It seemed like a new level of lunacy, but when all else has failed, why not? My skin was still trying to tell me, that I had spent the last five years sat in a freezer, despite the fact, that we are quite clearly in the midst of heat wave. If I needed proof, Adam was walking around the flat as close to naked as is acceptable when you have the curtains open, and even I was having to wipe, the odd bead of sweat, off my neck. My entire night’s sleep and been disturbed and thanks to the fatigue and exhaustion, I was finding myself on the verge of tears all the time, something had to change, and quickly. I didn’t jump in with both feet, the madness I ensued, was well thought out.
I’m sure that most of us with Fibro or MS, have been in similar situations, when you are so exasperated, with the whole thing, that you just want to curl up on the floor, rocking and crying like a baby. Unfortunately, we all know that doesn’t help us in any way what so ever, but I had to do something and I knew that wasn’t it. I decided to take everything in the past week and strip it back to basics. Then do something I have never done before, I threw logic and experience out of the window. I did so because when I broke it down, I quite quickly saw that all of it could be caused by lack of sleep and anxiety, which as we know, are often interchangeable. I had started out wound up like a drum about handing over my independence and because I can’t be totally sure if that came first, or the signs of the flare did, I held them as one. Just as I was losing control of my life, I was also losing control of my body. My hands had started to go numb, not working properly and quickly started producing bizarre sensations. Those sensations had slowly spread and eventually, also stopped me from sleeping. On the nights I did sleep, I slept so deeply, that nothing would have woken me, but when I didn’t, I felt sick and dizzy, and just for fun as the days ticked by, my eyesight went from bad to terrible.
When you strip back all symptoms of MS and Fibro, sleep is often the key to getting better. Napping in gaps doesn’t do a single thing, other than allow you to escape here and there, if you want to recover, you have to sleep. I couldn’t sleep because of the sensations. When your nerves are telling you they are so cold that they are burning, sleep just doesn’t work. So what to do about it? I did the only thing I have never tried or even thought of before, I did what they were asking me to. So there I was on a really hot summers morning, wrapping myself in my velvet dressing gown and climbing inside the sleeping bag, I keep under my desk for the winter. I was sure that within minutes, I would be ditching it all and telling myself that I really am a total lunatic, but it had to be worth a try.
As the time ticked by, I didn’t melt into a puddle, but my hands started to work and the sensations started to die back. I don’t even feel right, writing this, because it sounds as nuts as it was doing it, but it worked. I stayed wrapped up until about 3 pm that afternoon, only emerging to go to the loo, or to fetch something to eat or drink. As my body responded and started to defrost, I gradually found myself falling asleep right here at my keyboard. I was so tired at that point that I decided to go to bed for an hour and I slept soundly again. As much as possible, I remained cocooned in dressing gowns, duvets, and sleeping bags, for the rest of the day. That night, I once again slept soundly and when I woke, all the feeling of having frozen hands, face and chest, had gone. I know that it’s a small thing in the bigger scheme, but trust me, it is wonderful. No, I don’t think the flare is gone as everything else is still there, but it has without a doubt, given me the boost that I needed.
Not once in the entire time I have been ill, have I thought of doing what my nutty nerves wanted? Feeling frozen happens frequently, yet logic says, that when the ambient temperature is in the high sixties, you can’t be, especially in just isolated area’s of your body, well it now appears that you can, or at least I can. On the good side, at least no one is going to see me in gloves and balaclavas in mid-summer, inside.
I have now had two days rest, real rest. That means I haven’t worried about any of the things my body is doing, I had stepped into the world of lunacy and I was going to make the most of it. I haven’t written, as you know, I haven’t fretted, I have just gone with the flow of each day and made the most of my nights of sleep. Slowly, I am beginning to feel like myself again, my hands now defrosted have made their way back into being parts of my body. Still not steady, still not always doing what they are told, but they work and hey, that’s so much more than they were. My head’s still fuzzy, my eyesight atrocious, but I am sleeping, resting and returning. What more can I ask for? I will be back in the world soon, I just need a bit more rest, another layer of clothes and some more sleep.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 14/06/2014 – Switch off
My hands are really painful today, in fact, it started last night. The odd sensations started to get stronger until it changed from background to totally annoying and impossible to ignore, then suddenly the pain kicked in as well. From just above my wrists, to the tip of every finger there is pain strangely the worst of it is in the palm of each hand. It is the sort of place you just don’t expect pain, in fact……