Back to the beginning

I woke up tired, with no reason on earth other than what I do daily online, as to why I couldn’t go back to sleep. It was genuinely, the very first time where I almost did, what I have been tempted to do so often. I honestly, don’t remember ever feeling quite so drawn to disobey the clock and say “To hell with it, I need to sleep.” There has been through all my life, this drive to work, to do things as they should be. It doesn’t matter if it is paid work or just the daily work of life, I always have to do what is right. I know that it started from childhood, from my parents demanding that life ran to two things, the clock and work. Work covered everything from, of course, going to school, homework, working in my father’s business and household chores. It was something I was grateful for, as it gave me a structure to hold onto, throughout some of the darkest years of my life. When I fell into a depression that twice nearly took my life, structure or as I call it now, routine, kept me going. Housework had to be done, the children cared for, the garden kept perfectly, clothes to be made, bread to be baked and the list went on, there was work, and always, more work. When I found myself housebound and working from home, I developed a routine that in many ways, hasn’t changed since. Clearly, part, at least, was governed by the work I had to do for the office, the reports that had to be on time, the bonuses that had to be calculated and so on. More than that, though, I developed the structure of living totally from home. I may no longer be paid, and my hours have diminished greatly, but routine has been, and is still, at the heart of my life. There are hours by which things have to be done, the only one that put’s any sort of pressure on me these days, is writing this. It has to be done before noon, else wise, I know I’m letting others down, and that doesn’t sit well with me, in any way.

Not long ago, I know that I mentioned in one of my posts, that I am now so tired, that I knew I needed more sleep, but I had no idea where to find those hours I needed from. Well, I am beginning to piece things together, that will hopefully allow me to take more time in bed in the morning. My routine has worked so well for me, for so many years, that letting go of any part of it is always hard. I have, though, done so regularly. I have had to over and over again snip away pieces here and there. Reducing this, or that, bringing it down to a size, that I can cope with as my health has slipped, further and further down. For months now, I have been having days when the whole things, just feels too much. The pressure that I have been putting myself under, is once more too much, but no matter how many times I have looked at it, I could find nothing that would allow me more spare time. I have nothing left that I am comfortable cutting away. Then last month, I discovered something, that I hadn’t noticed happening at the time. Every time I have reduced my “work”, I have cut away items from my list of tweets. Over the three years, I have been on Twitter, I have reduced my load from sending out, at least, one tweet every ten minutes, 24/7, down to 4 per hour. No matter how much I cut and tweaked, I never seemed to have any more time. What I hadn’t realised was that the time I produced, was being eaten up by my blog. When I started blogging, I was satisfied to have written as little as 3000 charters, I am now not happy until, I have found at least 7000, usually nearer to 8000. I have often found myself sitting here almost banging my head against the computer screen, as I simply couldn’t find anything else to really write about. Inspiration would appear and my then 5000 charters would explode to 9000 plus. It is no wonder, that I never freed up any time. So this is my first change. There are no longer any rules about how long a post can or can’t be. From here on in, a post is the length, I am content for it to reach. Some might be just a couple of paragraphs, another, much, much longer. From here on in, my daily health will govern what I do, rather than some mad rule about characters.

Outside of what I do online, my biggest problem for years, when it comes to getting enough sleep, is Adam. He is so bad at getting up and has since we married relied on me, to see he was up for work. I know for a fact, that if I just woke to see him out of the house, then went back to bed, it simply wouldn’t work for me. Without a doubt, that is the logical point in the day to extend my sleep, as it’s the point where I don’t want to wake. The sleep I take in the afternoon, is often not true sleep, more a doze, and in fact, if I were to sleep an extra hour in the morning, I probably wouldn’t even need to try again later on. I am so used to dragging myself through the mornings, fight tiredness, which slows down everything that I do. On the odd day where I have been awake, everything flows with ease and I complete my tasks with time to spare. Just being able to sleep one hour longer, could change things for me totally. Last night, I broached the subject with him and we have decided, that we are going to give it a go. He will set his alarm on his phone, which with my earplugs in, I don’t hear. There are a lot of things that have changed in our lives, that I wasn’t allowing for when I was worrying about him, not waking for work, the biggest being just simply, maturity. I am still going to set my alarm, but for an hour later, to start with and see how it goes. Any longer than that, I put myself outside of what my pain medication covers, trust me, waking every day in pain, isn’t a good way to set yourself up for anything.

I can’t live without routine. Although I had already removed the time restrictions for all tasks, I hadn’t looked a the most logical change of all, the time spent writing. I honestly don’t think anything will be lost, as on my inspired days, the words flow freely and fast, really fast. If there are any rules about writing, that is probably the one above all others, that should govern it, internal inspiration. We all need routine, but it should be us running it, not it running us.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 19/12/2013 – Just another day

I woke this morning almost unable to move, every part of me was not only stiff, it was also in searing pain, especially my back just above my waist. I kept trying to find the strength to lift just one side off the mattress…..

 

 

 

 

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