I’ve spent today being wonderfully lazy and enjoying every single second of it. Why? Because for the first time in the last few weeks, I am relaxed. Last night, for the first time in just as long, I also slept the entire night without waking even once to go to the loo, or from pain. I don’t think I realised just how stressed I had become and how far the relief I described the other day had gone. Despite the fact that I had a bad day yesterday, it didn’t even get to me, I made my way through one thing after another, without the slightest tension and with a smile on my face.

I had woken yesterday morning with the all too familiar pain of my diaphragm being in spasm. It has been bugging me for previous a few days, just like my bladder, it doesn’t appreciate it when my intestines are over full and causing undue pressure on it. My breathing has been a little on the rough side but like everything else, I just get on with it, taking the occasional reading of my oxygen levels, just to be on the safe side. At it’s worst, it has dipped into the low 80’s and its best I managed to peak at 95. I’ve learned to deal with it by keeping my breathing shallow by steady, as long as I don’t panic, I’m OK. I learned that one years ago, as I used to naturally panicked every time I couldn’t breathe, just as anyone would, and it always made things worse.

The pain I woke with in my left side refused to go away and by the time the district nurse arrived, lying on it so she could administer the enema, was pretty unbearable. Even when I sleep now, I remain flat on my back as my body has learned the hard way that rolling is best avoided. For those who don’t know, when you have an enema, you need to lie on your side for as long as possible, to allow the liquid to do its work. Normally, I am able to stay there for at least ten minutes, sometimes, I have to twist myself so that I am still on my left hip, but my shoulders are flat on the bed. My body didn’t want to play yesterday, I hadn’t been there for no more than a couple of minutes when my intercostal muscles started going into spasm. I did all I could to stay there but the nurse could see that I was struggling and after a couple more minutes, she pulled me up to a sitting position, as clearly, I needed air. The disappointment that I felt was huge. I was so sure that it meant that the whole thing was going to turn out a total waste of time.

When the nurse left me, I was sat on the toilet, doing what I could to hold onto the liquid, but listening to it dripping into the pan. The one good thing about sitting there is that I can put my arms up onto the grab rails on either side of me, with them being slightly higher than my shoulders, it has the effect of forcing my ribcage into a more open state, one that it can’t really fight. The enema had failed, nothing other than the liquid left me. All that pain, all that extra stress had been for nothing.

When the carer arrived at 4pm to help me have my shower, I had been to the loo twice more, but still, it was just fluid, nothing more. I did warn her that I had been losing fluid uncontrollably, and I apologised if it should happen while I was in the shower. As I stood, so she could wash my back, I felt something sliding in my back passage. There was no way that I was going to embarrass myself, so I locked my buttocks as tightly as I could and said a silent prayer. As soon as I was out of the shower because I was so worried by it, I placed my pad between my legs, before we left the bathroom. My muscles aren’t the best most of the time, but as I was pulling on my trousers, I felt what I had held onto so tightly, slipping again, this time I was sure that I had lost something, but it wasn’t much.

At first, I thought that I might just be a better actress than I thought, as the carer didn’t appear to pick up on my plight as she continued to dry my feet and apply some cream. Then the smell reached me and I knew that it had reached her too. She gently said, “Pam, do you want to head back to the bathroom?” She was wonderful, she didn’t bat an eye and just took me back into the bathroom and let me go to the loo by myself, before helping me by holding open one of the disposal bags for my pad and the wet wipes. She was so nice about the whole thing and just carried on chatting as though nothing had happened right through to our good byes. The way she handled it, left me feeling still somewhat embarrassed, but not mortified by it all. When she left, I found myself once more in need of heading to the loo, this time, my muscles held until I reached it. I don’t need to describe it in any other words than to say it was rather explosive. Five hours after the enema, and suddenly, it worked. Even though I had had an accident, I am so glad that the majority waited, as I don’t think I would have lived down that embarrassment. My body may have been working against me, as it always does, but for once, it saved me from the worst possibility.

By the time Adam came home, I was perfectly at ease, as though nothing had happened all day, other than me sitting here as always. For once, it wasn’t an act, I was at ease. This is how I was about four months ago before the flare that set me on the headlong course into carers, nurses and so on. It isn’t just that I have people around me who care, it’s more than that, I have at last accepted them as part of my life, no longer an intrusion that I have to bear, but people who are glad to help me and who’s help I’m glad to have. They have now proved to me that I am still in control of my life and they are here to do whatever they can to make my life easier, not harder, which is how it first felt. So OK it has taken me over two months to accept them, but just like when I accepted my health, now that I have, I expect that life is going to be easier from here on in as well.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 12/08/2014 – An impossible life

I found another bruise last night, I had been in pain on my left side for a few hours and when I went to the loo before getting my meds I checked it and yes there was a new bruise. I am still holding to the 8pm slot for my meds and as the BBC normally show a news bulletin at 8 I am trying to lock my trip to the kitchen at that point. I have noticed over the last few days that taking my meds…..