Not just nerves

I am having one of painful days, not scream and double up in agony, no the subtle and more where you down by the minute pain. I can’t remember when I last had a day free of spasms anyone in the same room can see the cringe and grab of a bad spasm but not all of them are like that. There is a much more gentle in it’s approach spasm that grasps a muscle and holds, to describe how it feels I would say it is more like someone has grasped it with their hand with a constant pressure that takes at times hours to subside. That does sound as though it isn’t worth paying attention to, but you can’t ignore it, while sat still, it burns as though just that bit too close to the fire and tensed enough to feel tight, you can’t relax it and without you noticing the tighten spreading it’s effect onto those near by. My right calf, the main muscle at the back is now in this gentle spasm, along with the muscles running on the outside of my shin, neither of these can I free back to there normal relaxed condition. It’s knock on effect is along the outside of my right foot, slowly the muscles keep tightening and lifting my toes off the floor, but my foot I can relax I can setting back flat to the floor and release the tension, ignored for a second and the lift starts again, leave it to tighten until the pain starts and I again fix it’s position. The spasms that I can’t release are in both lower legs, slightly different muscles, my right outer thigh, the back of my left thigh and my right forearm, add in the knock on tension that never stops and you will understand the fatigue that builds over the hours.

With that picture building in your mind, now imagine trying to stand up and walk with muscles that are frozen, that won’t react to balance changes that we all make every second as we move around with out thought, forcing other muscles to take over the weight and the work. I know that some of my leg muscles have become almost ridged over the years a I can’t remember having been able to walk normally for years, I have is a stiffened gate which with my body trying to compensate with others is were the drunken movements that are seen in MS. The damage in my left leg has lead to my left foot dragging slightly, what is called foot drop, it is a hard motion to explain as it isn’t just a drag it is a though when your foot is going forward the outside ankle bone and top of the foot, is leading the foot rather than your you feet being level to the ground and you toes leading. I hate to think what I would look like if the other one joins in, my left foot was one of the first visible symptoms, announcing to the world there was something wrong.

Spasms can be crippling at there worst, exhausting at their best and worse still they become normal. There is no escape from them and their gentler side is part of what has to be lived with. I have tried medications for them and I am on Gabapentin 900mg three times a day to help with the pain and the spasticity of my muscles so how I would be without it, I am not sure nor do I want to find out really, I think I am past the experimenting with my drugs well the ones I have been on long term. Spasms are not totally confined to your legs, there is one more to add in, as I believe that is what it is, well it really feels like one, and like others it can be mild and just uncomfortable or it can be painful, the MS hug. The link will take you to a post dedicated to just that strange phenomenon. Although MS is an illness that the nerves are the route of the problem some somehow forget nerves are connected to things, and anything they are connected to are affected.