I have the feeling that something really odd is going on in my life. The other day I wrote a piece where I mentioned that I was still waiting for my daughter to speak to her father about my grave plot. It turns out that around the same time I was writing it, she was at her fathers and he was done just that, he has signed the plot over to me, correcting my mother’s somewhat odd actions back in 1978, of putting it in his name. So with that now actioned, well, I’m free to get on with the rest of my the plan I put together a couple of months ago. In the same post, I was talking about worrying that I was putting too much onto Adam. Although I didn’t put it in the post, part of that was because he seemed to be so tired and didn’t seem to be able to keep up with everything. Then suddenly that night, long before he would have even seen my post, he flew into action, clean sheeted the bed and dusting and cleaning the living room. It just feels as though somehow, someone out there is reading my mind. It is far from the first time that I have found this sort of thing happening, but it always screws with my mind. Two things in the same day is pushing it. I know that it’s nothing other than coincidence, but still, it’s odd.
So now I am going to have to go back and read my own blog posts about organising my funeral and all the things that go before it, like the truth of palliative care, hospices and what social services can do to help us through the time between now and then. I need to go back and read them again, because, it has been so long since I set out on this path, that I myself, have forgotten much of the detail of what I was going to do. That is one of the problems of living with a mind like mine. I seem to be able to hold onto the big picture if you like, but the fine details, they start to fade all too quickly. What I do know, is that as soon as I get the paperwork back from Teressa, I can then post it on to Aberdeen and get the records altered. Once that is done, I can then book the funeral services that I had picked out and pay for it as well. This really is, though, the perfect example of why we all should sort things out now, and stop putting them off thinking we have forever. I started all of this in January, and I am not even one step further than it being an idea and then a plan. I’ve been lucky, my PRMS has clearly progressed in that time, but it could have thrown me into a place, where I wouldn’t be able any longer to action any of it.
I have taken a couple of steps, since the hiatus appeared ,I do now have my DNR and I sorted things out with my family. I did tell you all that I had written to my Mother, but not what has happen since. It was one of those letters where I laid it all out, telling her just how I felt about the way I had been treated by the entire family since I married Adam, and even before. It was also one of those letters, which could have had only two possible reactions. The letter was sent in the middle of February, I haven’t heard anything from them what so ever, so I guess that I have their answer. Mind you, not hearing from her for months on end, is nothing new, but this time, I honestly feel it is forever.
When I started work on my grand plan, I was aware that health wise, things were on the move, which was the very reason that I formulated an action plan. I had so many fears and so many worries, racing around inside my head that I knew it had to be done sooner rather than later. Far too many of us do nothing. We just die and let those left behind us to sort out the mess, well I don’t intend to be one of them. Nor do I want to sit here watching Adam work himself to a frazzle when there is assistance to be had. And I for one, don’t want to be forced into dying in a hospital, if, there is any way of my being here for those last days. I fully understand, that might not be possible, that a hospice might be the answer, but until I explore all the options, I don’t know. I hope that by sorting all of it out, it will mean that the whole process, the one that neither of us really want to talk about, will at least be an easier one, for us both, than it is for many.
Back in January, Adam and I did talk about it, because I forced the issue with him by writing about it here in my blog. Between then and now, it was a subject that just ended, I was trapped by the whole business of having the right paperwork. From Adams reaction, this morning, although, we didn’t have any real time to talk, I got the feeling that he had hoped, that I had somehow just forgotten about it all. I can’t forget, this is my reality, this is exactly where I am and what I have to do. So I guess that I have a lot of Google searches to do this afternoon and over the next few days, I might not find the exact details that I am looking for, but I am hopeful that I will at least find what my next moves are and how to go about them, and hopefully, maybe who to talk to. That of course, is where things get difficult for me, and where I need to have Adam on my side, as phone calls freak me out, so I guess we still have a little talking to do.
So that is where I am this morning, on the brink of starting over. The first thing I have to do is a lot of reading of my old posts, just to be sure that I haven’t forgotten anything.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 11/05/2014 – Just that bit more
I found myself awake last night, rather suddenly and feeling rather lost as to what on earth was going on. I knew that I had been dreaming, but why on earth after 7 years of not being there, was I suddenly dreaming about work? It appears that it doesn’t matter how long it is since you were last somewhere, or last did something, it still ……