Sometimes, it’s a hard thing to do, but once your health has gone, you have to be able to trust people, and not just in a way we all do daily, but in a way, that can sometimes save your life. Imagine if you will, just those consultations with our doctors, if we didn’t trust them as far as we can throw them, or the times when we have had to let ourselves be carried, through or out of our homes. If anything, we have to trust more people, than any other people living a “normal” life. I couldn’t list the number of times, that I have had to accept help from total strangers, the kind of help, that means allowing them into my personal space, to touch my belonging and at times my body. If you were to stop someone in the street right now and ask if you can just put your arm around them and hold onto them for a few seconds, well not only would they think you were mad, but they would also move away from you. I have had several occasions when I have had to accept strangers doing exactly that, to help me to my feet when I’ve fallen, or on one occasion when I found myself totally stuck and sat in my wheelchair, to do far more for me. On that occasion, I had to let two strangers lift me out of my chair, one holding on to me, while another gathered my shopping and handbag, moving my chair, then both helping to settle me back into it with all my stuff, before, moving me, to a place where I could continue my journey. At the time, I thought little of it, other than how kind they had been, and that my “thank you”, wasn’t enough. It was only later that I realised just how much trust, I had placed into people I didn’t even know, or would ever see again. We are forced into trusting, where others would run a mile.

These days, I’m not forced into those positions, but I am still forced to trust, and it’s something that is only going to grow. It only stuck me the other day when my shopping arrived, that I was once again, letting a total stranger into my home. Should anything happen, other than my shopping being delivered, I would be able to do nothing about it. By the time they arrived at my door, after me kindly unlocking it and opening it wide for them, if they weren’t the delivery driver, I would be able to do nothing to stop them. They would have the freedom of my home, to take anything, and do anything they wanted, and all I could do would be to sit there, and let them. I have to trust that voice on the intercom, to tell me the truth of who they are. Now that might be a fanciful story of something unlikely to happen, but it paints a picture of how vulnerable I have become to trust. I have heard other people being described as vulnerable, but I never thought of myself as one of them, but I am. I am as vulnerable as anyone else is, once we are disabled, as disabled, doesn’t just describe our bodies, it describes our abilities to care for and defend ourselves. Until now, I had never thought either that trust is in fact, another part of our disability, as we are forced into doing so to everyone, including those who could have intentions not to help, but to hurt.

It is a sad fact, that there are people out there, who don’t feel empathy for our position, they don’t see someone who needs caring for, they see just an opportunity. From delivery driver to doctor, nurse or carer, any of them could be the opposite of what we expect them to be, but because of our health, all we can do is trust. There is also a sadder fact still, the worse our health gets, the more vulnerable we become, the more likely it becomes, that we will become a victim of some sort. I am not a person who is easily scared, or easily feels threatened, but I am now suddenly aware, that I have slipped into a category that I never imagined I would ever be part of. You can’t watch TV these days, without seeing programs revealing the terrible things that happen to the vulnerable, even in their own homes. How people are being forced to live their lives with webcams focused on them, just to ensure that they are not being taken advantage of, mistreated or hurt. I find this so wrong. The whole idea that I might find myself in the position of spending my entire life, in the eye of a camera, fills me not just with dread, but revulsion. I don’t know what can be done to change this, but I am a trusting person, if you are a caring individual, you will find that the two go togeather and I don’t want to be changed. I don’t want to be forced into distrusting everyone, especially not those that I feel in my heart that I should. The problem with installing even just one camera is, not only does it point an accusing finger, at the innocent, it’s also a sad condemnation on the world.

All of us have to look to our future and decide for ourselves what we are comfortable with or not. I for one, I’m not comfortable with that image in any way. I know already before Adam reads this, or makes a single comment on what I have written, that he has already started making plans in his head, for a future when I need carers while he is at work. I know, because of his suspicious nature and his mistrust of strangers, that he will have already thought about cameras to keep me safe. I also know, this is a future argument in the making. More than that, I also know, that because I love him, because I want him to be happy to leave me alone while he works, that I will eventually give in. All that is unknown, is, at what point that will be. Maybe, he will just have to trust me, just as he has done all the way through my long drawn out confinement alone at home.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 15/01/2014 – A boost I didn’t expect

Yesterday afternoon I had this sudden desire to eat something I haven’t had for a while, it was one of those sudden moments of inspiration as it totally hit the mark. I don’t know why I actually stopped eating……