I’m trying so hard to move forward, to accept what has been happening in the last couple of weeks, but I still feel overwhelmed by it all. Every time that I open my mouth and hear myself talk, I just want to cry or scream, depending on the moment. I quite honestly don’t think that I have said more than five or six words recently, without a stutter or forget what I’m saying. It feels like someone stole my brain, but I’m not even sure that I want it back, well, without it, I probably wouldn’t feel so bad about the rest of it. I always knew that the day would come when I would lose control of my life and my body, but I didn’t expect it to all happen in such a short period of time.
If wetting the bed, forgetting and sounding like a fool all the time wasn’t enough, I have developed so many twitches and tremors that not even lying down, brings me peace anymore. Until now, although I knew my legs could melt from under me, I now have the added joy that they simply give up and fold. Something has happened around the muscles in my leg joints, at times it feels as though they simply won’t lock, and instead, shudder and hesitate, unsure whether to hold me or collapse. Before I never really felt scared of standing up, I have everything arranged in the house so that even if they melted, I was safe. Now, bang and they’re gone. The worst of it, though, is my arms are doing the same, I can’t even trust them to catch me. It really feels like every muscle in my body is plotting against me, and there is no way of getting them back. If you thought that the UK was having political problems, it is nothing compared to the fight going on inside me.
For five days now, I have been drinking Furosemide in an attempt to get rid of the fluid that has been collecting throughout me. Five days on, well my hands are perfect, my legs not too bad, but my feet, well they are still swollen, not as bad as they were, but they still aren’t my feet. Standing, when I can, is still painful and please don’t touch the tops of either of them, as that’s real pain. The really good thing on the fluid side is, I’ve had three clear night of not wetting the bed, but I don’t want to say that too loudly. I never thought in my life that my first action on waking would be to slide my hand under my bum, to check the moisture level before I move, but that’s yet another addition to my life.
Normally, I am really good at getting my head around things, to find a way to making it all fit and slot as just another part of my life. Right now, there is so much and so many different bits and pieces that I don’t really know where to start and even where it will end. The sheer volume of change is totally defeating me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not slipping into depression, it’s more that I’m slipping into an exhausted confusion. I just so wish that I could have a single day, or even half a day without something dramatic, exhausting or upsetting happening. I long to wake up in a dry bed, for the internet to work smoothly, without annoying phone calls, or no people ringing the intercom, who just want me to let them in, but it’s not for me. For my fingers to understand how to type, for the tremors not to take over and sheer rubbish coming out on the screen. I want to not feel sick, to actually want to eat the food I fetch, without discovering that I’m no longer hungry. If I am, I would just love to be able to eat it without my throat hitting spasm mode and making it all too difficult. All I want is for my day to start and end as days use to. Then, I might just have a chance to turn my mind to accepting any of what I need to work through. I don’t have the time to even think about it, far less work on accepting it all. Is normality, really such a huge thing to ask for?
When just over three weeks ago, I phoned the Doctor to say that I was in a flare, I thought a few steroids and life would settle back into life. I didn’t have the slightest idea then, just how wrong I was. I have never had a flare like this, as in the past, it has been one thing, a lost arm, not being able to breathe and talk, always isolated to a set or group of recognisable nerves. I didn’t even expect a flare could take over my entire body and screw it all up. I’m feel lost. All too often, I find myself just sitting here, trying to work out what next or even how I got here. I have no answers, no idea how to fix all of this, or if this is it for the rest of my life, nothing but new things going wrong, one after another. I have to get some kind of control, some sort of acceptance and understanding, but I don’t know where to start. If you have a clue, well let me know, as I’m totally lost as to what I do next.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – Seeing it clearly
I think I have broken through the worst of this phase of uncontrolled muscle tightening, I sat last night on the settee without constantly having to put my arms into stupid positions in a hope of stretching the muscle to the point they would give in. It was totally motionless, I still did it occasionally but that was the big thing it was occasional not constant. So far the morning hasn’t been too bad other……