I found myself in so much pain the other night, that I quite honestly didn’t know how to stand up. I know that is one of those statements that sound almost flippant, “I couldn’t stand up”, but honestly, I couldn’t. There it was, a pain that when I tried to stand stopped me from pulling myself upright. I wasn’t even what I would call stooped, as the best I could do was to obtain a semi-sitting position, just without the chair behind me to account for the somewhat odd position. Luckily, I only had to take the few steps needed to sit in my wheelchair. It was a pain like no other I had felt in my lower stomach. I wasn’t in any doubt as to its cause, it was coming from my intestine and it was the pain of something moving incredibly slowly inside me. I had in fact first felt it 24 hours earlier, just not in that position, then it was just pain, now it was debilitating. It was far more a case of the position, rather than the level of pain that was stopping me from standing upright. I felt as though, not only my insides but my entire abdomen that would split if I tried to push myself any more upright than I was. Whatever my guts were trying to shift, it was struggling once more, thanks to the muscles that my PRMS had rendered useless long ago.
Luckily for me, Adam had stood up quickly and left the room ahead of me. It was bedtime and I really hate Adam seeing me in that amount of pain, my wheelchair made it easy to disguise, as soon as I was sat again, there was nothing on the outside to be seen. Even on the inside, the pain subdued dramatically, clearly it was all about position, so sitting it was. From that point on, he wouldn’t see me trying to stand, so it was purely my problem. I also knew from experience, that it is the sort of pain that only lasts at most a couple of hours, but will appear again, once the stool has shifted to the next point, where my muscles can’t shift it, and so on until I can dispose of it, which luckily, is usually painless. I also knew from experience, that the stress that was already building about going to the hospital the next day, wasn’t going to be helping me much either.
Just before we actually left the house the other morning, I took a morphine booster. I had woken that morning in pain and I knew what lay ahead, not the disaster with the stairclimbers, but the normal trip is stressful enough. One of the screw ups of the transport system is that you are not allowed to bring your own wheelchair with you. All the time you are actually in the hospital, you are stuck sat on the most uncomfortable contraption I have ever sat in. A hard chair that looks padded, but isn’t, on small wheels that mean you have to be pushed by someone else, clearly not designed for sitting on for endless hours. Having a painful stomach was only going to make matters worse. I lost count how many times Adam offered to help me out of it and onto a more comfortable, in his mind, chair, but it wasn’t really the chairs fault. I was twisting and changing position constantly, he thought that it was my bum that was sore, but he was way off the mark. It would have made not a scrap of a difference where I was sat, I still wasn’t going to be comfortable.
When last night, I once again couldn’t sit still on the settee, and actually had to ask him to fetch my morphine for me, I got around to explaining what was up with me at that moment. Whenever my guts are this bad, it has a habit of triggering pain from my gallstones. On the whole, they really don’t bother me that much, but last night there was an added pain, one that I wasn’t quite able to explain to myself. When I leaned back, my gallstones caused pain in the front of me, when I leaned forwards to relieve it, I had an equal pain in my kidney on the same side. I should have done then what I didn’t until this morning, read up on what they symptoms of gallstones are. I already knew most of them, and on most sites, they told me just what I knew, then I found one that said the pain can shift into your back, and they can cause heartburn as well. Something else that I have had a lot of recently and couldn’t understand why. Even though I had taken the 10mg of Morphine that Adam brought to me at 7pm, it took right through until about half an hour after I had taken my night time meds, which included 70mg of slow release Morphine and 1200mg of Gabapentin at 8pm, to start to feel anything near comfortable. I know that most people would have been calling an ambulance if they were in that much pain, but I’m not most people. I’m used to dealing with pain, so this didn’t phase me as much as it would most, but if you still don’t understand why I didn’t call, well read my last post.
Pain doesn’t really upset me any longer, it is one of those things that the longer you live with it, the more use to it you become. In fact, I have noticed that I don’t take nearly as many of my Morphine boosters now, as I did even a couple of years ago. It isn’t because the pain is less, it is more that I can now deal with it better inside myself. Once you realise that not even that level of pain is going to kill you, well you breathe through it and wait to see what happens, if that fails, then you wait for the tablets to work. I frequently find myself putting up with it for a couple of hours, before the idea of a taking a tablet appears. When the pain is in my stomach, I am more likely to take an anti-nausea pill than I am to take anything else. As the pain has become worse, so has the nausea. Hardly a day goes by, that I don’t find myself feeling like throwing up, or with a mouthful of sick, that has suddenly appeared. It doesn’t matter how much pain I am, feeling sick is something that always gets more of my attention and far faster.
