How could she?

I opened an envelope yesterday that shattered something I have held onto for over 30 years, a promise I made to my son. I sat here with tears flowing down my face and an anger like none I have felt for years. Yet again, my Mother has screwed up my life, and I haven’t even seen her for 15 years. That woman has spent her entire life either judging me by rules no one would understand, or by doing things that make no sense. I had asked Adam to fetch from the chest by the TV, all my papers, which have all been stored in one large brown envelope. It contains everything about me, from my birth certificate, my scattered qualifications, right through to my divorce papers from my first marriage. Amongst them, I knew there was an envelope that contained the deeds to my son, Jefferys’ grave. I needed all the details so that I could finalise my plans for my own funeral. When Jeffery died, my Mother bought the plot for us, as we quite simply couldn’t afford to, when she did, she handed the papers to me and said that it was in my name, for our future use. I had no reason to ever look at it from then, until now. In fact, the only time I gave any thought to it was when I got divorced. My ex and I discussed it and as my Mother had paid for it, and I intended to be buried in Aberdeen with Jeffery, unlike my ex who had no other connection to the city, and with our joint belief that the grave was in my name, no we didn’t open the envelope and read them, well I logically took the deeds with me. When I opened the envelope yesterday, I couldn’t believe my eyes, what I saw there wasn’t my name, but my ex-husbands. There it was in black and white, the end to my promise, and my choice.

It took me several minutes to compose myself and to start thinking logically about it all. There had to be an answer, and I simply had to think it through rather than react. I phoned Aberdeen City Council, the people who issue the deeds. They confirmed what I thought, either he has to sign them over to me, or if he won’t, them to give me permission to have my ashes interned there and a small stone erected. Either way, he has to sign one of two forms, which are in the post to me now. I haven’t spoken to my ex since I tracked him and my daughter, who he had taken without my permission to Auckland in New Zealand to live. Clearly, we aren’t on the best of terms. By chance, they are now both back here in the UK, through very different routes. Despite what he did to Teressa over the years, she chose a few years ago to rebuild their relationship. I have done the only thing I can, I have asked her to talk to her Dad and hopefully get the papers signed over to me. On one level, I can see no reason why he shouldn’t, but on an another, I fear he will simply demand that I send the deeds to him. He knows very well how to be mentally cruel and although Teressa seems positive about the outcome, I can’t be so sure.

It is amazing how one small action, so many years ago could have such an impact. The more I stopped and really thought about it, the more I realised that my Mother, although divorced herself, put his name on it, not out of any misplaced trust, more out of traditional values. One that said, he was my husband for life. When she did it, she couldn’t see what the truth of our relationship was, or how it would end. It just annoys me that once again, she is managing to tear away at my life. Since I married Adam, she more or less cut me out of her life. We had some contact by phone for a few years, then when I became ill, it slowly tailed off. When she became ill, my brother never even told me, it was after months of hearing nothing, that I eventually made contact with him, to hear she was in the hospital, about to moved to a care home. Despite promising to keep me in the loop, it took until this Christmas, 2 years on, for me to even find out where she is. Clearly, I am not wanted as part of anything now, any more than I have been for the bulk of my life. I am fed up of being seen as her “duty”, rather than her daughter.

So now my plans are in the hands of Teressa, it will be up to her skills of persuasion for me to be able to carry out what I always believed was a foregone conclusion. It just shows you how one tiny action, taken many years before, can screw up your future. Oddly, I remember when I left my first husband, my Mother actually asked me if I had the deeds in my possession. Surely, that would have been the perfect opportunity to tell me what she had done. Just having something in your possession, isn’t enough in the eyes of the law, it’s down to true ownership, not possession, despite the nine tenth theory.

