Living a-part

I can’t believe the difference that buying my mini fridge has made. One small black cube has really changed my day. It isn’t that I don’t have to keep going to the kitchen just to get a drink, it is the phycological change that I didn’t expect. I didn’t realise just how wound up I was getting as my bottle of ginger beer slowly emptied. There was this tension that grew, just because I knew that I was going to have to find the energy to make that trip. Each sip brought me that fraction closer and I found myself watching as the level fell and fell. Now, nothing, it’s not a problem at all, as I just have to do is stand up, take one small step, and bend to open the door. Other than somehow finding space on my desk for it, which there isn’t, I couldn’t get it any closer to me. I guess there must be small things in all of our lives that irritate us, but because we can’t see a way of changing it, we accept it as it is and we just keep going and going, without realising how much harm it’s really doing.

Yesterday, I put my plan into action and as soon as I had eaten my breakfast and taken my meds, I set about stocking the fridge with food. Adam had already taken through the four bottles of ginger and the container of water, plus the potassium tablet for me, before he went to work. Lunch yesterday was simple, I had bought two trays of Sushi when I did the shopping, so all I had to do, was to fold some tin foil and place some extra pickled ginger and wasabi on it, there is never enough of either in the trays, then take all of it through, along with my lunchtime meds. I didn’t once leave the living room again until nearly 2 pm. Everything was relaxed and my whole morning passed with such smoothness, that I could hardly believe the difference. Clearly, I can’t put my lunch in it every day, as I do occasionally like hot food, but wow, I so wish I had thought of this years ago. It is yet another example of just how back to front my life has become. After years of living in limited space, from my first bedsit in Glasgow, then a shared flat, and striving to rent bigger spaces and eventually buying one, here I am once more bringing my life down to those limited spaces again. I thought that becoming housebound had limited my life to just this flat, but now, not because I want to, but because I have to. My world is slowly being limited again. In many ways, I could quite happily reduce it down to that one room living and not notice the rest of the house is even there. When choosing the name for this blog, “Living in a limited world”, I really didn’t know how true that title would become.

I wrote a post a long time ago, in fact, it was years ago, right back near the start of my blog, that said something that I didn’t realise just how true it was. In a shorter form, basically, I said that if you get your environment right, you can be happy anywhere. Although we think ourselves to be highly complex creatures, we’re not. I can bring my life down to a few elements that I need and without, I would go stir crazy. I am sure that anyone can be happy in a housebound world, as long as you get these elements right for them. Firstly, the space in which we live. It has to be beautiful, to our eyes. Not to the eye of an OT, or doctor or anyone else. If like me, you love crystal, ignore the danger aspect and fill your home with it. What we see around us, has to inspire us, if it doesn’t you will never be happy to be sat there day in day out. Where ever your eyes fall, there has to be something you love and better still, something that makes you smile and sparks your happiest memories. Secondly, a comfortable place to sleep. Your bed must be right for you. You will slowly be spending more and more time in it, so comfort is important but don’t forget the beauty, it has to be as beautiful as the rest of your home. Too many people forget your not asleep all the time. Third, entertainment. For me, that’s easy, my computer and the TV. I don’t need any more than that, but it won’t be to everyone’s taste. For me, they do and hold everything that I need and I couldn’t live without them. If you want proof, well I’ve been here 9 years and I don’t want to be anywhere else. My home, with me in it, could be anywhere in the world and I would be happy, as long as someone can deliver me foods to enjoy and of course, Adam was with me too. The same should be said for you, even if you’re not chronically ill, you never know what tomorrow could bring.

Humans aren’t complex, we’re as simple as any other animal. We need our mates, the foods we love, and our own personally designed environments. Go and study any animal and you will find that pretty much the same, can be said about all of them. It is a huge mistake to believe that we need any more. I have heard so many times that we are social creatures and I used to believe that. As time has gone one, I no longer believe that to be true. We are social because we have to be. If we weren’t we wouldn’t manage to have a job, and to earn the money we need to live. Yes, we need someone to talk to, to share our time with, but that can be one person, no more is really needed. I no longer work and I no longer go out, I have everything I need to live happily and I don’t miss all those people I thought I needed. In fact, now that I have had people thrust upon me, I find them really hard to handle. They are invading my space, yes because I invited them to assist me, but they are still intruders, who upset my routine and force me to come up with conversation. I quite honestly think I now understand why so many Zoo animals make a racket when people stop and stare at them. They are telling us to go away, to leave them alone, they don’t need us or want us invading their space, as it is theirs, not ours. I understand it because I now feel the same.

If you can find the elements of your life that matter the most to you, the items that make you tick, then you too will be able to survive the end of life scenarios we all face, sick or not. The time will come when your home will be your world. When you are too old, or too ill to be needed by all the fake things we thought needed us. If you know what makes you tick, what makes you happy, then you too can build the housebound world that will carry you through your final years. It is a fact of all our lives that eventually, we all land up here, looking out at the world and hopefully content, to not really be part of it.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 17/07/2014 – One question

I couldn’t bare to open my eyes this morning, I just didn’t know how to as even the light in the bedroom was hurting them. I for one and I am sure there are many out there the same, I often find that my eyes become painful when I am desperate for sleep and light becomes growingly unbearable, well that was how my eyes were when I switched off the alarm, my desire to just go back to sleep seems to be……

13 thoughts on “Living a-part

  1. It has been painful to watch what you’ve been going through these past weeks and not knowing what to say. I know it it takes time for our minds to figure out how to survive and be comfortable with the new normal. I’m so happy and thankful you made it through. Giving advice is useless when you have to get in a peaceful place inside first. I am always thinking about you and Adam and sending good thoughts to you both. You’re stronger than you think you can or will be. πŸ˜‡ ( hugs )

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  2. Hello again,I’m glad your fridge has sorted things for you for now.I also eventually came to the conclusion that I who had been very social and busy on the go all the time didn’t need to be embroiled with other peoples lives any more.I realised that now it is my turn to be nvolved with me.Like peaceful days with books and music and an occasional visit .I make a major effort to still visit the Drs,dentist and hairdresser,it wipes me out the next day but it’s an enormous acheivement.So hang on to your new found calm and just do what’s best for you,it’s what I do and for now it works well.Sending love and gentle hugs.Nancyx.

