I didn’t know where I was, or who I was this morning. I sort of got myself through here, then sat at my computer staring blankly at the screen, waiting for it to boot up and wishing I hadn’t left my bed. Based on the past, I thought that today would be the day, that I would wake not feeling like I could dance around the house, but, at least, feeling as though I was alive. Three days, that is my normal recovery time for anything from going to the hospital, to have a visitor, three days at the most. Today is day four and I still feel like I did on day one. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t have changed a single minute of the time I spent with Teressa and John, not one single second, but, my recovery, is clearly getting slower. One more thing to add to my list of things that aren’t quite how they were.
Granted, yesterday I made the dough so that Adam could cook the pancakes, but that took minutes, not the whole day, and it isn’t the sort of job that takes much out of me. The biggest thing that I did was to complete my letter to my Mother, in response to her card. I reread the one that I couldn’t send. The one that screamed and shouted my annoyance and pain in every word. Then wrote one, just as I thought she was expecting from me, one that groveled and kowtowed to her. Trust me, that hurt, as it was the attitude I was brought up to show. I followed that, by writing one, not even close to in between, as it was not that far from the first, but tempered by the second. I showed her the respect that I would for anyone who is in their late eighties, but, I also told her the truth, something she has twisted all her life.On the whole, my letter is very similar to my post about her card, but sticks to just the last two years.
At the grand old age of 55, I have at last stood up to my Mother and told her, that I refuse to play her games. Oddly, I feel nothing. I thought that telling her, would somehow change something, but it’s changed nothing. As I signed it, I realised why. The last two years, without her interfering in my life, always having something to put me down over, have been wonderfully peaceful. I haven’t missed her at all. Yes, I have often thought about her, wondered how she was doing, because she is my Mother, but I haven’t missed her. I was oddly content knowing that she had for some reason, that I didn’t know or understand, once again cut me off. But this time, I didn’t bend over backwards, to find out why. I called my brother and his words although friendly, didn’t match with his actions, they matched, as always, with hers. I chose to live 150 miles away from them for a reason. I don’t know if she will bother to pick up the phone or if this is the end of it. I don’t know if I will receive a letter in return and I don’t care, I kind of like peace.
Even though I wrote that letter. Even though Teressa was here for two days and even though, we had to deal with the phone call for PIP, and we’ve between us made the pancakes. None of it equates in my head for how tired I am. I long for sleep, but I also have a longing for one other thing, it’s what I asked for the other day, I’m still longing to do nothing. That’s something I don’t remember longing for, ever, in my life before, and I don’t even truly know what it is.
There isn’t a symptom, or an effect, that my body can do to me, that I am not aware of. This isn’t any, that I have come across ever in my life before. It’s almost like my brain wants to do nothing, rather than a physical event. It just wants to be allowed to not think, not ponder or even accept input or output of any sort. How you achieve that, I’m not sure. I would have said in the past that sleep would cover such a feeling, but I am sleeping fine. Eleven and a half hours every single night without fail, yet, here I am longing in a way I don’t understand, for nothing, and I want to understand, I want to make sense of it. Ask Adam, there is nothing in this world, that annoys me more, than not understanding something. It drives me mad. I even Googled it, and much to my surprise, I found a website called Nothing. It didn’t help, but it was a distraction for a while, but it’s not the nothing I long for.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 20/02/2014 – Change the image
Two Rooms Plus Utilities 
My mother died in 2000. I have not missed her one jot! It was unadulterated relief when she died.
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Well spotted, I was feeling just a touch a bit guilty. It’s amazing how well she has trained me.
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Maybe you don’t know what to feel because you didn’t feel like you thought you would after writing the letter to your Mom. You have been through lot these past few weeks. When a lot of emotions and events demand me to be strong. Sometimes. I forget to get in touch with my feelings again and I too want a sense of nothingness. No feeling. What usually happens when I realise I need to feel again- is I end up emotional and start crying. xx
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Much of what you say makes sense to me. I am drained in so many ways, other than just energy (((Hugs)))
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Isn’t it amazing how that umbilical cord tugs at us down the years, even when we try and try to cut it?
I will weep when my mother dies (if I manage to outlive her, which is not a certainty), not out of grief for her, but out of grief for the mother I never had. Yes, this one donated half my chromosomes, but she also donated a lifetime of criticism, ridicule, blame, and a constant reminder that I am not the daughter she wanted.
So I applaud you for your three letters, and am not at all surprised that you are exhausted by that alone, on top of having guests (either of those would put me to bed for a week). Well done: enjoy a well earned rest, if you can.
Once, in the depths of despair, I googled “what is the meaning of life”!
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I’ve never googled it, but I bet it came up with a web site as helpful as the one I found.
I think you have pretty well summed up how I feel. When my Father died, I did shed a tear then, but it was exactly as you said. I wasn’t grieving his passing, I was grieving the father I never had.
Despite having more contact with her than I did him, my feelings for both of them isn’t far apart.
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I have a bottle of Tokaji Aszu wine from Hungary in my mini-fridge that I will open on only one of two occasions: when I regain a place of my own, or when I learn of my “mother’s” passing. Either is cause for relief and celebration.
