Recently it has felt as though l can’t live my life without drama and yesterday evening was no different. I had once again made it to 10 days without going to the loo, so as I have done for years I took my laxatives, I think this is the third of fourth time that the result has been increased and intense pain, by 3 pm I the pain was so bad that I knew without a doubt that I wouldn’t sleep, but at least I could rest so I lay down. I don’t think I had been there for even one second without the pain taking over my entire self, once again it had got to the point where I was totally unable to even put my hand anywhere near my stomach and I was having to breath my way through each pain as it arrived. All of which triggered more pain in my diaphragm and intercostal muscles, there is some connection there that I can’t quite work out, other than the fact the only way I have learned to deal with the stomach pain by using the same breathing methods usually used in labour. The energy used up in this palaver is ridiculous, going to the loo is supposed to be one of those simple things that our body does, without us being that bothered by it, yet I am always bothered by it as there isn’t a day without pain in my guts as they pack themselves and shift large lumps around me. I hadn’t been lying down for long when despite my earplugs, I heard something happening in the hallway, the shopping which wasn’t supposed to be here until 5pm had arrived early, so up I got to sort it all out with Adam. The pain kept stopping me in my tracks and I simply couldn’t do anything other than lean on the counter and wait for it to pass, but there was no sign of anything being anywhere close to leaving me. It was a complete hour more when I decided that I had to try as the pain was more than I could stand, so I went to the loo and strained until at last I felt as thought there was something in range. I managed to pass a tiny piece and several minutes later after I had used a mini enema, I passed another but it was then that I noticed that the entire water in the toilet was red and what I had passed was covered with mucus and fresh blood.

I decided that as Adam was at home and with all the emotional upheaval of the last few weeks, that I had to be totally calm and just go and check online. At that second the only thing I could think of was that I might have ripped myself badly inside with all the straining and mad contractions that had been going on most of the day, for all I knew there could be internal bleeding or something worse. I found two sites that were totally useless as they just wanted to reassure people that they didn’t have cancer, I knew that already, the blood would have been dark, not fresh, all I wanted was to know if I was in danger of any sort and I found nothing. I picked up the phone as I was my only option and phoned the doctors, to my dismay it was closed and the person who answered the phone was part of the out of hours service. I had no choice but to tell them what had happened and as the words mucus and blood came out of my mouth, I broke down into tears, the calm approach failed totally. He was really nice and said he would get a doctor to call me, which he did within five minutes, five minutes that found both Adam and I in tears, Adam because he had decided that I had cancer and I was dieing, just the thought pattern I wanted to avoid.

The doctor put my mind at rest by telling me it was probably just a hemorrhoid that ripped, something I honestly didn’t think I had as I have had them years ago during my first pregnancy and I still remember how painful it was sitting, something I don’t have a problem with it at all, but I trust him. He is going to send a prescription for something to help heal it and some suppositories, which with the problems I have, I honestly don’t know how they are going to help. I did try to explain to him but well it was his afternoon off and he said that he would phone me tomorrow, as in today. The one good thing that he said was that the issue really is that my bowels are no longer working properly due to the lack of nerve signals, exactly what I told him three years ago, but I had to go through all the hospital tests, test that showed up nothing and I was then left from then to now struggling with it all by myself. Suppositories only work if the content of the bowel is within range, half my problem is that it never gets in range without the laxatives and he doesn’t want me taking them, I guess I will have to explain it to him all over again and let him know also that I haven’t passed even wind in the last 3 months other than when I have taken them.

It took both Adam and I a little time to settle back into a normal day, he had managed to wind himself into a state believing that I was now going to die even sooner, myself just because I was annoyed at how badly I had failed in covering it all up and keeping it to myself while I found out what was really happening. Once more we found ourselves sitting talking, holding onto each other and crying, this time thought it was over nothing. I was up three times last night, each visit to the loo resulted in just another couple of tiny pieces leaving me, just as happened again this morning and all of it without blood, but nowhere near clearing what is still hiding inside. There has to be an answer to this, something that they can give me other than liquids that I quite simply can’t drink, especially as lack of fiber isn’t part of the problem as my diet has to be more than 90% fibre already, plus I drink more than 2 liters of fluid daily already. It isn’t only I can’t stand the taste of the drinks, but I was told I would have to drink at least 4+ of them daily forever, which is a total of one liter of liquid that bloats me and makes me feel sick. The last time I tried it, well the results weren’t good, I only have 11 hours in my day and it took all of them just to drink the 4 and they stopped me from both wanting to eat or drink anything else.

The one good thing that has come out of this is firstly the doctors confirmation that I am right about why I have this problem, plus it has also made me determined that I am not going to go through this ever couple of weeks any longer, there has to be an answer and I am going to push and push until it is found and everything is working in an acceptable way.

Pleases read my blog from 2 years ago today – 04/02/13 – Sluggish and a little lost

I am really tired today, not that that in itself is odd but it’s a more a sedentary effect sort of calming and peaceful, not the best when you have post to do and a list of small things that has hardly been started. I just seem content to sit here picking my way……..