I could really have done without all of this. I was feeling bad enough before I opened that damned envelope. It is yet more proof that stress isn’t something that does anyone any good. On the good side, I also opened another envelope yesterday, well rather Adam did. I now have in my possession, my DNR papers, and these papers, do have my name on then and are signed and ratified by my doctor. Just as the old one that I had, it has a time limit of five years. The only thing that the law change has brought about, as far as I can see, is a standardised form, and the fact that it doesn’t need an outside witness, and that the form stays with me. I don’t know if it is normal, but Adam has agreed with me that it might be an idea when I am next at the hospital for an appointment with one of my consultants, that we ask about it being added to my hospital records. I know it’s a belt and braces approach, but I really have no desire for anyone to be bouncing up and down on my chest, or having high voltage electricity coursing through me, I’d rather go peacefully.

I think I had been awake today for less than ten minutes when I was again aware of being exhausted. This morning was the first time ever, that I actually struggled to pull myself round enough, to be able to switch off the alarm clock. I have been struggling all day long. Today, the worst pain is in my lungs. I don’t know what is going on, or why they are so painful, but I am aware of every breath. To be fair, it’s more of a constant ache, rather than what most would call true pain. My diaphragm, though, well that’s another story. I am more than aware of what all my muscles can do, when under the control of my PRMS, they really don’t have to show off. I guess this afternoon will find me back in bed, not that it does much good, but somehow, it’s hard to fight the theory that going to bed, makes you feel better. Where did that stupid idea come from in the first place, probably something else I owe to my Mother. It’s amazing how what we are taught as kids, stays with us.


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 06/02/2014 – A girls best friend

This week is disappearing at a speed I haven’t felt for quite a while and totally without any reason that I can think of. I always thought that time flew when you were busier than usual, but I’m not, just ticking……






25 thoughts on “How could she?

  1. I feel for you. Families can be messy, destructive and exhausting, and the hardest thing is to just step away and let them be. But sometimes that’s what you have to do for your own sanity and health… In-laws can create more grief than I ever thought possible for people not of your own blood. Hang in there, keep being logical and hopefully you’ll find a way through. Maybe talk to the cemetery where Jeffrey is buried? Anyway, hope things improve. Nell 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello there Pamela,
    Sorry to read about your situation! Your mother sounds like my late mother! Where in the worl does this ilk hatch out from anyway … !!
    As for your DNR, make sure that a proper one is on file with every hospital where you may end up so they’ll have it. I too have advance directives of this sort and I’m with you, who wants to prolong a life like this? I’d like to go peacefully as well! Hang-in there my friend!

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  3. OMG Pam!!! Both our mothers are delusional cruel females 😳 makes me wonder how this is connected to our physical complications….glad there’s another “black sheep” in my family, YOU!😍🙇🏼👍🏽thanks for sharing this sis!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, mothers can be cruel. So much for maternal instinct. My parents used to take turns at night rubbing my legs and arms in alcohol and feeding me asprin, adult kind, not children’s. No wonder I have nearly no esophagus left, or stomach for that matter. Any way while they were rubbing they would tell me terrible scary stories about Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse, horrible stories about then living under my bed and waiting for me to get up and bite my legs, all to keep me in bed. I was terrified.
    Guess what I am still afraid of the dark and will not let my legs or arms stick out over the bed at night. Out apartment is lit up like Christmas at the first sign of darkness.Just nigh lights at bedtime, but a lot of them. I will get up to go the bathroom at night ,but only because the lights and tv are on. I have been sick most of my life with stomach and body aches and the only thing that has been diagnosed is fms/cfs, shingles, thank God, could be so much worse. And the rest of the regular things that go with the afore mentioned.(ADHD&ADD& anxiety)
    And still, my mother still says “wonder what “YOU” did to make yourself so sick ???”Although I know I didn’t do anything to make myself sick,,, I still wonder….. Hugs and peacefulness to everyone,….☺🌻🌹
    p.s. I know I kind of rambled but that’s just how my mind works now days…..


