It’s still there

It seems that with every day that passes, things are changing in my life. It’s not just the physical changes, the things that are clear to anyone reading my blog, but it’s also the psychological and emotional effects of all that is happening. I am having to adjust at breakneck speed, as each thing that happens, just hasn’t allowed me to assess and work my way through it, before the next issue, screams it’s way into my life. It has got to the point where I don’t even feel that I am even reacting to anything for at least 24 hours. I appear to just accept on the surface but then, bang out of nowhere, the next day I crumple inside and truth of it hits me. If there wasn’t enough going on, I have invited another to join all the mess that is now me.

It struck me over the weekend, just how ridiculous this thing I have about Adam seeing me naked, really is. Yes, I can and have, given many reasons over the years I have been writing, but none of them make it right. From the fact that I can’t stand the sight of my own body, right through to the biggest fact, he hasn’t seen me naked for at least the past 12 years, possibly longer. Like many marriages faced with all the issues that conditions like MS causes, sex became something that simply stopped and has never started again. At the start, it was  because of our joint fear of the pain that it caused and was compounded when my libido totally vanished. Naked wasn’t required, something that as my weight rose once I because housebound, I was grateful for. When it became clear that I wasn’t coping with things like having a shower, I chose to have a carer, rather than Adam seeing my decrepit body. After only three showers, the fact that I don’t have a problem being naked with a complete stranger, it started to wonder around in my head, just how wrong the whole situation was.

I have put myself through total hell recently about the whole thing and just when I was coming to terms with it, those tumbling thoughts, started to ask, “Then why not Adam?”. I was totally shocked the other evening when a similar collection of words, tumbled out of my mouth. I knew Adam had accepted the situation, but I also knew that it hurt him, and hurting him, isn’t something I like doing. I had started the conversation, and I also knew that I really meant what I said. I want to get past this, to be able to feel comfortable naked in front of him. There are so many reasons for wanting things to change, but what had brought it home to me, was the other night when I wet the bed. It had shown me that there are a lot of situations ahead of us, where I might be forced into that situation, and I honestly fear reacting badly, or not being able to cope with it. I don’t need anyone to tell me that it’s stupid, I fully understand that, but when it comes down to emotional reactions, you don’t need me to explain how unpredictable they are. Add in the damage that has been done to my brain already, and as time passes will be done again, well, we really have to somehow get past it now, while I can still be rational about it all.

How we go about it is the biggest question that neither of us fully answered. Adam suggested that I continue with things as is, but the next time that dye my hair, that then, he should wash the dye out for me in the shower. I dyed my hair last week, so we are looking at maybe 6 or 8 weeks time. I think his idea is that gives me time to think and time to get used to the idea. I agreed, but I fear that it is still a case of nothing to everything in one quick act, and it could make things even worse, and hurting Adam even more. I have so much running around in my head just now, and I just feel as though what I have done, is to give myself yet another one.

I spent the afternoon yesterday, sorting out some of it anyway. I have found with ease some pads for the bed, that apparently, will hold up to 3 liters of liquid without leakage, plus they are washable. So I have bought two to start with, I hope that I won’t need more than that, but they are on the way. I also bought some underpants or knickers depending on where you live. I haven’t worn any for most of my adult life and when I did, it was just a g-string. Until a few weeks ago, the leakage that I had, was very limited and of the nature of few drips, rather than enough to wet my clothes. I have been using pads whenever I have been going through bad phases of it, without proper knickers which yes, is possible but often uncomfortable. In the last two weeks, I haven’t been without them, but I couldn’t go on like this forever, so I decided it was time to join the rest of the world and wear them. It is all beginning to add up financially and all because I’m not well. I’m hopeful that what I have bought, will see me through until I see the continence team.

When I spoke to my doctor the other day, I discussed what had been said to me when I was at the hospital. He hasn’t received the letter as yet, but he put my Morphine slow release tablets up from 70mg to 90mg twice per day. I am only on my second day of them, but they are really making a difference, the discomfort that I have lived with for the past three years, has been reduced to a more background level, rather than driving me nuts continually. It has also reduced the pain levels throughout. The feared fog or grogginess just isn’t there. If anything, I would say that I am that bit brighter, which if you think about it, makes perfect sense. So at least today, I can end my post on a positive note, something I fear has been missing in the last couple of weeks, as I have often said, the good is there when you look for it.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 23/06/2014 – Not an answer, but it helps

My body feels like a wound up spring that want to explode but can’t. It took me nearly 3 hours to sort out the overnight tweets, nothing odd there but I was finding it harder and harder as every minute passed to use three keys on my keyboard, Ctrl C to copy the name, Ctrl V to post them onto my spreadsheet. Each time I did it I felt as though all I wanted to do was scream loudly, not out…..

21 thoughts on “It’s still there

  1. I’m glad you’re willing to take a risk and be naked with Adam. I can tell you that my significant other says he’s not looking for a teenager’s body on me, but that he misses the intimacy of being willing to risk being naked for his sake.