I am still waiting for my appointment with the Gastro consultants, and after the problems on my recent visit, I am quite honestly in two minds about going. Yes, that is how much it has affected me. Adam told me the other day, that the appointment is next month and that it is at 11:45. If he can rearrange it to an appointment between 9am and 10 am, then I would feel far happier about going. It is a fact that we have learned over the years, the earlier you can be there, the sooner you get home and with fewer the problems. It makes sense if you think about it. We have had to endure several long and tedious waits for a four man crew to be free, as the stairclimbers have stopped working. The earlier in the day you use them, the more likely you are to have a smooth trip. No matter how much pain I am in, or how many times I have to eat extra tablets, I don’t want to go through another horrendous day like the last one. I am quite honestly, no longer up to it.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – Understand OK
It seems the slower I get the faster my life is moving, just a couple of months ago I was really impressed and blown away when I was receiving between 80 and 100 new followers a day on twitter, I said then it had taken a sudden upturn, well it has done it again, with over 200 new people joining me daily. I am always tempted to sit and analyse the people who join me, but I fear if I do, that I will start to make changes to what I do, in an attempt to please more…..
I can surely understand not being up to another trip like the last one.
Just reading that post made me very anxious. It was heart breaking. I’m so sorry you had to endure such an ordeal.
I had to have my gallbladder removed a number of years ago.
It just didn’t work right and caused all kinds of trouble.
I know the pain from it can be excruciating.
I hope the next trip you have to take is uneventful. (as much as it can be)
(I guess using the stair climber earlier in the day means they have the batteries charged. *rolling eyes* I’m still flabbergasted that they don’t have extra. I’ve never been carried down a flight of stairs by an ambulance, just down the steps from our house, even that was horrible. thoughts with you.)
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I find myself in an odd position of envying someone who has had part of their body removed.
I wish they would just remove mine, but I already know that because of my health, they are reluctant to preform surgery. I see their point, but they don’t have to live with the stupid thing. 😦
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I had it out in 1996, I think. It was done laproscopically, in know I spelled that wrong, I hope you understand. So it wasn’t a bad surgery.
I can say I’ve not had good GI issues since. I wonder how much that little thing really does.
I can see the reluctance of doing surgery on you now. But making quality of b life better is pretty darn important.
When I read your part about envy because of a removed body part, all I could think of is….well I have 3 artifical parts, I’d share if I could….but b you want it out not more. Duh, day.
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I am so sorry that you are experiencing such pain. I hope that you can find some solace in your writing and Adam. It’s a horrible thing to feel sick and in pain and not want to take meds, etc. Thinking of you and hoping for better healing.
Thank you (((Hugs)))
I truly understand how you feel about pain Pamela..when you suffer pain you learn how to cope with it ….I agree that for most they would end up at the doctors or hospital …..Because we feel alot of pain we manage to work our way through it …I commend you for being able to freely express how you feel …sending you love hugs and healing x
I’m never too sure if working our way through it is such a good thing at times. I always have it in the back of my head, “What if this is something serious” But to date, it never has been 🙂
I did once say that to my consultant …how do I know if that pain is from the disease i have or something else ….I guess we just don’t know do we …I only know from reading your blog that we can always draw inspiration from our fellow man …I wish you comfort for today hope for tomorrow with sunshine to brighten your way …Take care x
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sending loves n hugs X
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Thank you for sharing your pain. Pain is so subjective and that sometimes we don’t realize how much it can take a toll on yourself. I wish there is something I can do to help you but I know there is very little that I can offer. And I agree another trip to the hospital sounds daunting. I wonder if they offer skype or teleconference for the appointment, unless you are going for some tests / diagnostic procedures.
Unfortunately, the Hospitals in Glasgow don’t, it would save a huge amount of problems for many people if they did. It is rare that they do tests while you are there, normally you have to go back at a later date. Maybe one day they will realise that we live in a modern world 🙂
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Yes you are right, the longer we have pain The more likely we are to try to push away the pills and just deal with it to a certain poin t. But gall bladders,,,that is a whole other pain, and vomiting, Ugggg, so awful. I was told that it also can cause pain in the area of your shoulder also.. It didn’t for me, but others have said it did. I actually thought I was dying when mine stopped working, not stones, it just died.. And now with it gone I have a condition called Sphincter of Odie Dissorder. It really hurts and no treatment that is safe. Just adds to everything else.
Have you heard that in the U.S. they are taking away most of our pain meds???? They are killing us. There have been more suicides from people who had pain and can’t deal with it. I’m on a mild pain med now and it is hell. If they take that away, I will not be able to live. I think its criminal what is happening here. Guess you can tell I’m upset…Hope you are sleeping peacefully 😴😴😴😴
I did hear and I agree it criminal. I bet it was some bright spark doctor wrote a paper on it and it all blew up from there. I bet they didn’t ask the people it was going to affect.
I have for a long time now had the idea that what ever they do to fix something results in something else going wrong. So it doesn’t surprise me that removing your gall bladder caused something else. But yes, it is extremely painful. I have had pain in my shoulder but not that bad, I just thought it was down to how I had been sitting, but who knows. 🙂