I was asked a question yesterday, one that sort of surprised me as it isn’t something I have ever greatly thought about. It was quite simple, I was asked do I ever ask “Why me?”, I know that other people ask those type of questions, but I have never felt that way about anything. There have been so many things that have happened to me in my life when I could have asked “Why me?” but I haven’t. I remember other people saying things like “You didn’t deserve that”, when my son died aged just 12 days, I also remember feeling truly confused that they should even think that way. Nothing had happened to me, it was my baby who died, not me, I was still here and still continuing, it was him that didn’t survive, it was him their thoughts should have been with, not me. I know that people do ask “Why me?” when they become ill, but I find it a question that has no purpose, illness happens, it is the fickle finger of fate that points at you and that is it, it has nothing to do with what you have or haven’t done. No one deserves anything bad to happen to them, regardless what others might think, to me asking that is a bit like saying “I didn’t deserve this, so why doesn’t that person over there have it instead?”, I couldn’t wish my life on anyone and I do mean anyone. It’s not that it’s a bad life, it’s not, but it’s not the life I wanted, so I doubt anyone else would want it either.
The thing about “Why me?” question is, few seems to ask it about the good things in life, I know without a doubt I have asked and did ask “Why me?” when a gorgeous young man, who I was old enough, just, to be his mother wanted to be with me? I have asked “Why me?” many time, when unbelievably good things have happened to me, so I guess that it comes from how we see our lives up to that point in time. Despite my having tried my hardest, not to be a victim, when your childhood is as screwed up as mine was it can be hard not to at times, to expect the future to be the same. I know for a fact that it wasn’t until I left my first husband that I actually thought that there was a possibility of a bright future and that it was down to me from then on, it was my choices that would determine it. I’m not saying I got it all right from then on, I made mistakes, I’m human. My health had been up and down for so long that I had learned to accept it as part of my life and although my diagnosis did knock me sideways, after a few days of feeling sorry for myself, I picked myself up and got on with it. I totally believe that acceptance of your condition is vital, without it you can’t move on and you have simply given up your life to it without it even having to try. The only answer I can come up with to “Why me?” is, “Why not me?”.
Despite having been taking the medication, the doctor prescribed and altering it as he suggested in the past 9 days, I have managed to only pass one large lump and a small amount of wind. Nothing has really changed in the slightest other than I managed to have one full nights sleep. The first night I dropped the senna from four to just two tablets, the pain in my lower stomach dropped away, it was so good to sleep straight through. Last night I wasn’t so lucky, but I couldn’t blame that on any tablets, just plain ordinary pain caused by my diaphragm, pain that is still going on. I don’t know what has aggravated it, but it has been much tighter than usual for the last couple of days, being totally honest, well it never seems to fully let go any longer. It has been that way for a few months, there have been days along the way where I would get extra spasm over and above, when the pain reached the point it is right now, the only difference is, it’s stopped letting go. I don’t think that the chair we have on loan whilst the settee is being done is helping, it has to be one of the most uncomfortable chairs I have ever had the miss fortune of sitting on, but at least I am not on the floor. Sitting here just now thinking about it, it does seem as though there has been a small step up in activity of everything. Last night Adam and I actually spent about half an hour trying to work out what on earth has changed that means I am spending so much time scratching. It is now over two months since I first noticed it, that I had to be scratching myself when I am asleep, I keep finding these lines of tiny scabs where I have dragged the sharp corner of one of my nails through my skin. It was just over a week ago though that I realised that I was suddenly scratching my head a lot, well with it being somewhere you don’t really touch without noticing and with my nails being a little too sharp, I can feel it as well. We have been through every possibility we could think of from washing powder, creams, meds, food and even the totally unlikely one of fleas or mites, but can come up with nothing. I do know though that I have trouble with nerves that twitch and cause some areas to become itchy, the worst being the tip of my nose, it often drives me totally nuts. So that is where we are at on this problem, left once again with no other answer than it has to be once more my PRMS, so it looks as though I am going to have to live with itchy eyelashes, ears, palms of hands, back and toes as no cream or potion has worked, probably more proof it’s inside rather than out.
I keep making the same mistake in thinking that there can’t possibly be another single part of me that could possibly join in this game of drive Pam mad. Why I think this should ever happen, I don’t have the slightest idea because if you think about it, there isn’t one single tiny piece of us that doesn’t have nerves within it, so why do I keep insisting this has to be it, nothing else can possibly be affected. I honestly thought that when the doctor told me that my Vagal nerve was now involved in the conspiracy, that that had to be the worst of it over, as the Vagal nerve controls almost anything of importance. At the time I didn’t realise that PRMS wasn’t just after the important, it would be after anything that it could possibly find to play with and as life has proved, it is often the non-dramatic that are the things that annoy and disrupt our lives the most.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 13/02/13 – Impact point after impact point
My concept of time is clearly no longer anything like it was in the past. I know they say as you get older time moves faster but when you have 6 hours a day less of it, well clearly that is going to have an impact. Adams coming and goings and the TV schedules are the only things that really stamps time on to any day. I was thinking earlier that if…….