I woke in the middle of the night this time, not because of any dream, no this time it was fear that woke me. It is no secret that I have huge issues with my bowels or that last Friday night was not the greatest night, I was up several times and as I always go the loo when I am awake at night, too many occasions of going back to bed then having to get up again, so when I woke I had no desire to go to the loo and I headed off to just start my day. At around 11 am, just before I went to wake Adam I went for a pee, to my shock when I dried myself I found far more than just liquid, I didn’t have the slightest idea how or when I had soiled myself, but I had. In the last couple of years, I have gone through spells of mild incontinence but it has always been identical, I am totally unaware anything is that low in my system, but the second it touches my skin, by clenching my buttocks I can make it to the loo without any further issues. Saturday morning was totally different, not loose and I felt nothing, I hadn’t even passed any wind, not the slightest thing, I couldn’t even be sure when it happened. It could have been anytime from my last visit to the loo during the night, or while I was in the bathroom. It was that realization that prompted a horrid picture in my mind, that it had happened while I was asleep, I knew it couldn’t have been that bad as there was no smearing or anything like it, but I just couldn’t be sure. Somehow I had to get Adam out of bed and check that there was nothing more left behind me on the sheets, to my relief everything was clear. Nothing more happened that day so I put it down as some odd one off and nothing to give another thought too.

Sunday afternoon it happened again and again there was nothing at all that I had felt, not wind, not movement not anything. Then again on Monday, just after my lunch and all of them exactly the same and around the same amount. I have been taking all the drugs that are supposed to help me control my bowels, but I still haven’t had any luck in getting them to move, despite taking the stronger laxative for three nights in a row. Last night after finding yet another accident just before Adam came home, I had no choice other than to take it again last night, I woke in the middle of the night, luckily not making a mess of myself, but because I had the worst wind in history and it was leaving with force. I had taken the higher dose last night reluctantly as every time I have it has caused me great pain, I felt kind of trapped into it as what else could I do. With my bowels refusing to clear yet leaking small amounts which I can only guess were appearing very slowly rather than in one movement, the only way that I could see to stop the accidents was to force them to clear. For some reason, the pain didn’t appear and the expected wind was double anything I have had in the past, even though I was sound asleep, the second I woke I knew what had woken me, I honestly thought that I had messed myself badly. As I woke more wind escaped me and I knew then that I wasn’t feeling it internally at all and it wasn’t until it touched my thigh that I felt anything. My fears were misplaced, but the damage of waking me had been done, so once again I was sat in the kitchen having tried yet again without luck to clear what wasn’t either low enough down in my system to get rid of or that my muscles were totally unable to shift. I sat there for about another ten minutes trying once again work out what I could do about the whole thing as the way my stomach felt at that second, nothing was happening. I couldn’t feel any internal movement, no pain, no spasms, nothing internal at all that could possibly mean that anytime soon I would be going. I did consider taking another dose at that point, after all it was only just gone midnight, but I thought better of it, fear of causing myself pain is a very sobering thing and no matter how desperate I am, I still try to avoid it whenever possible.

This morning, well I have moved another small amount and the wind that had me out of bed and as close to dashing to the loo last night, has totally gone. What hasn’t gone is the pain in my diaphragm, the internal pressure is still pushing on it and I am once again at a loss as to what to do, I don’t want to take the boosters as I explained yesterday and I really don’t want to run the risk of another disturbed night because of what that does to my health in general. It is now four full months since I have managed to go to the loo without drastic measure, four months of pain in both my diaphragm and my stomach, four months of disturbed nights and four months in which to become totally fed up with the whole thing. I just wonder how those doctors at the hospital where I am still waiting to go would like to live the life I have done for the past four months?

I know there are a still a lot of hours until I am at the point of having to decide just what to do and what meds to take tonight, a lot of time where something just might happen, but I know my body rather well and if I don’t go again within the next three hours, I won’t. Clearly the nerves in my intestine aren’t getting any better, they seem totally incapable now of just doing what they were made for. In January, the problem started with those huge lumps I couldn’t pass, lumps caused as it was compacting throughout me, then I eventually after a month of talking to my doctor I was prescribed meds that would soften my stools and for a short while there was an improvement. Now, they seemed to have become much worse, they can’t even shift what is soft and should pass without issue, but nothing is happening the way it should. The pain the other night, well that was caused by all this, just as it was back in January and February. March wasn’t too bad, yes pain, but I could at least once a week clear my insides, now I can’t even do that taking the highest dose of laxatives which just two months ago had me running to the loo several times a day and often into the next day. Once more my insides are at a stand still and the last few days are yet more proof of dead nerves, nerves that aren’t responding to anything even things that should have an instant impact on my brain. Friday was the last time that I felt pain in my stomach, since then the all the pain has been in diaphragm, that alone is not right, I know I should be feeling pain as almost nothing has changed since then, yet all I feel is this never-ending pressure. It is that black and white, one day in agony all over the place, the next nothing. Something has really changed and I can’t say I like it, at least when you feel pain, you know it’s alive.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 29/04/13 – Accidents happen

I had an accident on Saturday afternoon the has left me still slightly surprised that it happened, yes there was a large spoonful of stupidity in there and it could have happened to anyone, but it happened to me. I’m a lifelong smoker and I have used a zippo lighter throughout the majority of those years, so I know all too well how to fill and use one safely. So the fact that I filled it and then nearly set the house on fire, still leaves me…….