I gave in last night and I turned on the storage heater in the hall. I don’t remember ever putting it on this early in the year, but I really can’t deal with another day of being frozen out of reality. I know a lot of people wouldn’t count our home as having central heating, but I do, we have one storage heater and it is totally central, in between all the rooms we have and surprisingly to others but not me, it keeps the whole flat warm, well it does once it is at full power. I have had storage heaters in many of my homes over the years and I have learned that taking them up slowly to that level is the best thing to do, if you don’t want them to trip. If they do you have to wait for them to be cold, unscrew them from the wall, reset the trip system buried inside and start all over again, I very much doubt I have the strength to hold up a storage heater any longer, so slowly it is. It may be just on above zero, but it has already removed the worst of the chill, I don’t get why so many people don’t like them as other than a real fire with a back boiler, storage heaters would always be my next choice. I know some think them expensive, but I don’t find them so and with the price of gas rocketing, I think I have had the last laugh.
I woke this morning feeling a little bit brighter, despite having yet another disturbed night, I would at this minute give almost anything to have a week of sleep without out some part of me waking me at some stupid hour. Last night it was my legs that did the actual waking but once awake I knew I had to go to the loo before there was any chance of my sleeping again. Once up I decided to have a cigarette before returning for the rest of the night in bed, I had just reached the kitchen and lit my cigarette when I heard Adam wondering around in our rather small hallway, with nowhere to really wonder, I quickly realised he was searching for me. Rather than have him panicking I told him I was in the kitchen, as normal, I hadn’t turned on a single light. I avoid light like the plague, as I have learned that it makes it harder to return to sleep and I have I suppose like a blind person, learned my way around the house. It is actually even easier if you also keep your eyes shut, that way you don’t try to see and don’t invent the wrong directions. I have it now right down to the point that I can put my hand directly on the cigarette box in the kitchen, as well as the correct switches on the cooker to light it from. I do love the fact that he cares enough about me that he feels he has to make sure I am OK, even in the middle of the night, but I would far rather he stayed lying down and got his sleep at least. I know exactly why he checks, it’s because years ago I managed to knock myself out in the kitchen and I lay on the floor unconscious for what we think was about 3 hours. I must have made a noise I wasn’t aware off as I don’t always wake him, but there we were both in the kitchen at 5:30 in the morning. Once he was sure I was fine, he asked if it was OK for him to go and lie down again, he really is just too sweet at times, as if I was going to make him stand there while I finished filling my body with nicotine. From that point until the alarm sounded I slept fitfully, I was once more running through my mind conversations that will never happen. I don’t know why I do it and I just hope I am not the only person who does, otherwise I am about to admit I am a lunatic, but I spend a lot of time at night when not fully asleep, talking to my doctor, Adam, even people I haven’t seen for years, either reliving conversations as they were, or as they should have been, or in totally new conversations I haven’t yet had and might never, kind of dependant on how the rehearsal goes. There couldn’t be a more useless waste of time, but for some reason, I seem to have a need to do it and I can’t make myself not. This morning it was my doctor and it was basically all the things I said in yesterday’s post, just put in a fashion I hoped he would understand, not that he did as I didn’t land up any further forward than I was yesterday.
Once again this morning about half my porridge is still in its bowl, breakfast really does seem to be the hardest meal for me. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I started having breakfast, I never seem to really eat more than two meals a day, in fact for years it was only once a day. It was as I started to need to go to bed earlier and earlier, I was finding that having my dinner at 7 pm just wasn’t sitting right, so I switched my main meal to lunchtime and then slowly changed it from one big meal, into two smaller ones and it has worked well until recently. Maybe that is what I need to do now, just shift things around and see if that works, I guess if I am honest, I would be totally shocked if my life could just stay the same for any true length of time. I was about to write once again that I haven’t stood on the scales and decided instead to go and get the scales out of the cupboard, take them to the bathroom and stand on them. I usually would do that when I was having my shower, as it means not wasting energy, but I have been saying for weeks now that I need to stand on them and I haven’t. I was shocked to find that I have lost three-quarters of a stone. My weight hasn’t shifted anyway but upwards since I became housebound, so that is just totally amazing, but it puts me in a somewhat odd position of being delighted that I have lost weight, but now not understanding how it has happened. Considering that the quantity of food I have been eating has stayed more or less the same for several years, yes I have changed the items that make up my diet, but the calorie, fats and so on levels aren’t that much different, why I have suddenly lost weight doesn’t totally add up, as clearly, I am not doing any more than I ever do. The only thing I changed was from oatcakes to rice cakes and from hard cheese to Feta for my lunch, I was hoping that the change would be enough for something to change, even if it was to hold it steady. For about 8 weeks after I kept checking hoping that I might just loose even a pound ever couple of weeks, but I lost nothing, the weight was still creeping up by a pound a month. Right now though I am just delighted to know whatever the reason, I am just that little bit closer to the weight I used to be, just another 3 stone to go then. On the serious side, I will have to keep an eye on it, I had simply been putting it off as standing on them had just become a totally depressing process.
The longer you are ill, the more you avoid doing anything that is going to bring in a note of something that can’t be changed, weight is all too often one of them. All of us male or female get depressed when our weight rises and I was one of the lucky ones in a way, as I started out below weight before the doors finally shut. Three and three-quarters stone sounds like a huge weight gain, but I didn’t start eating more, in fact, I didn’t change anything. Immobility is one of the real dangers of chronic illness we never think about, it doesn’t matter how hard you try to diet, without any exercise because you can’t even walk, means you gain weight just eating the recommended daily food for an Adult. I just did a really quick calculation and although not 100% accurate, it does work out roughly at a pound a month, not much, but over 7 years it all adds up. I was actually surprised to find the calculation mirrored what I thought the gain was, as trust me, you get to a point where all you want to do is avoid scales of any type, followed by mirrors. With just a tiny amount of thought, we all know the dangers of weight gain, it alone opens up loads of new illnesses just waiting to strike, but so does malnutrition, there is no easy answers or perfect diets. I know as I said yesterday, I am eating far too little, but yesterday I believed that I was still gaining weight at a pound a month, but what are you supposed to do when you have no appetite.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 31/10/12 – Positive learning
I’m tired today, nothing new there then. Joking aside I am really tired I have been since Saturday I seem to have these sleepy spells and have done for years. No matter how I try, I have never managed to work out what the trigger to them are, it isn’t as though I have been doing too much as I haven’t really done……