I have just bought another sleep mask, when I woke this morning the redness on my nose was still clear to see, but on the good side, it isn’t so painful to the touch. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised to see a bruise appearing, as that is how it feels, bruised. On the good side it gave me an excuse to try out some make-up I bought ages ago which I hadn’t used as I hadn’t taken the time to test it. I learned years ago that the first time of using something you have never used before, isn’t when you were going anywhere as it is bound to go wrong, so it has just sat there in a paper bag waiting. It is one of those powdered mineral based processes and I have to say it is amazingly good, just a touch of concealer and the red vanished totally, which did surprise me as I am one of those people who never believes what the advertisers say. It may sound odd but it is another of those things that I bought due to my health, I just don’t bother with make-up on a daily bases, only if I know if someone is coming here, or if I have to go the hospital do I add enough to feel comfortable. I was forced into looking for something new as all my make-up had dried out and died, buying the same again for it to just happen again sounded like a real waste of money, I needed something that couldn’t dry out, it had to be powder based and I found it.
There are so many silly little things like that, that you just don’t even think about when you become housebound, well why would you? But as time goes on, they just start to appear and you have to spend time searching for replacements or different ways of reaching the result you want, but one that will last, not curl up and leave you in the lurch. I remember when I had to make my first hospital visit after being housebound for 5 years, the appointment arrived and I suddenly realised I had nothing to wear. Clearly in that time thanks to my immobility my weight had increased and I was faced by a wardrobe full of clothes that simply didn’t fit. No one wants to have to spend money buying a totally new outfit for a couple of hospital visit and then would never be worn again, it’s not just cost restrictive, but it’s a complete waste of every tiny bit of it. My solution turned out to be truly cost effective. I searched on line for a some plain black pyjamas, made of ordinary every day materials, not silk or anything that might give them away as pyjamas. I found a set that looked when you added what they said was the house coat, very much like a casual trouser suit, add a coat and no one could guess their true identity. I have been wearing them ever since at home and I wore them when I went to the Dental hospital last month, not one person had given them a second look or said anything that I over heard as to what I was wearing.
I have found myself over and over wanting to clear out all my draws and my wardrobe of all the stuff I will never wear again. On the practical side it would free up some storage space which is much needed and it would also mean I could sell some of it and get back a bit of cash, but every time I think of doing it, I find something else to do instead. I have sat and thought about it a lot and the only reason I think that I don’t do it, is because in my head it would be like giving in to my illness. I know there isn’t the slightest chance of me either being able to wear those clothes again, or of my being able to make it out of the house whilst wearing them, yet I can’t let go of them. I keep telling myself that the time will come when I will be at ease with it, but that time just doesn’t fully appear. I suppose it must be a little like someone who is clearing our after someone has died, it is that final step, the last bit of saying goodbye and I have never been ready to do that. So I still have draws filled with underwear for some one with a size 10 figure, hanger after hanger holding black knitted mini dresses and pair after pair of long suede boots, all there, all untouched for nearly 8 years simply because I can’t take that final step and say that final goodbye to life I have no way back to. I know there is no rules about when or if these things need to be done, but on the logical side it really would make sense to let go, otherwise it will be eventually a job left for Adam to do.
There is a strange phenomenon that happens when you don’t see other people and your no longer part of a world that everyone but you knows, time stands still. Just as when you don’t see some one for several years, in your head they are as you last saw them, they haven’t changed in their appearance in any way, their fashion, their size and their age remain constant, until you see them again. Well the same happens when you become housebound, despite what I see on the TV, or how much news I watch, to me the world I know is set back nearly 8 years. The perfect example was when I was on my way home in the ambulance from the Dental hospital, I was shocked to be going under an entirely new motorway that now flies over part of Glasgow, when I had last been in that area of the city it hadn’t been there, but I knew from the news that it was there. Just like that motorway, my world is stuck for ever as it was when I closed my front door for the last time. The really odd bit is, so have I and Adam, yes I can see the changes, but in my head they don’t exist any more than any other change anywhere, the world to me has stopped and I can’t see it ever moving on again and even odder, there is a comfort in living in a time bubble.
I had never thought about it before, but that is possibly one of the reasons that life in a housebound world isn’t as bad as people expect it to be. We haven’t become housebound, we’re just on an extended weekend that never ends. Time is without doubt the hardest thing to hold onto, weeks and months pass me by without any real feeling of them being there at all, a good ground hog day if you like. I no longer think about what day, what time of day or anything else, outside my routine or where Adam is or what time he will be home, I drift through the hours untouched by them, I guess it is my brains way of staying sane, regardless of reality.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 30/12/12 – Inside Connections
I am happy to report that this is a brighter day at last! I feel today that smiling is allowed both on the outside and on the in, the last couple of days have just been really strange and I really don’t know why, I have theories, loads of theories, but……..
Thank you for your truth and positive energy. I went for a short walk today to break up my writing and to visit the sunshine. I hope you can open your windows and feel the sun on your body it’s so important. I am so in awe of your bravery and amazing presence in my world and I’m sure you touch many others too. This diary will make an excellent book.