I made a breakthrough last night and it came in a way, I never expected. The pains in my abdomen were so severe, that I, myself, was beginning to think, that an ambulance might be a very good idea. There was no bloating, no feeling that there was anything there, other than what I had consumed. The pain had shifted from imitating first stage labor, to full on second stage, just not quite in the right places. Some of it was low down, but the bulk, was in the middle and yes, across the top and into my back. By the worst of each wave, it had taken over my entire abdomen, from my pelvis to my shoulder, and I could feel it right through my body as well. Each wave varied in length and with each, I found myself naturally controlling my breathing and rubbing my back. By early evening, the pain was causing me to break into a sweat and to feel sick. I tried an anti-nausea pill, but it didn’t touch it, which told me, it was the pain, not anything else.
At 8 pm, it was time to take my meds, but, I couldn’t trust myself, that I wouldn’t throw up, so I took the decision, to make myself sick. I couldn’t believe what I threw up. It was 4 hours since I last ate, so there shouldn’t have been much there, but I found, at least, a liter of liquid, mixed with almost everything I ate at 4 pm, but no psyllium pancake. The pain didn’t change, but the nausea vanished, and I took my meds with ease. I sat with Adam and we mapped out a timeline, not just of what has happened this week, but right back and we think, that my splitting the dose of my psyllium pancakes into two, and raising the dose, could be behind some of it. We think what is happening is the first is causing a plug if you like, that moves forward slowly, not a problem with 24 hours between them, as overnight a gap is formed. But if a second is added 4 hours later, well then there is nowhere for anything that follows to go. So, I am backtracking 100%, as of today, I am back on the dose I was on 4 months ago. It’s going to take a few days for my system to clear through, and at this second, I am in bad pain again. There is nothing that I can do right now, but put up with it, but just having a plan, somehow helps. If in a weeks time, I am still like this, then I will phone my doctor. I’m waiting because if I’m still like this, then I will be able to say that there has been a huge change, in what is going on and without a doubt, I can’t live like this forever and whatever the solution is, I want it.
I know that it will sound stupid, but I quite simply haven’t been putting two and two together lately. I have been feeling so rotten and so tired in the last month, and for some reason, I haven’t been associating the fact that this pain is most likely, behind at least part of that. Because it’s been all centered around my guts, I have continued with it, in silence most of the time. When I saw the consultant who put me on to the psyllium, he was quite open, that there was nothing he could do about the pain. Until recently, his solution has worked. I was never free of the pain, that was just one of the things that was part of my life, so I lived with it. There have been many days when things were just as bad, as they have been this past week, but, they were just days and they passed. When it changed and became once again difficult to rid myself of my intestinal contents, not because I was constipated, once they move, my stools are perfect, but because there just wasn’t any movement, I did what I thought was logical, increase the dose. I was trying to increase the bulk so that it would move, but all that extra bulk is doing, is causing me more pain, but I didn’t see that either.
It appears that intelligence doesn’t grow with age. That it doesn’t matter, how many years you pass through, when it comes to stubbornness and that stupidly taught stoicism, they only increase. Just because someone says “there is nothing they can do about the pain”, it doesn’t mean, that you have to put on a smile and live with it. These last few months, that is exactly what I have been doing and where has it got me? Somehow, I have separated the pain in my abdomen, including my chest, from the pain in the rest of my body. Why I have separated them, I don’t have the slightest idea, as the cause is exactly the same, my PRMS. Yet somehow, I decided that the results were two different things. When I contacted the Doctor last month about increasing my pain relief, I still wasn’t including this pain. I was looking for help with the rest of me, and that was exactly what I got. As I said yesterday, pain isn’t just pain, there are so many different sorts, and so many different locations and just as many cures. The Gabapentin deals with pain caused by nerves, this isn’t nerve pain. This is the pain from good muscles trying to compensate, for muscles that no longer work. They are having to shove like hell, to move the contents past the dead zones, and that also hurts like hell. The answer, I don’t have a clue. As my consultant said, the psyllium provides the bulk and the lubrication, it can’t do the work of dead muscles.
So right now, I am writing because I don’t know what else to do to take my mind off the pain, but as you can see, not even this is really working. Every time I have tried to pull away from “it” as the subject, I have landed right back there. I don’t have the slightest idea now what to do, as I have taken right up to my maximum dose of Morphine and although lessened, the pain is still here, still hurting, still draining me. As Adam is at work, I don’t have to sit here with a smile on my face, I don’t have to pretend that nothing is wrong, but oddly, I’m still sort of doing so. Even now, I can’t drop the act, it’s part of me, it is me now. That’s the problem when you’ve been ill this long, it’s actually really hard, to know where the real me starts, and the act takes over, or is it possible that I have been ill that long, that it no longer matters.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 27/02/2014 – Hypochondria?
This is day 3 so I can now say with confidence that I have a mild dose of Bronchitis, the important but odd word there is “mild”, I’ve never had a mild dose in my life. I can only guess that my meds for my COPD is holding it at a low level, so I am just going to wait and see what happens, not point…..