    The people who love us will do a lot to accommodate us remaining in their lives despite the changes that the disease makes to our personalities and boundaries. People need touch (not necessarily sex, but touch) to remain emotionally healthy, so I’m hoping that this risk works out for the two of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s a tough one, but I know that we have to try and put this mess right, regardless of the difficulties that it might cause getting there. I know all that you said is correct, I have said it to myself a million times, yet still I have always pulled away from every chance that has appeared along the way. I guess though, that’s why I said it to him, because once something is said, it’s harder to run away from. 🙂


  2. Pamela, I wish you and Adam all the best. Things – all kinds of things, including intimacy – change significantly with poor health… I’m glad the extra morphine helps.
    Hugs my friend xo


  3. I’m so glad to hear that you have some relief from the pain. Also, just having the strength to post about your life and keep open communication with your husband is wonderful! I pray you continue to find things that help, have Grace to continuing weathering this storm of changes and find balance in intimacy with Adam. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When it comes to naked, I often find my careers who see a variety of people & disabilities are much more compassionate and less judgemental than family. My mum is the only non-Carer to see me naked. She seems to lose her filter and is really not complimentary.


  5. Hi, this post is so true how many celebs shouting and moving and grooving are just putting on a show, ie loose women and doubt they have health issues.
    As for carers they are the best at helping washing dressing I found too etc as I think their training is done well also. My carer who I know well got hold of my leg to shave it she couldn’t believe it I hardly have any and it’s blond so I don’t! she said “you lucky thing ” I thought yes but I did nt expect that much thought in my care..There again don t laugh I think everything in my below has fallen out too. Hope you can laugh a bit with pain level dropped slightly (((Hugs)))as always.
    I hate knickers too I think it an MS thing, maybe. Love your posts they cover everything.
    PS… Off the point a bit…….
    My Grandma when I told her I has MS she said “Oh cross your bridge when you come to it” I understand and say now to myself a lot what she really meant now, but not at the time, but I was Ok ish then.
    Later she explained about sex life to me……she had nt had much! Well I never! She was wise and funny but true. Decrepit was a word she used a lot I don’t hear or read it now, may be that s what has prompted my memory.Take care

    Liked by 1 person

    • I haven’t asked them to shave my legs yet, but I seem to have lost most of mine. I don’t know why, but it is sort of falling out all on it’s own. I only shave when it needs it, about once a month. I honestly until you mentioned, hadn’t thought about the “why” it’s gone, it just has. I feel a google search coming on 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. You seem to worry a lot about what others think of you; Followers, Readers, Carer, Adam. Just continue to be who you are, and do the best for you.
    If you get comfortable again with your husband; perhaps you could save money in the long run.


    • I wouldn’t be me without caring what people think, or as I prefer to see it as how they feel. We are all responsible for every connection we make and how they feel about that connection. The one thing that you will find in every single one of my posts is 100% me. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Hello Pam,I am so pleased to see that you are feeling a bit better now.The increase in your meds has obviously worked well.Something as simple as that has far reaching effects in your day,and ,hopefully give you a chance to find other answers too.Sending love and thoughts.Nancy.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. First, let me thank you for your sharing. Saying how sorry I am or that I am praying for you seems so trite. I don’t think you want any more sympathy; you’re probably overwhelmed by that most of the time. I think you accept your situation in a very mortal and mature way. It is what it is. With respect to showing your body, my spouse (now almost 50 years) is extremely modest. You would think that after all these years, she would be more comfortable around me. When we were married she was a slim, petite young woman. After 4 kids and these years, she isn’t. But, the interesting things to me is that she is more attractive to me than ever before. We have not had sex now for 9 years since my prostate cancer and operation. I find her so desirable because every extra pound she has gained was all for me. Everything she did benefited me. Don’t be afraid. I’m sure your husband feels the same. I don’t think he will tell you that, just like I won’t tell her. Is it a man thing? I don’t know. I just try to romance her the way she wants to be romanced.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for this, my husband continually tells me that it doesn’t matter to him, it’s me he loves, not my body. I know the issue lies totally with me, but I am working on it now, which I wasn’t before. Mentally it is a huge leap, but the work has started. I’m sure that I will get there. It took me a long time to get here, I just hope I can turn it around far faster.

      Take care (((Hugs )))

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Putting into words all that you experience is, hopefully, therapeutic for you. I know it is for me, the reader. You touched on the loss of intimacy in your relationship, i.e. sex. I think as I have gone through first diagnosis, then severe illness, and now stabilizing, I am only starting to face this reality – where does one go from here, is what I keep asking myself? In our marriage, first I was caregiver for him, then he got better and I got sick, and he became my caregiver, and then he had a heart attack – how do we get back to being a couple? Not wanting to undress in front of your partner is understandable and something I now share. We do not come to illness prepared – only to find ourselves students once again.


    • Writing is very therapeutic I find unless, you are finding life so mad that it feels out of control. I find then that all I do is go around in circles, trying to work things out.

      Being a couple, doesn’t have to involve sex. I know we are programmed to see it that way, but being close and showing caring for each other, can be just as important. Adam and I haven’t had sex for I guess, 13 years. We are just as in love and just as much a couple as we were before, it’s just we show it in different ways. What matters is the love and the affection that we feel, jumping into bed together, isn’t the ultimate display of love, staying together and being totally content in each others company for years, without even thinking about a relationship with another, shows it far far more. And your doing that already. (((Hugs)))


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