Busy, busy, busy……

Right now I feel as though I am on a playground roundabout, clinging tightly to the central pivot to stop myself being thrown off. There is so much to organise and to make happen in the next month that my brain is now throwing me from one job to another, it’s not even taking a proper break at night. It all sounded so simple when I said I’m going to spruce this place up again and make it the way it should be, now part of me wishes I hadn’t even thought about it. So yesterday, I decided to try and put the brakes on, to bring the whole thing down to a pace where I can at least get my head around each step. Apart from the delivery of all the stuff I have bought, nothing major is going to happen before the 21st of this month. I desperately need time for my mind to accept everything before the big push arrives. I never used to be like this, in the past, I was one of those people who once I had an idea, I made it happen that day, or if not, the day after. Now I need the time to build myself up, to settle my brain and calm down this feeling of impending doom that has taken over my life. In fact, when the decorators asked if they could start later this week, I could feel myself starting to shake inside. That was despite the fact that Adam and I had discussed it all the night before and he had already in his head, that I would need him here when the work was being done. I was so relieved when he said that. Fortunately, his boss has been able to give him the time off.

It seems that everyone who is involved in my care, all know me too well. It wasn’t just Adam, my nurses, and carers when told them of my plans all instantly asked how I was going to cope, and all looked relieved when I gave them the answer. It’s odd how we get these ideas in our heads that we are still just like everyone else and that no one but us knows the problems we live with, especially when it concerns those things in our heads. Then something happens and it turns out we aren’t people, we are books and everyone around us has read every page of us and some, everything that is written between the lines as well.

I don’t need any of them to tell me that I have been pushing myself too hard lately. I started by making what was, in fact, a horrific list of everything in this house that needs fixing or replaced. Until I found I had the funds to do something about it, I had somehow managed to know about all of it, yet sort of ignore it as well, as what could I do about it. Now every tiny thing on that list is real and growing in my mind by the second. I can’t even sit still here at my computer as I see this or that or remember I still haven’t done that other thing. I have been web surfing like I have never surfed before, trying to get the best deal on all that we need. In some cases, it has just been a case of trying to find what I need. It is amazing how some of the simplest of things, turns out to be the most obscure. Without a doubt, it would all be a lot easier if I actually had a brain. Just sticking to one task and completing it is hard as I keep thinking of another, or panicking that I just did the wrong thing. Every day when Adam gets home from work, he stands here telling me to slow down and calm down, as he can spot it the second I speak, As a result of my perpetual muddle, my speech is now also all over the place. Even his telling me how well I have done, and that it will all work out and be OK doesn’t really have the effect he is after, my racing brain doesn’t listen.

My panicked state isn’t only down to all that I am doing. My brain has put itself on high alert, there is this feeling that any minute, the one thing that could destroy all my plans might just happen, that I could be thrown into a flare. It has been my experience that this is exactly the sort of time when my body suddenly decided to do something horrendous to me. I have become hyper aware of every spasm, twitching or pain that it picks to throw at me without warning, and the ticking time bomb that all with an illness like mine lives with, seems, to sound just that bit louder. Irrational, well yes I suppose it is, as I have nothing other than fear and sod’s law to base it on, but I can still hear that ticking.

11 thoughts on “Busy, busy, busy……

  1. You are a brilliant writer. Once again I can relate to your dilemma. I also used to be able to do anything I set my mind to. Over and over again throughout the illness, I have run into walls as I try to approach tasks in the way I used to. It seems I have two speeds now. Either off, sick, and in bed, or on high and pushing myself to the limit. The illness has made my mind see everything as much more complicated than it really is. I’ve noticed that often I feel that I am capable of more than I think I am. Not in the way that I can push through something physically, but in the way that if I am afraid of doing something as simple as making a phone call, if I push through the fear and doing it, and accomplish it, it builds a tiny bit of confidence that this new self, this different self, can accomplish things. It sounds very overwhelming right now, but if you can pace yourself, I imagine that this remodel is going to be a gift of healing for you. All the best. And please, keep writing about it!

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  2. really feel for you i am just the same when we need anything doing in the house.My mind starts racing and i start to feel the impending doom,its such an awful feeling.we need some decorating done but i keep putting it off because i know too well what will happen. xx

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    • That’s one of the big issues with our brains, we don’t see that doing these things will make us feel better once it’s all done. I have been miserable about the way our home looks for years. I know no matter how hard this all is, that the results will be worth it, several years of contentment 🙂

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  3. I can definitely relate to what you’re saying about your brain being on high alert. That happens to me sometimes, and it’s definitely not fun. I hope you’re pleasantly surprised and that things will go much more smoothly than you’re anticipating.

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  4. I am glad you are busy, busy and occupied by something outside of yourself. I’m sure your projects will turn out fine, or good enough and surely better than ignoring the little things that need to be done! Read comments, I am the same about phone calls. Do not like to make calls. Internet and texting are a blessing!

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