    • Don’t worry, I own one of those brains as well. I can’t remember what it was I said, but I still remember with sheer horror, hearing my mothers voice, coming from my mouth, one day when I was scolding my daughter for something. It never happened again, but it shows just how they bury themselves in our brains. (((Hugs)))

      Liked by 1 person

  5. If you ex is completely unreasonable, do you suppose you might be able to play on the heart strings of someone at the cemetery or the city council? He is your son after all…
    To maybe add a small smile to otherwise bad day (hopefully): I’ve heard people joke about getting “D.N.R” tattooed on their chest (or somewhere else where it will be obvious if needed). 😛
    Is the ache in your lungs a similar feeling to having bad bronchitis? I’m just trying to figure out what exactly you mean.
    Either way. Wishing you gentle hugs, and hopefully you’ll be blessed with a “good day” in the near future to help keep you going.


    • I have COPD, but the main problem with my lungs is still my PRMS. It causes both spasms and nerve pain within them, as it does through out my body. It could be either upsetting them, I am getting sharp pains in my right one, but tightness and burning in both. It’s hard to breath when it feels like I’m inside the tightest corset ever made. I’ve lived with it for several years now, but right now, it’s both constant and worse than normal.

      I hope it doesn’t come to begging with the city council, their not know for being helpful, but I fear even there, the answer would be the same, it’s a legal matter between me and him. If I have no luck, you can be sure that I will try 🙂


      • That pain sounds awful! I have asthma and get bad bronchitis sometimes, which is why I asked about that for a reference point. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that! After your description, I am kind of imagine it, but I know I have the scale 100% wrong. Hopefully it’s just a flare up that will calm down again so you can get a little relief.
        I do hope you’re daughter can help convince your ex to be a compassionate human for this case…

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Well, that’s a sharp stick in the eye, isn’t it? With so little control over the way things go as you have, at least you must have control over where you’re buried. This must be remedied.

    Please do go and get a chest xray, will you, if this odd feeling isn’t gone by tomorrow? I don’t have to tell you what havoc stress wreaks on the immune system.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I am going through a similar argument with my father over the grave of my brother, another child he never wanted.

    Not sure what the laws are not n that side of the world, but I am suing my father as it being an “unresolved bit of marital property” since it was my Mother’s parent’s plot, and she paid for it in its entirety.

    In my case, I’m asking for the plot to be put in trust for the surviving of the marriage, vs. any surviving spouse, and we’ll see what happens as I, too, have the original deed.

    I am sorry it’s so challenging right now.


    • In the UK you wouldn’t have a problem, as it says on the deeds that I have, that it is for the use of the named and their descendent, which I’m clearly not. In your case, there would be no problem what so ever as it was your Mothers family grave. In fact, you would have more rights to it than your father.

      I hope it works out xx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I have a mother who has thwarted me all my life sometimes in the most cruel ways. I don’t know what is the matter with people like that. It made me (and my sister) determined not to bring up our own children in the same way. I have ppms and am tetraplegic. I have a wonderful husband of 40 years who cares for me. My children are loving and supportive because I have loved and supported them all their lives. Therefore I feel I have not behaved to them as my mother did to me. This is a personal triumph! I am so sorry your mother has done what she’s done it’s quite beyond belief. Fight for what is right and don’t give up. I know this is the last thing any of us want to do – life is challenging enough – but you are strong. Good luck

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, I often wonder if it had anything to do with her being part of the war generation, who were torn away from their parents and not having the guidance a natural parent would have given. She constantly told me I didn’t know how lucky I was, that I didn’t grow up during the war. It’s just a thought (((Hugs)))


  9. Ah families. We love the -we despise them. Some love us -others loathe us. I’ve never been in your position before and I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through. Actually I am trying to imagine and I don’t know how you carry on. I can only think you have so much inner strength and a fighting spirit. I really want things to turn out better for you. For the deeds to go in your favour. I get it that your Ma probably put your exes name on out of tradition and I get it that you are still angry over this. I believe the mind and body are connected.I wonder if you could let that anger go at your Ma (maybe you have already) the physical pain would lessen. It’s more stressful hanging on to unhelpful thoughts and feelings. Whatever happens you are a fighter. Don’t give up! Please don’t stop blogging. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. Hope your daughter is able to get him to be reasonable. It’s bad enough not to have control of your own body but these logistical problems can add insult to injury, and having them solved can give you peace of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

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