I woke feeling as though I was sharing the same death as King Edward II. Getting out of bed was total agony, but I had no other choice, clearly, my body was demanding, that I moved as fast as I could. I was in so much pain, that for a second, I hesitated as to if I had enough time to put on my dressing-gown, or if I just had to chance it. The time caught my eye, 10:22 pm, I had only been asleep for less than an hour and a half, it made no sense, but little had in the previous 6 hours, why on earth would this either. 10:22, Adam was clearly going to still be up, so time or not, the dressing-gown had to be put on. I don’t think, that Adam has seen me naked at all in the past 10 years, I won’t let him these days, as my body is such mess after years of illness. Last night, proved just how deep my embarrassment goes, as there was no logical reason to extend my pain for even a second. Once covered all I had to do, was to get out of the bedroom, that was when I woke up, enough, to start questioning the pain and what was causing it. The second my backside touched the cushion on my wheelchair, I found myself holding my breath and unable to let my entire weight settle on it, but there really wasn’t a choice, I had to get to that bathroom and now. Once settled, I reached out in front of me as far as I could, I managed to just touching my spare dressing gown that hangs on the back of the bedroom door, I grasped it, then pulled and the door swung open. A simple trick, but one that saves so much time, as I then have a clear path to escape by, rather than having to perform three point turns, around the base of the bed.

I couldn’t believe it, not only was Adam up, but he was in the bathroom. I had no choice, I had to call out to him and find out when he could vacate the room. Luckily, he wasn’t as I thought in the shower, he was cleaning the room and soon left when I explained my predicament, but only after moving things, that didn’t need moving across the floor. I think he could see my growing distress, so he rushed past me and let me in. Relief was only a moment away, or rather, it wasn’t. There was nothing there, my lower bowel was empty, which made no sense at all. It didn’t make  sense, there had to be, so I took a chance and landed up putting myself through pain, I can’t even describe, but there was nothing, but more pain. There was no doubt what so ever, I didn’t need to empty my bowels. It was only then that I could locate the pain as slightly, by maybe half an inch too far back, to be what I thought. It was a spasm from hell and all my efforts were just making it worse. My desire to return to my wheelchair was getting lower by the second, as there was a certain relief, just sitting with the affected area, in mid-air, but with Adam up, and waiting to get back to his night time chores, I had no choice. I couldn’t even enjoy the cigarette that I lit when I reached the kitchen. There was no comfort, stood, sat or in any position I could create and some of them were rather odd, but, worth a try.

All of this started in the afternoon. I had been making a batch of psyllium pancakes, as I had totally run out, so tired or not, it had to be done. With the first dozen cooked, I had to ask Adam to take over. I can’t actually put it into words just how I felt, even at the time, all I could say was that I felt wrong and I clearly looked it, as from that point, until bedtime, Adam checked every few minutes. It wasn’t as though it was one given area, it was odd things all over me. My stomach was a mess, I knew that as it was producing its all time favourite, pressure on my diaphragm, and that too was tight and making things more difficult, but that wasn’t it all. Almost every muscle felt odd, there was a body-wide and brain filling oddness. All the small things that had ever turned up with any previous oddness, had all arrived at once. I couldn’t swallow with ease my own saliva, but I could swallow a drink without any problems. My throat kept locking, and getting confused between breathing, talking and eating, all the muscles, were moving at the wrong time. It felt as though every extreme symptom I had ever had, were queueing up to take a pop at me. My arms and legs were weak, somewhat rubbery in feel, but as heavy as lead. I had no wish or inclination to do anything and swithered over going to bed, but although physically exhausted, I wasn’t what you’d call tired. My bladder control went wrong around 5ish and I landed up haveing to clean myself down and get changed, none of which was made easy, as my only other clothes were still in the dryer. I know all to well, that once my bladder has failed once, it can and often does, do it again, so I then had a fear of moving, which just added in an extra pressure to how I already felt.8 pm was another clear display of oddness. It was time to take my meds, but I couldn’t. Not because of issues with supply, I quite simply couldn’t swallow them, they just kept getting stuck. I’d get it back up, swallow again and drink like mad, to try and clear it. I thought they were gone and I actually sat and waited to be sure, before going to clean my teeth. As I twisted and reached into the cabinet for the toothpaste, five tablets appeared in my mouth. I didn’t burp or anything like that, it was the way I twisted my neck that brought them back up from the spot where they like to sit. We don’t keep a glass in the bathroom, so I had to once more call for assistance from Adam, which sent him off on another worry line, as to would they just appear again once I had gone to bed. It has happened once in the past, but that one is off the scale of oddness. I was told years ago that I have a pocket in the side of my throat, it’s called an Esophageal pouches. Another one of my oddities, as it’s mainly elderly men that have them, but I’ve had mine for several years now. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me, but when it starts playing up like this, well it normally keeps it up for quite a while, before it settles down again. I don’t know if I’m talking rubbish, but I think it gets stretched every now and then, and once opened up further than normal, it takes

8 pm was another clear display of oddness. It was time to take my meds, but I couldn’t. Not because of issues with supply, I quite simply couldn’t swallow them, they just kept getting stuck. I’d get it back up, swallow again and drink like mad, to try and clear it, then up it would come again. I thought they were gone and I actually sat and waited to be sure, before going to clean my teeth. As I twisted and reached into the cabinet for the toothpaste, five tablets appeared in my mouth. I didn’t burp or anything like that, I think it was just the way I twisted my neck that brought them back up from the spot where they like to sit. We don’t keep a glass in the bathroom, so I had to once more call for assistance from Adam, which sent him off on another worry line, as to would they just appear again once I had gone to bed. It has happened once in the past, but that one is off the scale of oddness. I was told years ago that I have a pocket in the side of my throat, it’s called an Esophageal pouches. Another one of my oddities, as it’s mainly elderly men that have them, but I’ve had mine for several years now. Most of the time, it doesn’t bother me, but when it starts playing up like this, well it normally keeps it up for quite a while, before it settles down again. I don’t know if I’m talking rubbish, but I think it gets stretched every now and then, and once opened up further than normal, it takes time to settle back again. Last night with everything else, it was just not needed.

The pain that I woke up with, probably, wouldn’t have sent me running to the loo if it hadn’t been for the problems my stomach was displaying earlier. If I had been awake, I might have recognised it for what it was, a spasm. I’ve never had one in that position, a few inches further forwards between my legs, yes, but that far back, never. Just like last nights one, they are a bit like someone grabbing hold of you with a large pair of blacksmiths Nipping-Pliers, then twisting then, just for the fun of it. I have learnt several tricks for dealing with those. The most effective is to make a tight roll from a towel, place it between your legs, and sit on anything that will help to apply pressure, such as the arm of a chair. But nothing was helping at all last night. Last night, I resorted to Morphine and relaxation, slowly relief appeared as did eventually sleep. Today, I feel better, but sitting is still a tentative process. Even once achieved, the shadow pain is a huge comfort issue. On the good side, I feel better, not great, but better and I don’t suppose, I can ask much more than that.

Oh! Just in case, you didn’t quite get the opening line of this post, well we don’t own a poker, nor a real fire to have heated it on. Not to mention, I hope I have never upset anyone baddly enough to have someone wishing to insert one into me. If, you still don’t get it, try Google 🙂

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 05/01/2014 – No embellishment, just me

There are days where I spend time just sitting reading back comments from previous posts, often they trigger something that I then want to write about or answer within another post, so in that respect I find…..