As soon as I lay down on my bed, I could see flashing lights. The last part of my body had joined in, optical neuritis was clearly playing a bigger role than I thought. I had been very aware that my eyes were just that bit more blurred than usual, and that the seasick sensation, when watching anything that moved, was growing stronger. I often feel it, so it’s nothing new, but when you can’t actually stand the effect of scrolling a page, well it’s time to give up and go to bed. I don’t know why, as other people say they can see them with their eyes open, but I only ever see lights, when I close my eyes. Once I was kitted up with eye mask and ear plugs, I lay down to find that it was brighter inside my mask, than it was outside it. Ribbons of light were flowing from top to bottom, some coloured, other were just bright. Seeing odd things when my eyes are closed isn’t unusual, in fact, it was the first signs I was aware of when my right eye was affected by, macular degeneration. The best way to describe it would be to say, it looked like a miniature petri dish filled with live cells, all wriggling and squirming, splitting and dancing, right in the center of the surface of my eye, but only when my eyes were closed, unless, I tried to concentrate on it. My vision wasn’t noticeably different at first, then the blind spots appeared. They were small, all in the exact same area as my moving friends, it was a bit like looking through a piece of lace. My peripheral vision was fine, it was just that central area, and it caused huge problems, as my right eye, had always been my good one, I am short sighted in my left one. If I were to close my left eye now, I can no longer read at all, the lacy spaces once allowed me to line up a clear area and scan with just that spot, but the clear spots have shrunk. Having optical neuritis on top, apart from triggering headaches, just makes everything harder as what is still normally good, is then blurred.
I was so tired, and felt so sick, that even though my skin was crawling with life, that once I relaxed a little and demanded to sleep, I did. An hour of rest and another of sleep, made a huge difference, actually, far more than the whole previous night did. I was a long way from perfect, but I was awake and the headache had gone. I hate headaches, they somehow have such a devastating effect, despite the fact that in the bigger picture, they’re nothing. I have always wondered how come I even feel them, when you consider how well my body is protected from pain, by the mass of tablets I swallow each day. Either, they are high on the migraine scale and I just don’t know it, or, just like burning yourself, something always gets through.
I have to admit, that yesterday I was feeling rather sorry for myself. It was one of those days where it didn’t seem to matter what I did, my body was determined to make life hard. I guess, that in reality, I was quite simply worn down by everything. It isn’t normal for me to feel that way, I am normally so good at keeping my life in perspective, just occasionally, I fail, and when I do, I fail totally. It’s nothing like falling into depression, but yes, I feel down. Even I get fed up with the whole thing, and just want to scream at the world, “This isn’t fair”. Nobody ever said it was, nor have I ever believed it is, but what life deals out to us, we just have to accept and get on with. I suppose, that I am entitled to just every now and then, feel as though I’m being picked on. Today, well I don’t feel that way at all, today, I am back in my normal stride and the fact my body doesn’t understand that when air or material touches it, that that is what it should feel, not fire, creepy crawlies or numbness, well that’s just the way it is. Not once since we redid our bathroom and removed the bath in preference for a really good shower, have I missed the bath, today I do. I suddenly had a desire to lie in warm water, I just have this feeling that warm water might neutralise the sensations. That there is a possibility, that if my body was surrounded by something it’s not used to, that it might just enjoy it, accept it and stop, feeling what isn’t there. Who knows if it would work or not, it’s just a notion. Maybe, it’s part of a desire I’ve had in the last few days to go swimming, something I used to really love, but the chances of that, are even less than a bath.
I’m not one really for dreaming about the impossible, but I remember once sitting thinking about winning the lottery. In my head, I designed my ideal home, not overly lavish or even big, I’m not that sort of person. But the one thing I wanted, even more than a house I could live in, in a wheelchair, was an indoor swimming pool. Although, I never had the opportunity to even try it, as all the swimming pools in Glasgow are miles away, or require expensive memberships, but I’ve always believed the swimming would help me. Even now, despite the fact I can do little, I know I could still swim and if, for nothing else, the exercise could change a lot. I know it’s a crazy dream, especially as I don’t do the lottery, but I guess we all need our dreams. Even though it was many years ago, I still remember it, right down to the colour of the tiles and ferns I wanted growing on one of the walls. The rest of the house, I don’t remember a single thing, just that one room. It’s odd the things we remember.
Even without a swimming pool, there are some bright points, this morning, my eyes have settled, and my vision just that bit better. My body, well, unfortunately, it’s still my body, despite the fact I would happily give it away, as my nerve endings are still on hyper mode. I just keep hoping that today, or tomorrow, or even the next day, I can say I have silence, even in the smallest part of me, that’s my only goal today, just to find one. The rest of it, it will unfold as it chooses.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 29/12/2013 – Zombiefied
It’s one of those strange days, one where I know what I should be doing and I really don’t feel I have the energy or need to actually even start on any of them. I’m drained, quite simply the past week has……