Feelings change everything

For the third January in a row, I have found myself in tears on a Sunday evening, the series “Call the Midwife” is back on our screens. I find it a really great series, well made, true to it time line in history and with every episode it pulls on my heart in ways others might not feel it, as it keeps touching on subjects so close to my own life. From the child who broke my heart for ever, Jeffery, through the one I just couldn’t reach, Christopher and the one who’s love is so important to me as I lost her, then found her again, despite her father’s best efforts to keep us apart, she still comes home to me now, my beautiful Teressa. Due to circumstance more than anything else, all three of them are locked in my heart as tiny children, even the two who are now over 6 ft tall and dwarf their mother. I really shouldn’t watch shows like that, last night my pain was so clear that Adam stopped what he was doing just to give me a cuddle, he wasn’t even alive when Jeffery was born, but he knows better than many just the impact he had on me. Yet again the odd tear is running down my cheek, I guess we never forget and it never truly stops hurting.

I woke in the middle of the night needing to go to the loo, I don’t know what time it was but lying there beside me was Adam, it’s the first time in over 8 years that we have shared our bed at the same time. After several nights of him saying he would come through, he had at last made the jump and was there just where he always should have been. I don’t know if I woke him, or he woke me but he spoke almost as soon as I started to move, which instantly told me that my earplugs weren’t working. They only work well for about 3 days, then need to be washed before used again, it is as though they lose their spring and can’t then fully seal the ear drum from sound, so when I returned to the bedroom I had to try and find new ones, all the time hoping I was not disturbing him which I am sure I did. I had been really surprised to wake and find him there, but it was a pleasant surprise nearly marred by my falling over, I don’t know if it was because he spoke to me as I was putting on my dressing gown or pure coincidence, my balance slipped and felt myself starting to go backwards. Stupidly it flashed through my mind that I couldn’t fall, not then, not just after he had come to bed for the first time, that was more in my head than any danger to myself. Once I had made it back to being actually in the bed, he rolled over so he could hold my hand, I was glad to hold it but it was so odd just trying to go back to sleep that it took me much longer than usual, I can see it is all going to take both of us a little time to get used to it again. I know I woke several times more before the alarm sounded, mainly as I was finding being cuddled up in my normal fashion of the duvet right up under my chin was causing me to overheat. I had totally forgotten that lying next to him is like lying next to a fire, he somehow radiates heat constantly something I have never discovered to be true of anyone else I have ever known. If I am being totally honest, well I could go back to sleep right now without thinking about it and for some reason, I am also not able to hold a constant temperature this morning, I am either too hot, or too cold with no happy measure that works throughout my body. Right now, my top half is roasting and I have had to take off one of my dressing gowns, but my legs are freezing, it is all part of my PRMS I know that, but I also know that if I haven’t had enough sleep it is always worse, but as I said we will get used to it. I am sure that within a few days of sleeping together again, we will do just that, sleep.

It’s going to be an odd week again as he is off now until the 4th of Feb, as much as I love having him around, it never leads to a week that feels as though it has been normal in any way. I guess that is the reason why when anyone suggests that I should have a carer who comes into see me, well I turn it down forcibly, in a way I actually cherish that little bit of freedom that allows me to do what I want without having to think about anyone else’s needs or wants. Part of that, I know is down to my just being and independent person, but there is also a large dose of actually just enjoying my own company. Adam often jokes that I enjoy the silence when he is not around, but it is, in fact, the total opposite that I enjoy. I love being able to have the TV on loudly, not worrying that it might wake him from his normal slumber on the settee, I also don’t have to worry about letting cupboard doors bang or the floorboards creaking, I can just go about my day with my mind on nothing else but myself and what I want and need to do, when I want to do it. I know that sounds selfish, it’s not meant to be, but I know the day will come when what I want just isn’t going to be practical and I am going to have to share my entire life with others there to care for me, so whilst I can still manage, well I am going to make the most of and enjoy every minute of it. When you know your future, well you honestly then see what you have right now in a different way, being myself has become something I hold onto far tighter than I ever did in the past. For most of my life, I was always happy to go along with others wishes and accepted that what I wanted was just a small part of a much bigger picture, it took me a long time to work out, actually I don’t think I really did until I was told I had 10 years left, from then on I know I have become that bit more selfish and that bit more determined to have my life my way. I just read that back and it sounds so bad, it isn’t meant that way at all, but those who read regularly don’t need me to explain that, I wouldn’t miss a moment that I do spend with Adam, when he is awake.

Right now I don’t know why but I am in pain in both my armpits, it happens from time to time, but there is nothing there that I can find to be causing it. One of the things I have found in the last few years since my walking has become somewhat unsteady, that I develop odd pains in odd places. I am sure that I what is happening is I am pulling muscles when I catch hold of things to steady myself, just like the mysterious bruises I used to have all over my legs when I was still working in the office, I am managing to damage myself in my attempts to save myself from worse injury. I doubt there is a single person with any form of MS who hasn’t found the same thing to some extent, it somehow though just doesn’t seem fair, it feels as though you simply can’t win and this stupid illness will get you one way or another.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 26/01/13 – Arguments inside 

I have been reading through old entries in this blog, it is hard for me to get my head round just how much I have written in one year, mind you if you write everyday if is bound to add up quite quickly. When you sit down everyday with a purpose that says you have to write exactly and truthfully, how you feel and what has happened in the last 24 hours, it may sound either really simple or really difficult……..

3 thoughts on “Feelings change everything

  1. PAMELA, MY DEAR** YOU**, HAVE EVERY RIGHT IN THE WORLD TO BE SELFISH. YOU ARE DEALING WITH, PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEMS, WITH A TOUCH OF HUMUOR, I WOULD AND PROBABLY WILL BE A BITCH, SIMPLY CAUSE I’M TIRED OF REPEATING, AS MAYBE YOU ARE, HOW MUCH PAIN AND AGONY IT IS EVERY DAY FOR YOU,ME AND THOSE DEALING WITH TERMINAL OR CHRONIC PAIN.SO, BE SELFISH PAMELA.THERE IS ONLY ONE “YOU”…… SO HAPPY THAT YOU AND ADAM ARE TAKING STEPS TO BRING BACK WHAT BOTH OF YOU NEED.LOVE AND HUMAN TOUCH….LOL….NEVI

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  2. The sleeping with someone and being THAT aware of them, their heat, heartbeat,sounds, never phased me before I was so sick.I think I know what you mean. My husband has been working nights for so long that I forgot how it felt to go to bed with someone else. I detested it in the beginning, but now I’m not so sure. No I am sure,,I miss him at night! But I sleep so much in the day that I try to make up for the lonely nights. But that doesn’t make it easier to deal with the “body heat” another person can produce. Also the movements from him wakes me. Do you find the least thing wakes you? I guessing it does. I imagine you mention it in other post but like I said ,I am just starting on your journey. Ok on to the next one. Really enjoy your post. They seem so much more grounded than the few others I have tried to read. Thank You for sharing..

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