It’s hard to get right

It has been odd not spending my afternoon’s writing, so odd that I constantly checked the time, just to believe that I really was still on track with my day. My routine is so deeply etched into my soul now, that not doing what I have done every day for four years, felt like I was back in childhood, doing something wrong and waiting to be caught. I honestly had to stop myself from starting my next post or writing the piece that I have promised to another website. Yes, I am still adding in things to put just that bit more pressure on myself. I did though have the sense to tell them I wasn’t going to work to a deadline and if they wanted a piece, well it had to be at my pace, no theirs.

There was another change that I had yesterday, I ate a lunch cooked and prepared by Adam. Normally at lunchtime, I either have something bought in and cold, or I have cereal, but at the start of the week, out of nowhere, I suddenly had a craving for pasta, mayonnaise, sweetcorn and tuna, all things I knew were in the house. I had to fight off the temptation to just make it, but I remember all too clearly, that I have had far too many pans blackened with pasta stuck firmly on the bottom, so I resisted. I waited for Adam to come home and to cook it for me, and because he offered, to do the rest as well, I let him. In general, I’m not a fan of Adams cooking. It has far more to do with the things he chooses or offers to cook for me, than the cooking itself. I am really not a fan of fish finger drenched in vinegar and salad cream or anything else off the somewhat kindergarten concoctions he enjoys. If he were to buy or prepare for me a portion of sushi, or baked camembert with black pudding, well, I will enjoy every scrap. I was sure, though, that there was little harm he could do to my request, as long as he didn’t let the pasta go soggy, which is the way he likes it. Not only did he do a good job, that I really enjoyed, but he kept telling me all evening how nice it was to be allowed to cook for me. It is one of the few things that I rarely let him do, due to my list of really good reasons.

I had just finished eating my lunch when the phone rang, it was Adam, calling as he always does if it’s raining and he isn’t coming home. For once, he wasn’t so worried about me, as he was as to if I enjoyed my food. I think I have let a monster out of the bag, as he was also offering to buy more sweetcorn so he can make some more. I am just waiting to see when and if, he can come up with something palatable so he can keep cooking. I hadn’t realised that such as small thing, as asking him to boil some pasta for me, could inspire and be something that has a clear meaning and such an importance to him. He offers all the time and I honestly only turn him down for one of two reasons, it’s too late in the day, or I quite honestly can’t stomach whatever it is, he is planning to make. When you don’t have a great appetite, whatever you do eat, has to appeal. My fall back, for when there is nothing that I fancy is always cereal, I seem to be able to always eat that. Otherwise, it has to tick all the boxes on flavour, textures, and also appearance, or all I will do is pick at it and land up, not really eat at all. For Adam, if a meal doesn’t have a huge portion of animal based protein, there’s no point eating it. It along with everything else on the plate has to be cooked, to within an inch of its life, as it means he doesn’t need to chew it. Our approach to food is at different ends of the scale, but I so wish they weren’t, as I can clearly see the pleasure he gains, from this one small act.

Resting is something that I am having to teach myself how to do. Trust me, it is a hard thing for someone who has spent their entire life, running as fast as their bodies will allow them. Even though I am so tired that doing anything is testing, I have found it so difficult, to do almost nothing. I knew true “nothing” was a long way off possible, that just isn’t me, but stopping myself from doing anything beyond the minimum online, has been hard. That’s why I started with two days without writing. Even though it was challenging, I honestly needed it more than I actually knew. I have slept each afternoon and when awake, I just sat playing gentle games like Sadako, to occupy my mind, yet still at the end of both days, I was as tired as I started.

