I woke last night just after 1am as I needed to go to the loo, it was the scariest journey I have taken through my own home in ages. When I woke I was aware straight away that I didn’t feel right, sitting on the edge of my bed proved how right I was, I felt so completely drunk that although I knew I had had nothing alcoholic outside of my normal evening Gin and Tonic, I was questioning myself over and over. I don’t know how I got to the bathroom or back to my bed as the whole time I was on my feet, I was actually expecting to find myself flat on my face on the carpet. I have always hated that sensation and it is the reason that I have never liked getting drunk, in fact. I would go as far as to say that it is the reason that I don’t understand why anyone lets themselves become drunk. I have always been the sort of drinker who sipped slowly and made one or two drinks last a whole night, that second one was always a struggle, as I knew by the end of it I would wish I hadn’t had it as that swimming feeling would have taken over and I would be just like last night worried about staying on my feet, not that I ever remember falling due to alcohol, it was and is a constant fear. If you add in the fact that it is impossible to put on any lights to assist the passage across the hallway and my normal inability to stay firmly upright, well my fears make sense. That drunk sensation is of course part of MS and for many is one of the first symptoms, feeling dizzy and unsteady on your feet is all to familiar, it also make me look back with a question over those occasions years ago when I felt drunk after just a few mouthfuls, were they in fact not the alcohol at all. Last night though was on the plus plus side of drunk, even to the extent that I had flashing lights on the inside of my eyelids and felt as though I could be sick any second, getting back to my bed was a huge blessing and once I was lying down again, it took seconds to find sleep, but I was horrified when the alarm sounded to find that I still felt ill and if I am truthful, I still have the edge of dizziness plaguing every second, all too familiar as a hangover, which just isn’t fair as I honestly didn’t have the pleasure of enjoying anything extra to drink.
There is a twist to all of this and that is I do know that food can make me feel this way at times, it used to happen a lot but these days it is occasional and I fell right into it’s trap this morning. By 8:30 I was feeling brighter and I headed off to the kitchen to fetch my breakfast, which I enjoyed, but now, well I fell rotten, I just want to head to bed curl up and feel sorry for myself. MS and my other conditions can throw whatever they want at me and I cope, but when it makes me feel like this, well it is the one thing that always wins, the only thing that defeats me. I didn’t notice it last night as I was totally overpowered by the feeling of being drunk, but I am very aware this morning of my diaphragm and lower ribs are in a constant spasm, every time I have to stand up to go somewhere my stomach joins in which could have something to do with me feeling sick all the time.
There was one odd addition to my middle of the night wondering, I suddenly found myself with an extreme itch in the middle of my back, I stretched my right arm behind me and to my joy for once I could reach it, but I was shocked to find that as soon as I touched my thumbnail to my skin, it felt like I was trying to scratch my back with an ultra-sharp knife. Now this is the same nail I have been happily sticking into my skin all over the place to check how much I can still feel and all to often have found I can feel almost nothing. When I got up this morning I double checked it and it still felt the same way, so either my back is hyper sensitive beyond anything I remember, or the feeling in the rest of my body is far worse than I first thought. It brings me back to one of my favourite question, how are we supposed to know if something has changed when we can’t actually remember how it used to be? Being ill can be incredibly frustrating but not for the reasons that the able-bodied might think, not being able to walk or get out of the house, or being unable to pick things up without dropping them, aren’t frustrating, the frustration comes from all the impossible questions that other and ourselves, always want answered. I am quite sure that I could write a book filled with nothing but annoying questions.
I had some plans worked out of what I was going to do today, but that was when I had totally forgotten that Adam was off work today. It is apparently the September weekend, a very old-fashioned holiday in Glasgow which I am sure most of the people who live here can’t even remember the reason for, I have an excuse as I am not a Glaswegian, I suspect it has something to do with the shipyards, most of the odd holidays in Glasgow do. Anyway he is here and snoring happily on the settee, which means I won’t be doing what I planned, having a shower and dying my hair, it isn’t that Adam stops me doing those things, but I, of course, spend time with him talking and that means I get out of sync with what I should be doing and I just won’t have the time. So I am now putting myself back into Sunday mode, which of course means I will be lost with the rest of this week if life wasn’t confusing enough for me already.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 29/09/12 – Life plus Drifting
Two Rooms Plus Utilities 