Am I here?

I never thought that I could get this ill so suddenly, I guess we all live and learn. That makes me sound really silly, it’s just I thought the prelim would be big enough of a warning before I could crash this far. But when none of you is ever really right, knowing what is just the way it is or something to pay attention to is hard. Every basic action has been destroyed, like something as simple as typing. I’m not talking about the high-level stuff like touch typing, just the basic action of having an actual key somewhere near the intended one. My mind is just some kind of a muddled mess, made worse by what I now know is the effect of the steroids, a constant high pitched squeal. Every word, every sentence is a repeated struggle.

This past week has seen me doing absolutely nothing other than sleep or sit here slowly achieving nothing. It felt bad enough when it was just me, but with Adam at home today, I just feel even more useless. The greatest improvement that I see is that I am now at least walking on my own without Adam leading me everywhere and keeping hold of me so that I didn’t actually fall. Although I am walking I feel as weak as a kitten and haven’t actually lifted my feet off the floor for what feels like forever. I am sure I look more like and octogenarian wondering around with no real destination in choice, although I always do, it too much effort to achieve without a purpose.

I have now had one full week in bed, a full week. I have done nothing and reported little, as sleep has stolen my body and mind. I know I have had days or where my temperature has spiked over and over and the sweat has flowed, followed by being frozen for hours. Moment of clear thought has been few and far between, but I have thought about when this started and what the cause might be. I have tracked the date of first symptoms back to Mon 25th May, I found myself totally breathless while taking in the shopping, it was my 5th day on the Psyllium and I was generally ill. Exasperations are caused by anything from chemicals, foods, perfumes, you name it anything that has changed. Well, that was one huge change and to find it hidden in there is going to be hard. Everything went slowly downhill from then until last week when bang the world, stopped. I just want to know when it will start again.

I am so lucky to have Adam here to do so much for me, I just don’t have the energy to do anything other than the essential. Like getting up and going to bed, I suppose going to the loo is important as well. This week he has dressed, undressed, fetched carried and fed me whenever I have let him, food isn’t high on my popularity list. With life in slow motion, just dressing can take from 10 to 20 minutes. Long breaks have been needed just to find the energy to manage the next arm or leg lift. When my body stops, I have no other option than to stop with it and his patience and caring has been amazing. Day two of my steroids and very mixed results, somehow I feel brighter, but still with no life in me, if that makes sense, please explain.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 19/06/13 – Which way is right

I have started this post a hundred times since yesterday, perfect one-liners that show how I feel physically at that very second. Words that remove so much mist from my thinking and that will be read with ease without the requirement for further explanation, then it all closed back over again. Maybe I should have recorded them all, as this post would be completed……

2 thoughts on “Am I here?

  1. IT MAKES SENSE, VERY FAMILIAR.I MISSED MOST OF JUNE,LIVING IN THE FISH BOWL YOU ARE IN. IT GETS BETTER,SLOWLY.THANK YOU ADAM, FOR TAKING CARE OF OUR PAMELA.

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  2. I read what you are going through… it is so incredibly hard. I can only believe that there has to be a God. He created you with a will and purpose for your life. I pray that he strengthens you and increases the capacity of your body and mind and releases you from this tiredness. God strengthen your husband, Adam too. (I don’t know if you are a believer or not, so I hope, that what I say does not offend you or your family in anyway)

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