My exhaustion has been so clear to see, that even Adam went into one of his worry wart states. I don’t know what you’re like, but when I am this tired, I am also not exactly talkative, nor is my ability to follow conversations at it’s best. Adams answer is to chatter away to me, about everything and anything, in all honesty at times, I haven’t had a clue about what. Because I haven’t answered with vibrant responses, he got it in his head yet again, that there was a problem between us. I guess this happens at least once a month, but with me the way that I am just now, it appeared quicker than usual. Just as I was going to bed the other night, he stopped chattering, went serious and asked: “Have I done something to upset you?”. I have heard those words so many times, and my answer has and probably always will be the same, “No”. My brain is so far away just now, that my being quiet, isn’t something I even notice. I hate the idea that my health makes him think that way. He is the last person on this planet that I ever want to hurt, but finding the ways to put his mind at rest constantly, when my body and mind are locked up as they are, is tough. I don’t think there is anything much crueler that I can think of, than the fact, that my chronic illness, keeps hurting him.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 21/05/2014 – The child within us

I was on one of my picture searches earlier today and for some reason I can’t remember now I put in a search for the house I grew up on, Friendville. The same search a couple of years ago brought up absolutely nothing, today, well it is flooded with information and photo’s. It just shows you what the power of a business has over the web. It still hurts slightly, to know that it is a glorified hotel, rather than a family home these days, as well families truly care about every stone of the place they live, businesses see then as assets and nothing more. I went through their website…..

20 thoughts on “It’s hard to get right

  1. Made me fancy pasta, tuna and corn……that’s tomorrow’s tea sorted:))))) My hubby cooks for me and that’s a really yummy one to do and easy and yes praise always goes along way. I look at my MS as needing extra rest sometimes just like i used to do even though I m resting all the time now? Anyway I need something different to do so I listen to the radio….classical at night I ve found it soothing. The local radio on my first listen I knew of 2 people being interviewed surprisingly, I can write this on here as I sure you’ll get it. At moment I m listening to relaxing classics through the Internet, I LIKE it…it s an achievement for me.
    It s sad that the effort of just listening and responding to our spouse sometimes is too much but not meaning anything I expect it s cos you can ( have too) because of the love between you but it shows how we can be misunderstood that s the sad part.
    Also four years of daily blogging is an almighty achievement I m so impressed, I did not know how long.
    Wishing you and Adam all nice things to come your way however small they are precious. You both sound like you are the nicest people ever.

    Lots of ((( hugs ))) Pamela style X X take care and rest up!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Our illness is so hard on our partners. I’m totally sure that they often take our lack of response as some kind of slight and it so hard to explain that it’s not. This has been one of the joys of writing every day. Adam has read every day and he often has said, that my blog has put him right and an insight as to why I have done something and what it really meant. I just hope we don’t lose that link, by my cutting down what I say here. Time will tell πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I’m really struggling with learning how to rest too. It’s not easy to allow yourself time to just do nothing when you’ve always had a busy life and still feel like you must be doing things. I’ve been told by my medical team that I have to make time to rest every day but it’s so difficult. My neuro-physio said I have to think of it in the same way as my exercises – it’s a way of keeping me strong. It’s easier for me to accept it when I think of it that way but I still find it tough to just do nothing at all for a period of time. I hope you find a way of making it okay for you. Thinking of you x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Your spot on, it’s because we are the doers of this world. No one taught us, at home or school or anywhere else, how to do nothing. To many that sounds mad, as they find it so easy, but it is a form of work to us. Maybe that might help as well, seeing it as work that needs to be done. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

    • Yes resting is hard ! Reminds me of napping as a child. YUK !! But many times there is no choice. And btw, the safest way I have ever found to make pasta is to bring it to a boil, then cover it, turn off the stove and let it sit for 10 to 12 minutes, depending on the size of the pasta.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I agree that it is cruel that our illnesses hurt the people we love the most.
    Like my husband.
    I finally told Stuart that if I was upset with him I promised I’d tell him He wouldn’t have to guess.
    That’s hard for old passive aggressive me….something that isn’t a good thing anyway, but got much worse when I was sick because I didn’t want to ask for help, I would just kinda hint.

    Stuart has taken over the cooking here. He has gotten much better at it and he is eating better now. I think. I have so many food issues and well, I like food to taste good. If I don’t get satisfied, I will keep eating…and eating. embarrassing.

