Who survives?

I often think that after writing for four years, that I must have covered every single topic possible when it comes to living with chronic illness. Yet, every day, I sit down here and I start typing and every day, I find something to write about. I have never believed in the idea that you plan what you’re going to write. This theory that every story must be laid out with a clear beginning, middle and end, before you even start, just doesn’t add up to me. Nor that it has to flow bringing every single point within it, to a conclusion, as leaving some hanging, makes people think. Other than the last, if my posts do any of these things, it just happens, I never think beyond the next word, which always somehow, just appears. I’ve never been good at planning, for me. On a business level, I was great at it, I had to be, it was part of my job, but planning for myself, well, I never even tried. I know some people have their lives planned from today into the distant future, but just like writing, I’ve never seen the point in either. Yes, I’ve planned things like special meals or events, like our wedding, but when it comes to the average daily things, why bother. Life, like my writing, just happens.

I left school without a clue of what I wanted to do, other than to earn enough money to cover next month’s rent. I had already been living alone in the YWCA for over a year, and my father was to cut off all payments to me, on my 16th birthday. So at Christmas, I left school and started working on the 3rd of January, as a receptionist for one of the many oil companies in Aberdeen. The only plan I had was to save enough in 5 week’s, so that I could carry out my birthday present to me. To change my surname, so I had no connection to my family, and to put a deposit down on a flat, as I didn’t want to live in the YWCA, any longer. What would happen after my 16th birthday, who knew, or cared? Life did, as that was nearly 50 years ago and I’m still alive, married, owner of a nice flat and happy. I did it all without a plan, so why bother with them?

I never planned a career, yet, I always had a job and in the end, a good job, but I didn’t plan to get there, it too, just happened. I never thought that after my first marriage ended, that I would marry again, in fact, I was dead set against the whole idea, then I met Adam. I never thought, or wanted to own a home, yet once again, here I am, and I sure as hell, never planned to spend my final years, housebound and chronically ill, it, all, just, happened. Just as all this happened, I didn’t have a single clue, what I was going to write when I typed the first sentence. If I had been one of those people who had had a grand plan for my life, who had like so many other an in detailed plan laid out before them in their minds, becoming ill, would have destroyed every single bit of it. Could you imagine what that might have done to me? It would have destroyed me. Just as it destroyed so many people, people who fall into depression, because they have had all their dreams, and plans, snatched from them.

When I became ill, I didn’t have to learn how to go with the flow, I had been doing it all my life. I wasn’t thrown by not being able to do whatever I wanted either, as I did very little that I wanted for the first 28 years. I either did what I was told, or I did everything that simply had to be done. On top of that, I was already a homebody. I wasn’t one of those people who worked so they could pay, for that annual holiday, when they would jet off somewhere to lie on a beach. Yes, I looked forwards to holidays, because, they meant I could stay at home and spring clean my house, or do some DIY. I haven’t left the country since I was 12. The first holiday I went on since that time was when Adams family, asked me to join them in Arran for a week, I was 37 by that time. I had only one more holiday after that, again in Arran, just over a year later for our honeymoon. Good or bad health, my home is the place I have always been the happiest. In many ways, I know that that too, has made the lifestyle, that being chronically ill, has forced on me.

I was halfway through the second paragraph of this, when, I realised just where this was going. I guess my subconscious must have known, but I honestly, didn’t when I started to write, I never really do. Just occasionally, yes, there is a kernel of an idea, like when I wrote about the card, that my Mother sent me, but, I didn’t have the slightest idea what or how I was going to say what I did. Like always, I have meandered my way through this post, making individual points, and as I do so, I have drawn my own conclusions. I do actually believe, that if there is a type of person who will find chronic illness, not easy, but easier, it those who are similar to me. If you have planned your life to the last second, if you have grandiose expectations for yourself, then you are going to find this type of life, a total living hell.

There is also another thing that I have just thought of, that also possibly helps me to survive, I’m not a “what if” sort of person. I can also honestly say, that I haven’t once sat and thought about how my life might be now, if, I hadn’t become ill. Which is probably why I don’t have the feeling that I am missing anything. Where I am, what has happened to me, is just the way it is. All I can do is make the most of it, just as I have, where ever I’ve landed up over the years. There really is a lot to be said, for not making plans, and just living.

(No, I didn’t plan that last line either, it just appeared and rounded everything off nicely.)

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 22/02/2014 – Is stress the trigger?

Lately due to reading my old posts from two years ago, I have been wondering how it is that for two years I have written daily and not only daily, the posts have become longer rather than I would have expected……

 

 

 

 

19 thoughts on “Who survives?