But you know, there is no sense of elation, accomplishment, or anything else in standing up to an evil, abusive “parent”. It’s something that must needs be done in order to maintain one’s health and sanity. That is all.
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15 years ago I was in a 2nd hand shop and bought a tape cassette of the ‘Wizard of Oz’ soundtrack. Shortly after, I had another toxic encounter with my wicked mother. She has always been a hurtful, vindictive destroying force. She was a hate-mongering narcissist and a raging abusive drunk who dealt in lies, misery and contempt.
So I played the tape–15 years ago–up to one second before the start of ‘Ding Dong.’ I still have the cassette. I will take it out and play it on that day of good news.
But you’re right. I just need to conquer her hate in my own mind, to have my own peace. Thanks.
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It still amazes me, the hold that family has on me. I did have a good relationship with my mother, but she died more than 20 years ago. Now, it’s the father, sister….. family. They jerky me around like a puppet. I always think I’m in control of the strings when I allow them back in, but I recently realized my sister was starting to play her game and I am always the pawn. (Tell me could I mix up metaphors any more?)
My father may be dying, he has cancer and is 82, I’m upset. More than I thought I would be.
This from the child who used to make elaborate plans on how to kill her father, who used to pray for him to disappear. .. die…just go away. I’ve hated him. Yet I still love him or is it the idea of the father I didn’t have. Now, I feel compassion for him. I don’t want anyone to suffer. But this keeps me and my sister closer than I’d like.
…… my point …..
With everything….physical, emotional….
I understand the longing for nothing.
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I sometimes wonder if it is partly because, they are the only relationship that has been with us through out our lives. It’s rare for us now as humans, who no longer live and work in the small villages we were once born in, to have those life long relationships now. As tribal creatures, we no longer have our tribes, just families. That extended care and love from all around us, and from us to them, is polarised. All those instinctive emotions can now only be invested in a handful of people, like them or not. I am beginning to believe, that even those who truly hate their families, can’t let go fully for this reason. Those of us with confused emotions, are bound to land up, confused. Basically, we don’t have a choice about our emotions, but our logical sides say we should.
I hope that made sense.
Take care 🙂
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I was blessed to have a great mother and father. My mothers death in 1999 was devastating for me, but she had been very ill for 16yrs, so her death was no surprise. My Dad just passed in May 2014. It has proven to be the single most earth-shattering event of my life. Although I have a loving devoted husband, 3 adult daughters and soon-to-be 8 grandchildren, plus a brother and 3 sisters… I can’t shake this feeling of being an orphan! A 51yr old orphan! My Dad was my sense of security in the world. I went to him to discuss any problems or big decisions. My disease progression has only added to my insecurities. I have SM or Syringomyelia and TC- tethered cord syndrome. (Ironically, my younger brother has MS, a very advanced case)
It’s amazing the impact our relationships with our parents, good or bad, have on us throughout our lives! At what point should we be able to feel like we’re grown-ups now, and their opinions and beliefs don’t have to match our own?
I too crave the nothingness you talk about. To do anything- even as simple as a shower- completely exhausts me! Being a former perfectionist where my home is concerned, I always feel so much stress and anxiety from the current state of my home! My husband does his best, but….. You get the picture.
A new spa opened up in town offering 1-2 hour sessions in their float tanks. You float in a large tank of Epsom salts water, in the silence and if you choose- in darkness. Complete sensory deprivation. Sounds like Heaven to me… if I can just make all the self-talk in my brain SHUT UP!
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That is the one thing we can never hide from, ourselves. That chatter that no matter how hard you try, just goes on and on. I have to say I thought about one of those tanks a few years ago. Too late for me, as I was already housebound, but like you, I think it sounds wonderful, but like you, I doubt my brain would take the message of silence.
I don’t think we are ever grown up enough, to be free of our parents, good or bad. They made us, no matter how well, or how badly they did their job, they are in everything we do. I remember once actually hearing my mothers words, coming out of my mouth. It scared the hell out of me, but they are always going to be with us, no matter what we do.
Take care (((Hugs)))
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Sometimes, I think, when you finally take on a tasks of taking out the trash in your life, it can be quite a bit and tiresome. When you are done you don’t want to do anything else but open the doors and windows and get the stench out. You are just airing out the smell of all the negativity. You can neither want input or output in your brain which goes to your spirit. Your spirit is just airing out so to speak. Who knows how long it will take. Sometimes you are just numb and it’s a weird feeling that will succumb slowly back to being able to feel again. These are my thoughts. That mother daughter relationship is so powerful. I try to remember that as I raise my daughter. Let the nothing happen and you will start to come back to life again. Your normal.
❤
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YOUR MOTHER, YOUR P.I.P, AND HAVING TERESA(EVEN IF YOU ENJOYED IT), ARE VERY STRESSFUL. STRESS AFFECTS EVER PART OF YOUR HEALTH. MAYBE THAT’S WHY YOU ARE SO TIRED. IT TAKES ME 2 DAYS TO RECOVER FROM A VISIT TO MY DOCTOR. I’M JUST GUESSING,I’M NOT A DOCTOR.
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I am glad you were able to write her a card which let you find your way back to your own inner peace. It takes time to recover from emotional stress. Give yourself time.
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