Muddled

There are days when no matter what you do life just isn’t quite what it should be, things may seem fine on the surface, but look inside my brain and life is a mess. As I said in yesterday’s post I was up early, the truth of that was I had once again woken early in pain, hot and uncomfortable, I had lain there for about half an hour and Adam’s arrival in the bedroom was a huge relief as I could escape the bed that was causing some of the problems. When I don’t get a great nights sleep, well things just don’t really go that well for the rest of the day, I may appear calm and under control on the surface, but like a swimming dog, I am paddling like mad just below it.

At first it seemed to go OK, having that early start meant that I could get a lot done before I knew I had to get Adam up and ready to face the day, as we had the upholstery company we had selected coming to the house to sort out the contract and finalise materials and so on. Years ago it was the type of thing I would have done by myself without a seconds thought, but these days, well I need Adam with me as my brain just doesn’t sort out figures they way it once did, nor does it hold on to the details, luckily his does. I proved that several times in just the half hour that the whole thing took as I kept getting the figures mixed up and Adam’s reassurance and input meant a lot to me. I had completed my blog before he arrived, so all I had to do was return here to sort out everything on Twitter. Around half past 10 I suddenly out of no where remembered we still had in the freezer the other half of what I had bought for Christmas morning breakfast, so I suggested we had a brunch to use it up and Adam took it out of the freezer for me. I actually began to regret it, the second I suggested it as I really wasn’t feeling well, my entire body was aching and the pain in my diaphragm was ridiculous. I hadn’t felt right for a couple of hours and the muddle I had managed to get in when sorting out the settees, struck me as worse than the muddles I normally got in, everything was wrong and I could find no reason for it. I never dive into the booster pills without first trying for a while to either deal with the pain or wait and see if it will just go away with a little patience, but it didn’t. When Adam decided that he would like to cook breakfast, I was relieved and even though I knew that meant that food would probably be just warm instead of hot, he doesn’t seem to understand about keeping thing hot while you cook the next part, I still said yes eagerly. I knew when he left the room that meant that brunch would be ready in about 20 minutes and I wanted the pain gone, as I reached for my booster pill there was this sudden realisation that I hadn’t taken my tablets at 9am and it was now nearly 11 am, no wonder I was in pain and feeling like death warmed up.

My brain just doesn’t seem to be able to hold onto anything these days, if there is a single seconds change to anything in my day, I forget. I was out of routine with the time I had woken up and with my brain fixed on our impending visitor and getting Adam out of bed in time, my brain just ditched its daily reminder, again. Once I have gone past any point that something is meant to happen, well if it doesn’t it is just forgotten, if it is something like my tablets, well my body does get the message through eventually, but otherwise, well it will be the next reminder point before I even think about it. Tablets taken and food eaten and I felt better, but I still found myself standing in the kitchen with my dirty plate about to add it to the clean ones in the dishwasher, Adam spotted me at the same point as my brain was entering a spin of not knowing what to do with them. I could see the clean dishes, but dirty dishes go in the dishwasher and even when Adam said, “just put it on the side”, I still had this feeling of scared confusion until I put them down and turned away to look in a different direction, then normality returned in my head. Besides the tiredness from lack of sleep, fatigue was setting in alongside it, between the mix up with tablets and lack of sleep, I wasn’t surprised at all. I did take a booster an hour later as my body was just a mess. Three o’clock brought the pleasure of going to bed, I sat on the edge as always and got myself ready, clothes off, earplugs in, sleep mask on, lie down ensuring all my hair is out from under me and spread over the pillow, then relax. Sit up again as I forgot to set my timer for an hour and a half, lie down again and once again sort out my hair, something is wrong, lie there trying to work out what, then eventually notice, I hadn’t put my sleep mask back over my eyes, it’s sitting pulled up on my forehead where I left it after setting the alarm and the whole palaver had to be gone through again, because once again my mind had ditched one step because I had done it, I just couldn’t hold onto the fact I had also undone it. The whole day was filled with stupid silly little things that make life hard and things that no coping strategy could possibly change. The only part of the day that passed without mental dilemma was when eventually I was sat just staring at the TV and not actually trying to do anything else. Even my hour of game playing had turned into a personal confusion which when you are playing something that requires you to work out problems, well failure is to be expected.

Over the last year or so, I know without a doubt that I am having more and more days like this, days where no one other than me or Adam would see the slightest thing wrong, but we know. Yes I know he sees it, it’s another one of those unspoken things, a process of him just keeping an eye, guiding me gently back into a settled place and a major factor that means strict routine is essential. When I am on my own, I muddle along, sometimes getting myself into a panic or spending long periods of time scolding myself for what I see as stupidity. My brain just isn’t the brain I remember any longer, it still works well enough to allow me to manage, but it does the stupidest things without any reason or my permission. It doesn’t process the logical or illogical any longer as it quite often doesn’t know the difference, frustration is my constant companion and yes you do get used to even that. I often wonder what it will be like in the next year or even the one after, will it still let me do anything, routine or not that I would now see as normal, or will it create some odd new world where the illogical is possible and a friend.

My day didn’t end on the settee, no it ended as all days end, I was sat on the side of my bed, clothes off and rolling the little cylinders of compressed foam so that they become a tighter and smaller diameter, only then can I put them into my ear and make sure that they are twisted into my ear canal so that they from the best sound proof barrier. Like ever person alive, my brain started to go over the day and look forward to what today will hold and with my mind now no longer paying attention to what my hands were doing, I suddenly realised that I was in pain in my left ear, I was sat there trying to not turn the earplug inwards into my ear canal, but outwards through my actual ear and I was pushing the point of my fingernail into the skin. I guess what they say about a day that starts one way, ends that way too, is true, brainless.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 31/01/13 – Working together 

Not long after I joined Twitter I made contact with a group of people who have been unfortunate enough to have a brain tumor, just one of the many groups of people that I have found share many of the problems that I do. It changed my reason for being on Twitter……………

2 thoughts on “Muddled

  1. Pamela I have many days that are muddled and yes I scold myself also. It’s still scary for me. My legs are getting worse but I worry more about my muddled brain. I worry about someone having to constantly care for me.

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  2. SADLY, LIKE THE COMMENT ABOVE, AND YOUR WHOLE BLOG; I TOO WORRY, MOSTLY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS SEE, AND WHAT I FEEL. MY BRAIN, WHICH WAS MY BEST FRIEND, IS NOW TURNED INTO A BULLY.I NEVER KNOW WHEN IT’S GOING TO HURT OR JUST TEASE ME.IT’S EXHAUSTING, JUST THINKING SOMEDAYS.YOU, PAMELA HAVE THE DISCIPLINE STILL IN YOUR HEAD TO GIVE US SOMETHING TO READ , THAT MAKES ME AND MANY OTHERS COPE. FOR THAT, YOU ARE THE LEAST MUDDLED OF US. THANK YOU….NEVI…TRYING TO REMEMBER WHY I’M IN THE LIVING ROOM, WHERE I RARELY GO THESE DAYS??

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