Space to heal

It’s odd the things that annoy us, right this second I can think of two, the TV channels that don’t have consistent volumes over both adverts and programs forcing you to be blasted out of the room during ad breaks and my internet provider. No my internet connection is fine, I’m not just about to vanish, it’s just they keep moving the servers I am connected through, probably to do with volume of traffic, right now I am connected through Beith, sometimes it’s Kilwinning and of course mainly Glasgow, where I am. 99.9% of the world wouldn’t notice or even care about these things, but that is what makes us all different.

Yesterday turned in to one long struggle, I seemed to just drift off into some other world unable to keep going until anything was complete, I was tired and not in the way that I would normally be, it was the kind of tired where you just wanted to curl up somewhere warm and soft and just lie there for the sake of being there, cocooned and cared for. If we had a deep fluffy fur rug in front of an open roaring log fire, that is where you would have found me, content to let time and the world pass me by. In all honesty, it has been a growing feeling that has been with me now for several days, I just want to switch off for a while, to hibernate if you like. I have never asked anyone but I am sure that I am not the only one who gets like this at time, I’m sure because it feels like a feeling that is right, not disjointed in anyway, a feeling that is part of our collective feeling, those we all have with us through out life. If there is one thing that I have learned from sharing my life on line is that those feelings or events that make us feel isolated and unsure of, actually are shared by far more people than we ever think possible. Every time that I have written a post tentatively asking am I going mad or is there anyone out there who understand this or that, someone always comes back to me saying they do and some even add in the bits I was to tentative to add myself.

On one hand the need for hibernation is a wonderful feeling it is so cosy and so tempting that every time I drift towards it, I don’t really want to return, but there is where the problems lie, as I drift too long and then put myself under pressure to catch up with life. All day long I was either drifting somewhere or racing flat out scolding myself for being so stupid and to snap out of, but you can’t snap out of wanting to sleep and the more you try the more the feeling of walking through mud in Wellington boots that are 4 sizes to big grows with it. Right from when I got up I was aware of it and by the time Adam left for work I was already facing a hurdle that I never got over, any more than I have so far today, breakfast. This is now the second day in a row, where instead of making my porridge and picking at it until I could pick no more, I just haven’t even made it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I couldn’t eat any of it, not even pick at it. I haven’t the slightest desire to eat, I am not just not hungry, I feel like I have not long eaten, my stomach has no interest in having more added to it, even taking my meds was hard this morning. My stomach and diaphragm were already locked in spasm when I got out of bed and even waiting an hour had made no difference at all. It was around 11:30 yesterday that I remembered that when I did the shopping I had bought some mince pies, I not a huge fan of sweet things, but I have always had a nostalgic view of them, rather than a food view, brunch became a mince pie and flash travel through all the idyllic Christmases that never were. Christmas has to be the oddest times of year, when ever I think of it I think only of the wonderful decorations that I used to fill the house with, when Christmas arrived here, it arrived with all the history and glitter that I imagine the finest Victorian Christmas crossed with a Hollywood powered scene. That to me is Christmas, forget the presents, or the rest of the food, decorations and mince pies, does it for me. A mince pie and memories took me through until after my nap, when I eventually ate what should have been lunch, I may not be a fan of sugar, but the one thing it does is it lifts you short term energy and as mine is really low, I doubt there could have been a better meal if I had tried to find one.

I keep hoping that this will just pass and that food will just slowly slip back into it’s normal place in my life not the focus. I am also trying not to focus on it, which clearly I am failing as well at, but when you keep feeling sick all the time, well it’s hard not to think about it. I remembered yesterday that in my medicine cupboard that I had anti-nausea tablets prescribed last year, to my joy there are still in date and once I took one the nauseas feeling actually shifted, I still didn’t want to sit down and stuff myself, as well I still felt stuffed. I did though get through the rest of the day feeling not too bad and when it came to taking my meds this morning I included yet another, for some reason it hasn’t fully worked as it did yesterday, but I did take this mornings along with the rest, maybe it would work better alone, I will try that later. I am happy for now to see if I can settle the nausea without eating if that is what happens, but if I can stop feeling sick, I think my appetite will improve, I may not eat much, but what I do eat, I enjoy eating, maybe by lunchtime I will feel more like it.

There is an odd thing that seems to happen as your world closes down to a few basic elements, that those elements become incredibly important. I have noticed that what ever it is, that element takes on a larger than life importance, for example, housework. As I was becoming less and less able to do it, Adam took it over, for that first years I was driven mad by it, i think he was too, as I would follow him around the house correcting things, then telling him again and again how to clean things and how I did things. Try as I might I couldn’t stop myself, I was fixated by that one thing. It wasn’t something that was life threatening, but that was how I felt about it, just as I was when I fist lost the use of my left arm, I went mad trying to make it work, testing and testing again, but as the months past just as my arm slowly came back my fixation on the housework fixed itself. Right now I can’t see past the issue of feeling sick and not wanting to eat, I can tell myself over and over it will settle down, my body will work it out, all I keep doing is looking in the fridge or the cupboards trying to tempt myself to eat, then feeling sick and giving up. I keep picking at the scab and it doesn’t heal, I just wish I could leave it alone. Maybe that is the answer, don’t try to eat, just take the anti-sickness pill and only try eating again tomorrow or maybe the day after, once I have given myself space to heal.


Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 13/11/12 – Wheels for the brain

I am still finding staying awake a little on the hard side just now, last night just like the last few I was in bed before 9:30 and still asleep when the alarm went off, add in my 2hrs in the afternoon and well my awake time is becoming very limited to say the least. When awake I feel drained and given the freedom that I don’t…..

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