I seem to have totally gone off food again, I ate two mince pies and a small yoghurt yesterday and that was it. I didn’t really feel sick or anything, yes the odd bout of a nauseous sensation, but they aren’t lasting all day, just a few minutes hear and there, the rest of the time I am just not hungry. Not even the remaining treats I had bought for the Christmas and New Year period aren’t tempting me, I just find myself looking at them with ambivalence, no matter how good they look I just don’t want them. I had bought Adam a steak as one of his, I though that he would really enjoy it as he is unlike me a meat lover, last night he decided to cook it and at the same time he fried some onions and mushrooms. It is a fact that the one thing that makes all humans feel like eating is the smell of cooking onions, I felt nothing, not a single bit like having something to eat, which seemed somewhat odd, especially as I had eaten almost nothing. This morning when I went to take my tablets, the time I normally make breakfast, I couldn’t find a single thing that I wanted to eat. My stomach was simply saying no thank you to everything that my eyes offered it. Once again I think it may have something to do with the spasms that I am having in the upper half of my stomach, for the last few days they have been driving me mad. Even just sitting here is difficult as I keep feeling as though I need to stretch out my mid region in the blind hope that somehow that will remove the pressure being caused by the almost constant spasm. It is even more difficult to eat when your diaphragm and guts are locked into a game of who can put on the best spasm and for the longest, I just wish they would grow up and behave themselves, just like petulant children they have become annoying.
The postman rang our doorbell yesterday afternoon, for a moment I couldn’t remember anything we were waiting for that could possibly require him to do so. Adam was in the kitchen so he went to the door and appeared shortly afterwards in the living room holding a small package for me, it’s odd how my brain does that to me, totally 100% sure about something, then suddenly it tells me a completely different story. The second I saw it I was also 100% sure that it was my new sleep mask and I was right. As with all these small parcels that arrive it was a jiffy bag and one like all it’s friends, almost impossible to open, I honestly with the companies who made things realised that it is a human who has to open it and normally one who doesn’t want to be showered in shredded paper, simply because the glued closure is set so well that even a Gorilla couldn’t re-open. Once through the built in barriers I unpacked what I can only describe as a miniature seamless bra, you know the ones that nobodies breasts actually ever fit into, they just sort of hide inside those oddly shaped mounds that clearly are designed to make anyone feel inadequate, despite the tags telling us they are the correct size. If I thought the shape was odd to look at, it got even odder when I put it on last night, as there is something totally wrong in knowing there is something over your eyes, yet you can open and close them with ease. Why this function seemed important to its maker I am not sure, but opening your eyes to discover total darkness like I have never seen before, even on waking in the middle of the night, is alarming, more like going blind than waking at night when you can always see something. Having said that the reason I bought it, to relieve the pressure over my nose worked perfectly, unlike the earplugs I bought thanks to their boasts of being better than the rest, I’ll stick to the foam ones which really do work.
Despite the fact I had a comfortable mask last night as I already gave away, I did wake up last night. As often happens I at first wasn’t sure what my reason for being awake was, I had this memory of hearing something like someone trying to brake through our outer front door, something no one could actually do as it is solid Victorian storm doors with wrought iron locks, braces and hinges, so despite believing that was what I heard, especially as I had my earplugs in, how could I have heard anything that clearly, so I just lay there for a while. I guess I was starting to drift back into sleep when I heard it again, but this time I knew it was much much closer, like right inside my bed. What I had heard was myself, to be precise it was my breathing and the rattle and draw sounds coming from my left lung and it explained why it sounded so loud, as I was really hearing the vibration it was causing. I coughed several times but it made no difference, so I got up went to the loo and then into the kitchen, yes for a cigarette. To a none smoker that will sound mad, why fill your lungs with smoke when clearly they aren’t working correctly, well I don’t understand the reasons or science, if there is any, but it really works and no not by making you cough. I have never had a smokers cough, it is something I have never understood as I was an extremely heavy smoker, but after enjoying my way through two cigarettes, my breathing started to ease slightly and I headed back to bed. Even now, despite having a diagnosis of COPD and a stop watch ticking away my life, I still don’t cough. What I once thought was a strange bonus, I now can’t help wondering if it isn’t going to be my undoing. The filling up with gunk that I can’t or don’t cough up is the reason that I no longer sleep on a flat bed and that was actually how it had all gone wrong. I had for the first time in years, slid myself down the bed, so I was almost clear of the slope and I had drawn my legs up by tilting my hips slightly, leaving the rest of me flat on my back, I haven’t been able to roll on to my side for a long time, I simply don’t have the strength.
Now that I have thought about it, I realise that I might also have the answer as to why I don’t want to eat this morning, my breathing is still a little laboured and when I sit and breath shallowly for a few minutes, I can feel and hear it rattling inside me. It is one of those catch 22’s, I can’t take a deep breath because of the spasms, but I need to to keep my lungs clear, I really can’t win some times.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 04/01/13 – Everything is happening at the WRONG time.