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    • It’s amazing how our lives can flip-flop to such extremes, and all that we once found important, holds no importance at all. Yet, still we are happy and for me, in many ways happier than I was back then. Who would have thought it? Life never ceases to amaze me. πŸ™‚

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  3. I’ve been away for a while, I’ve missed you. My father died and I haven’t gotten back to my normal routine yet. I think I’m finally getting there. Having to go out and deal with all of those people was very hard on me.
    I needed to read this today. People keep telling me how isolation is so damaging. How I need to get out and make new friends. they can’t see how difficult this would be for me. How I can’t hear people, how when I’m around people I get much sicker, how I am not that comfortable around people for any length of time. for a little while I’m okay, but for any length of time I go crazy.
    They are intruding on my space.
    We decided to have a friend move in to help with things. This was to be beneficial to both him and us. But for me it has been torture. I cannot stand someone else in my space all the time. He has to leave. I had to tell him this yesterday, It was very difficult but I have to take care of myself.
    I’m making myself more isolated, and I’m happy about it.
    I simply don’t feel I need more people in my life.
    That may change, but for now, I life my solitude. I need it.

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    • I so understand all that you said. Our illness changes everything, which is so hard for other to understand. Being alone, allows us to be us, to not feel as though we have to put on a show for others, which is quite simply exhausting. It doesn’t take a genius to work out that that makes our health worse.

      Other people, even those who are the closest to us, all ask questions all the time. How are you? Are you OK? Do you need anything? Can I do anything to make it better? and they just keep going, not once, but all the time. We may love them and they may mean it all with the greatest care and love, but it’s exhausting. Ask anyone who has the flue, what they want the most, other than to be better, they all answer “just to be left alone”. Why do they then think that we are any different? Unlike the flue, we don’t get better, but it doesn’t mean that we feel any different. Yes, our lives don’t match what they think we should be doing, but we’re not up to doing anything else.

      I’m sorry to hear about your father, it’s a tough one to get over. Take it slowly, you will get there in time. Now, more than any other time, you have to do things at your pace. (((Hugs)))

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  4. Very true. I find that my most basic needs are very simple and as long as those base things are adhered to I’m happy. So glad you got the mini fridge! I need one of those, as I need ice by my bed at all times as it’s frequently melting and requiring me to go to the kitchen to fill my glass. Here it is 4 in the morning and I have awoken, thirsty and dehydrated.

    I also agree 100% about how being alone is relaxing and renewing. I can relate to what you’re saying about the relief in not having to jump through hoops to be acceptable to others. It helps me to focus on what I need to do to best take care of myself most efficiently without being waylaid by outside agendas.

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    • I sometimes think that it is a real shame that we can’t make those who are jumping through hoop see this. If people just made time to be alone and learnt it true value, how much happier they would be. No one wants to ill, but it does have it’s virtues.

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  5. Oh yes ! Being alone with youself and being happy there is a very rare occurance!but I got to say,,,,,I love breing alone. Except for Joey(sonetime) and all because I am sick. alone days just like a get away just do meI

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  6. My grama was always remarking about how odd she found it that, as they got older, they lived in less and less of the house. They had a modest house, about 1800 square feet, but they really only used the master suite, kitchen, and family room. The formal living room and dining room only got used for holidays and the other two bedrooms were pretty much the same!
    I’ve also noticed that with my husband’s grandmother too, she lives in a very small portion of her very large house as well.
    Interesting to know it just seems to be a thing we do as humans.

    I’m glad the mini fridge has been making things easier for you!

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    • I guess we realise that the spaces we are comfortable in, are more important than those we once thought we should have. In modern reality, who needs a formal living and dinning room once the kids are grown and gone. In fact, even before they go, they are only really used these days as spaces to escape to, when everything gets too noise or too much.

      For me, and I expect your grama, it’s all about comfort. We are most comfortable in those smaller spaces. I suspect that for most the older we get the harder it is to give up the rest, because of memories. Hence why so many older people rattle around in homes they don’t really need. Logically, they should move to smaller homes, emotionally, they can’t.

      My home is small, but as I said, one room would really do me, Adam wouldn’t agree, he is still at the age were he thinks bigger is better. One day that will change. πŸ™‚

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      • Grama always made us move into the formal rooms when the whole family got together specifically to keep from “wasting” them πŸ˜‰ it always made me chuckle! I suspect my grandfather will be moving soon that she is gone; he’s more practical that way.
        I want a large house, but one that will stay comfortable as long as possible! I definitely, even now, tend to live in my little spaces. I suspect once I have a family I’ll want to spread out a little more, but I know I’ll start to shrink back down to my little “nests” as I get older πŸ˜› they’re comfortable!

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