I can’t face the idea of breakfast this morning, it is a three fold reason for a change not just me feeling sick. First up is the easiest one to explain, I had a late night due to a late showing of “Eastenders” that I didn’t want to record, I wanted to see it going out at the right time, so no sympathy there, totally my own fault. Second was the fact that we always eat our meal together on the first of January, just as I had done for Christmas day I had chosen fish for our main, with simple vegetables in a cream sauce, simple to cook and quick to prepare. Christmas lunch had been outstanding, so I was really looking forward to it. The salmon which had a lemon and pepper butter just had to be cooked inside it’s paper bag in the oven, when it came out it just didn’t look that appetising but I know well enough that looks isn’t everything. I added a few more veg and bit more sauce on my plate than I other wise would have, as both were my selection and the sauce my recipe and I was right to have done so. To me the lemon didn’t taste as lemon should, it tasted like a chemical and over powering for the fish, Adam loved it and ate mine and his, but I wasn’t over bothered as I still had the veg, sauce & potatoes, more than enough to fill me, plus of course there was dessert to look forward to. It was supposed to be a light gâteau with profiteroles and chocolate mouse on top, Angel DelightInstant Wipe, both hated from childhood onwards, with balls of tasteless cardboard was closer, but I ate it. All my life I have always been a person that even if I didn’t like something I could and did eat it all, I had been brought up that way, like or dislike didn’t come into it, something changed a few years ago and it was a huge change for me. I suddenly found myself questioning why I was eating foods that I really didn’t like, which I think is a fair question to ask, but for me for some reason it has turned into not eating anything in it’s place. If I don’t like what is there, I prefer just to not eat at all and I have done often for days in a row. I am sure if we were out some where, or some one else other than me had cooked it, I would still eat it out of politeness, but if it’s me who is preparing the meal, then it’s my choice. I do though still find myself with an issue when it comes to putting in the bin, what I know is perfectly good food, yes I still have those words from childhood ringing in my ears, “someone somewhere would love the chance of eating that, you don’t know how lucky you are.” I also still find it hard to get my head around how I changed myself so radically, as I have totally failed that sort of change in so many other parts of my life, I suppose not having a huge appetite these days may go a little way towards it, but it feels as though I am getting more and more picky as time goes on. The third reason didn’t arrive until 2 am, when I woke in a hurry to get to the loo, clearly my insides that don’t normally move without dynamite being applied, wanted rid. Put all three things together and I suppose it isn’t that much of a surprise that the idea of eating anything for breakfast just turned my stomach.
Last night Adam was clearly not pleased with me that I had once again turned my nose up at what he thought was a really good meal, he more than me, seems to be constantly concerned by what I will and won’t eat and the quantities when I actually do. I guess the fact that I don’t really have the ability to eat huge quantities has played a huge role in my eating habits, when you don’t really feel like eating, doing so with something that simply doesn’t appeal is doubly hard. I didn’t even think about it until this morning, but it is highly likely that the problem that appeared last month when I found that food just didn’t taste right, might have been behind last nights problem. Both the main course and dessert had huge issues, ones that now I think about it were too extreme to just brush away as something wrong with the food, it is highly likely that the problem was me. To be honest I have been throwing away an awful lot of food recently and nearly always because of how it tastes, oddly including things that were fine to start with, but half way through I simply found I couldn’t eat any more of, not always down to the quantity, but more frequently due to the taste. Like a lot of things, after the first couple of days when I suddenly found everything tasted wrong had settled, I forgot about it, one of the few joys of bad memory, I forget the bad things as quickly as I do the good. To me symptoms aren’t symptoms to bother with unless they stay around and cause me problems, they can come and go, that’s normal, but one bout of something is never enough to say that it will truly effect me going onwards. Even now I am not ready to put this fully in the realm of true symptoms, I need that bit more proof and more examples before I make that step.
I used to think that I knew all the things my body could do to me and all the tricks and oddities, but the last year has seen more things jump up and hit me in the face, then hang around as part of my life, than I can remember any previous years. I honestly though at this point in time last year that I knew my future and what progression really meant for me, it appears I was totally wrong. Progression isn’t just the old getting worse, it is also the discovery of the new and they are and can appear at any moment in time and that I should never sit back and say that it, I know my future. Realising that though does make me wonder just what this year will bring and what I will be thinking this time next year when I spend some time looking back.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 02/01/13 – Independent or Supported