I am beginning to become frustrated by being ill. I know that is actually a good thing, but it’s also a hard thing to live with as that need to get back to life is slowly driving me mad. Today is the last day of the antibiotics and my lungs are in a much better state than they have been for a while now. The rattle comes and goes over periods of what I know is just minutes, but it feels good to take just ten minutes of air without it, with bouts of coughing that I actually feel is a good cough if that makes sense. I am a long way from well yet, my temperature keeps spiking and I drift off somewhere confused for short periods. But, I am even further away from the somewhat confused person who was sat here writing one week ago. I read yesterday all the posts I have written since this started, I apologise to you all as there were clearly times when my brain had left the building, all I can say it felt like it made sense at the time.
Yesterday and today I keep finding myself with short bouts of energy attached to a determination that normality will start here. I can keep it up until I sit down, then I stop dead again with no desire to do anything at all. It an odd roller coaster that feels like it is taking me nowhere fast, which considering that I managed quite a lot yesterday is a pure contradiction. Oddly having things done to you, are just as tiring as actually doing them myself. Adam was wonderful yesterday, he took on not just sorting me out physically but also my environment. Other than when I was asleep, I don’t remember him stopping at all. The bed was totally clean sheeted with all its layer getting an airing with the help of the tumble dryer, a drying through I knew they really needed but something that has been impossible as I have hardly left it. He cleaned the entire room, to a point beyond just making it more pleasant, but to a point it felt pleasant. All the time fetching and carrying for me constant glasses of milk, still my only food that I feel able to deal with. He cleaned up after me when I left the bathroom covered in wet towels and clothing then spent our final hour together sorting out my feet, which badly needed the nails filed and skin softened. I. on the other hand. just felt useless.
Being so ill that your body is a disaster zone that showed no inclination to actually make the effort to do more than just live, is not a nice place to find yourself in. It feels as though you are giving up, but not with any true decision made at any point. Everything just stops and you are caught inside it waiting to see what happens, caring but not caring at all. I felt capable of nothing other than to stay on the ride and see where it took me, as I said, stuck on a roller coaster. Even now, when I know I am through the worst of it, I still don’t feel as though I am in any sort of control, all I am doing is still holding on for the ride. I sleep when my body can’t take anymore of the effort required to keep myself upright and get up when it has rested enough to permit movement.
Today though has one huge step forward, I actually want to start taking myself back into the land of the living. I have this need to try and work my way back into the beginnings, and I do stress the beginnings of a routine that the outside world might recognise as life. No promises, no timetables and no expectations beyond normality is just past my fingertips and I at last have a need to grasp it.
Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 22/06/13 – The moment arrived
Things moved last night in a way I hadn’t expected and at a speed that is still making me feel swept along and out of full control. Adam hadn’t been home long when the phone rang, he answered it as well the only person who phones me is Teressa and I had spoken to her just a couple of days ago, but it was Teressa calling again and needing to talk to me. The words were flooding out of her…….