  1. Please don’t stop writing. I find it therapeutic and cathartic. I tried to write daily starting in January but it’s just too hard on my eyes, also cognitively. Like you, I sometimes find I start a post not knowing the path it’s taking, only to be led to the place I needed to write about and share. Don’t ever apologize for your writing method. I like to believe that writing for me has not been limited by my accident, but somehow set free; boundless. This was the inspiration I needed to get back to posting. 😊 Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad to hear that, as like you, I believe this is a wonderful therapeutic process. I often totally shock myself with the subjects I find myself covering, but, that is also what make is the truth and that’s what people enjoy reading.

      I hope to be reading something new from you very soon (((Hugs)))

      Liked by 1 person

  2. THIS POST IS WHY PEOPLE KEEP READING. YOU ARE AMAZING.WE HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, EXCEPT FOR EVERYTHING IN THIS POST.I STRUGGLE WITH THE “WHAT IF’s AND THE “WHY’s AND THE DREAMS I HAVE TO KILL EVERYDAY.I ADMIRE THE PEACE YOU HAVE WITHIN. I’M STILL A DREAMER; WHICH MAKES LIFE HARDER .BUT AT THE SAME TIME; THE PAIN AND LONELINESS,ARE EASIER IF I DO DREAM. I KNOW THAT MAKES NO SENSE BUT DREAMING IS MY ESCAPE FROM THE MONSTER INSIDE ME.. SORRY, I’M TAKING YOUR TIME, TALKING ABOUT ME.THANK YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for confirming my post. I was suddenly sure as I was writing, that I was tapping a nail on it’s head, and it appears I really was. I understand your dreaming, you do it, because you always have, just as I have always floated through life, living for the now. Don’t get me wrong, it has a lot of down sides, like almost the entirety of my first marriage, but living for today, has so far, allowed me to make it to tomorrow.

      I hope your feeling better.

      Take care (((Hugs)))

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Pamela, getting your emails everyday calms me. Its like reading my own thoughts. I’ll be 53 in June and we could be twins. I’ve meandered through life as you have and think like you about life. We are survivors of our surcomstances. I also have MS. Miss diagnosed, and only a yr into it. I can’t tell you how meaningful and wonderful it would be to have all your blogs put in a book for me and others. Your written thoughts are encouraging and so helpful. It gives me hope when you talk about you and Adam. I don’t want to be alone and having this ugly disease. You said to tell the ones you love you do, something I’ve said for so many years. Life happens and then it doesn’t, you just never know. I just wanted to tell you, I love you too. For helping me with understanding what is happening to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m glad to be able to help and that I hope I can continue to do so for a long time. Don’t hold your breath, as it might not happen, but I am in the process of working out how on earth to get everything I have written here into a book or more a series of them, one for each year. It might happen yet.

      Take care 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lol….you light up my days. Smart, funny, say it how it is and you have an enormous heart. I wish we lived closer and had yrs to have a friendship. Thank you for your blog everyday. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

      • I HOPE YOU WRITE A BOOK .ALL OF US “BROKEN PEOPLE” NEED IT.EVERY DAY YOU GIVE US HOPE,TEARS AND FEEL A LITTLE LESS ALONE. I HOPE IT’S A LONG TIME BEFORE YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH WITH THE REST OF THE ANGELS.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Thoroughly enjoyed this. I plan to go back and read your previous posts. I too have always lived the life of whatever happens, happens. I try never to take things too seriously, and always smile no matter what. Be blessed.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Ugh… Pamela, would you please add me again to your emails? New phone and I messed your emails up…😞. I tried to subscribe and that didn’t work.

        Like

      • It’s me..lol… I re-subscribed so I hope it works. I’ve been frantic for 3 day’s. Am at the end of my data so going online is not going to happen. I miss your words. Now I know why I’ve been crabby with myself the last few days..😔

        Liked by 1 person

      • You’re absolutely right! As I had a connection to my wonderful neighbors Wi-Fi, I copied your blogs and sent them to my email. I’m happy and grateful you’re not giving up. I hope you’re doing well. You’ve gotten me this far as I discovered you soon after being diagnosed. My neurologist, new one in March, didn’t even tell me what stage I was in! So telling me anything about MS was never an option. I am grateful you and others are open and honest about it. I need to know and understand what my body is doing so I can have that imagined “Control”. I’m so happy you have Adam and that real love you should have received from your “family”. I think charting what you can will give you both time be just be in love and grateful for each other. Bless you both.

        Liked by 1 person

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