    Stuart does love it when he makes something I’m thrilled with and he has left overs. ha.
    What we did was to have me pick out some recipes from a couple of books and then have him look over them and see if there were things we’d both like that he felt he could tackle in the kitchen. Now we have a certain list he is always comfortable with. Even if he doesn’t like to cook.

    and now what has been on my mind since you mentioned it…. I must have a bowl of cereal.

    (always remember, this is damn hard, and you are doing the best you can.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • I also did the hint thing for a while. Adam didn’t get it either and I too would quietly get angry that he could just see what I wasn’t saying. Stupid, I know, but we all do these things.

      Adam I have never agreed on food, and after 17 years together, I doubt we ever will. We muddle along and I have discovered that you can teach old dogs new tricks, he may not eat what I do, but is now at least happy to buy it in for me. Even the looks of “are you really going to eat this” are getting less and less. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

      • Exactly !! And I love Honey Nut Cheerios and put a few walnuts and sometimes chop up a Granny Smith apple and put in it. MY BOWL RUNNETH OVER !! Haha Btw , I watched your videos and have read almost all your blogs. I know it sound’s strange, but I feel like I have know you all ways. Take care of yourself and rest as much as you need. We will be right here if you need us. When you don’t here from me it’s because I am having a really bad time or felling better and over doing it,,trying to catch up with all the dirt….lol How many videos do you have? But not the instructional ones,my brain is too mushy to get I to Tec stuff.
        Good NightπŸ˜ƒπŸ˜΄

        Like

      • Wow you have gone back a long way!! The tech stuff was for something else. It just happens that it is sitting in the same place. There are only two videos about my life. I never got around to continuing it and I lost the program that I built it on when I had to replace the hard drive. So just the two.

        If you have read so much and watched the video’s I’m not surprised that you feel you have known me for years. There is more in here than most friends ever talk about with each other πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well I just lost what I had written to you. Damn ! Anyway, yes I started reading your post about a year ago. I saw the ,go back 2 years and read , so I do. And I still have a few I haven’t read. I save them for bedtime. I really hated that your mom and dad left you. That is to awful for words. When I found that part it made me so sod for you. It sounded like things were pretty normal before they left?? Or I guess not?? Your life must have been he’ll afterwards. I am so sorry that happened to you.
        I left my daughter’s dad when she was 12 and she hasn’t seen him since.He said it was too painful to see her. Breaks my heart. She is Married now with 2 boys. And she has trust issues. Do you ? Do you ever see or talk to your mom and dad? See I really do know you, about as much as I know anyone. So yes I feel like I know you as well as I know anyone. Like you said, we write things on here that we don’t tell anyone else about.
        Hope you are as good as possible. ! (wish you could co tinue your videos) Your voice is so nice to listen too, you would be a good person to read the audio books …😊

        Like

      • Those videos took me days to put together, because of my stutter, I had to redo and redo just to get them right, that’s why I used music as it allowed me to splice them accurately.

        I only spoke to my dad twice after and only for minutes. My Mum well yes on and off until 4 years ago, when she went too far again and decided I didn’t need the stress, it just wasn’t worth it. Although I didn’t tell her that, until a couple of months ago when she suddenly reappeared.

        I have huge trust issues. Not that I saw them that way for a long time. The totally warped my way of seeing partners especially, but it is all such a long time ago now.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I just can’t begin to imagine how that would feel….I so wish that hadn’t happened to you. Too much pain for anyone. , Especially children, and we are all children of someone, to experience. Parents are supposed to protect us from pain.
    I did not know you had so much problems making the videos. No one would ever guess. They were so interesting and lovely.
    Rest well friend and he good to your self….

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello Friend
    We must read each other mind. I saw your Gravatar reading Roberts post. Shortly after you are following me. I’m thrilled you stopped by and hope to see you often. What did you see on Robert’s site that lead to my blog? I owe him a huge thanks. There aren’t enough words to describe Robert.
    See you soon, I’m following you.
    πŸ™‚
    M

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s