I have been trying so hard over the past week to find the time to simply write. Somehow, I have found myself unable to do even the little I would normally do in any given day. It is taking me an entire day, every day, to just manage my Twitter account. For some reason recently I’ve just been able to get up each morning, then sit here working my way through the twitter task list, that I’ve been using for years. Whereas I used to be able to be finished at around 1:30, giving me the rest of the day to sit writing, playing games or whatever takes my fancy. But now it’s been suddenly 4:30 or even 5:30 and I have done nothing but complete that task list, and I’m exhausted. I know that writing is just sitting here letting my brain drop out on to the page, but when you can’t even find that brain through the fog of fatigue, well you can’t write, moronic games are about all I can manage and I’m even finding myself frustrated by them.
So this morning, I grabbed the day and shook it into shape, even though I was up late, I was once more working well and I wasn’t letting my brain drift or disappear. Which may I tell you is really hard work. It’s far from the first time that I have gone through spells like this, in fact, they have been a constant occurrence from well before the doctors decided to give me a reason, that something I longed for things to blame them on. What I have noticed over the years is, there is only one thing you can do and that is go with them. Yes, you can shake yourself out of it for a short while, but it just comes back and your once more sinking into this quagmire that feels as though there is no way out of. So if I start to ramble, please forgive me.
I’m still fighting with the freezing nerves, it doesn’t matter how many layers of clothing I wear, at some point in every day, I will lose the fight and I’ll be in agony again. I have slowly found that the layers were actually too much. Yes, they helped my legs, but the rest of me would be pouring with sweat. It has become this never-ending game of altering what I am wearing, to deal with how things are at that second. Normally, I can wear less when I’m sat at my PC, as I have this high powered gaming machine that throws out tons of heat, sat right behind me. My legs though need those extra leggings and socks, sometimes, I’m even having to add one, two or even three wheat-bags, which I heat in the microwave. It is the evenings that I am finding the worst. I am literary strapping the wheat-bags to my legs inside my blankets while sitting in a tee-shirt and thin strappy dress. I can’t imagine that I’m cutting much of a pretty picture for Adam. Mind you, I bet he’s quite used to his rather odd wife by now.
I don’t think that my freezing nerves are helping much with my being exhausted as I am wasting so much energy daily just putting on and off clothes. I know that just going to the loo is a total nightmare. Freeing myself from the layers then sorting them all out again, often leaves my arms dead and hanging limp at my sides. When you have spent so many years just working out a routine that leaves me with enough energy to enjoy my life. It takes so little to knock this out and it’s so annoying when it happens. There is though one other factor that until the other day, never entered my head.
Due to things out with anyone’s control, mainly sickness or accidents, there have been continual changes with my carers lately. One of the women they sent as a replacement after her coming here for two weeks, I eventually chucked out of the house. She was a total waste of space and I landed up doing more and more of what was supposed to be her job. I would never have thought just a few years ago, that something so simple as the people I am used to seeing, being replaced, would actually cause me to be exhausted, but it does. The need for consistency in my life seems to be growing and I have been spoilt in the last two years as that is exactly what I’ve had. I knew on which day which people would be here, and that they come in the front door prepared to do what they always do, no need for me to stand over them, or teach them, or even explain anything to them. Now, who knows. I do know that I have lost one for good, she had an accident in December and has been trying to work ever since but has no decided to cut her hours, something that means she won’t be here anymore.
It will all be sorted out, but that doesn’t help me right now.