible fear. At first when I was told that I had a progressive condition I did have a fear of what it would do to me, more a fear or worry about each individual symptom, not about the whole condition or the fact that my life will eventually shortened by it. Fear I think is far to strong a word and I know from talking with others all those feelings of first diagnosis don’t seem to last for any of us for any great length of time.
Even now when I have so much of my life taken over by it and so many symptoms that no longer permit me to live the life I dreamed of, I still have no fear. There is a strange acceptance of the fact that this is the way life is, a feeling of having to take each step as it appears and doing what I can to deal with it. Even now when I know all to well what each thing on it’s own does and what together they are capable of, I still don’t fear my MS or my mortality. The closest I get to fear is the feeling that I have about the speed things are moving. There is the small window in my life that I don’t want to look at and that is the window now opening further. With the development of my mind now creating it’s own stories and it’s own reality. I wouldn’t use a word as strong as fear, but the thought of being locked in that state doesn’t fill me with joy shall we say.
Illness is an odd place to find yourself and I understand that so many who are fit and well can’t totally grasp the place that our minds live in when we know our own mortality, but fear for me is not one of them. I have said before the being forgetful is often a blessing and I guess this to falls into that category, I can with ease forget the things that scare me, regardless how real they are. Maybe a simple way to explain it is this, I live my life in physical pain all the time, but when one area stops hurting until it starts again, I forget it. When asked by someone where do I get pain and what is it like, I can answer with ease about those doing so at that second, but I find it hard to remember all those that are giving me peace. My entire life is like that, I can answer with confidence about how I feel now, but last week, I don’t know and I know even less about next week or year, what I don’t know or can’t remember can do me no harm, and less so can I fear it.
I live my life now in a peaceful state mentally, I don’t get upset often and usually when I do it too passes into what I don’t remember. There is a tranquility now in my life that is a joy to live in and one that I wish I could teach all others to understand and live in to. There aren’t many pluses that come with illness, but this is one of them, one that make life easier to enjoy and live.