I didn’t know where I was, or who I was this morning. I sort of got myself through here, then sat at my computer staring blankly at the screen, waiting for it to boot up and wishing I hadn’t left my bed. Based on the past, I thought that today would be the day, that I would wake not feeling like I could dance around the house, but, at least, feeling as though I was alive. Three days, that is my normal recovery time for anything from going to the hospital, to have a visitor, three days at the most. Today is day four and I still feel like I did on day one. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have changed a single minute of the time I spent with Teressa and John, not one single second, but, my recovery, is clearly getting slower. One more thing to add to my list of things that aren’t quite how they were.
Granted, yesterday I made the dough so that Adam could cook the pancakes, but that took minutes, not the whole day, and it isn’t the sort of job that takes much out of me. The biggest thing that I did was to complete my letter to my Mother, in response to her card. I reread the one that I couldn’t send. The one that screamed and shouted my annoyance and pain in every word. Then wrote one, just as I thought she was expecting from me, one that groveled and kowtowed to her. Trust me, that hurt, as it was the attitude I was brought up to show. I followed that, by writing one, not even close to in between, as it was not that far from the first, but tempered by the second. I showed her the respect that I would for anyone who is in their late eighties, but, I also told her the truth, something she has twisted all her life.On the whole, my letter is very similar to my post about her card, but sticks to just the last two years.
At the grand old age of 55, I have at last stood up to my Mother and told her, that I refuse to play her games. Oddly, I feel nothing. I thought that telling her, would somehow change something, but it’s changed nothing. As I signed it, I realised why. The last two years, without her interfering in my life, always having something to put me down over, have been wonderfully peaceful. I haven’t missed her at all. Yes, I have often thought about her, wondered how she was doing, because she is my Mother, but I haven’t missed her. I was oddly content knowing that she had for some reason, that I didn’t know or understand, once again cut me off. But this time, I didn’t bend over backwards, to find out why. I called my brother and his words although friendly, didn’t match with his actions, they matched, as always, with hers. I chose to live 150 miles away from them for a reason. I don’t know if she will bother to pick up the phone or if this is the end of it. I don’t know if I will receive a letter in return and I don’t care, I kind of like peace.
Even though I wrote that letter. Even though Teressa was here for two days and even though, we had to deal with the phone call for PIP, and we’ve between us made the pancakes. None of it equates in my head for how tired I am. I long for sleep, but I also have a longing for one other thing, it’s what I asked for the other day, I’m still longing to do nothing. That’s something I don’t remember longing for, ever, in my life before, and I don’t even truly know what it is.
There isn’t a symptom, or an effect, that my body can do to me, that I am not aware of. This isn’t any, that I have come across ever in my life before. It’s almost like my brain wants to do nothing, rather than a physical event. It just wants to be allowed to not think, not ponder or even accept input or output of any sort. How you achieve that, I’m not sure. I would have said in the past that sleep would cover such a feeling, but I am sleeping fine. Eleven and a half hours every single night without fail, yet, here I am longing in a way I don’t understand, for nothing, and I want to understand, I want to make sense of it. Ask Adam, there is nothing in this world, that annoys me more, than not understanding something. It drives me mad. I even Googled it, and much to my surprise, I found a website called Nothing. It didn’t help, but it was a distraction for a while, but it’s not the nothing I long for.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 20/02/2014 – Change the image
It finally looks as though there is a chance that those truly unfortunate people who have spent almost the entirety of this year with their homes flooded, might actually be at the beginning of the end to their misery. I count myself lucky that despite having lived all over the country and in all sorts of homes, it is something I have been lucky……