It’s one of those odd weekends that we haven’t had for what seems a really long time. Once more the admin department at the hospital Adam works in is behind on the job of scanning doctors notes to add to patients files. I really don’t get this as the NHS has spent a fortune putting all patient records onto a computer, therefore the doctors no longer need paper files when they see a patient, but it appears that doctors are above typing on to the system, everyone else can and does, but doctors don’t, they still hand write all their notes and admin scan and add them to the patients files later. I would have thought that one of the beauties of having a system that not only means all patients records are in one place and available to read all online, but it meant there would be no more unreadable handwriting. At this rate, the NHS will never make the savings they set out to as they have to keep a large admin staff, just for scanning doctors notes. I personally am not complaining as it supply’s Adam with some much needed extra money, but once more the important back office saving which frees up budget to employ more doctors and nurses is being scuppered by the very people the new system was set up to help. Right now without difficulty, just by changing people’s habits every company in the country could make one huge saving by going paperless, imagine no more money wasted on paper, photocopiers and printers. Personally, I have never and can see no reason for all those printers people have at home either, an amazing number of people seem to print off web pages, WHY? they are there always at the click of a mouse, paper serves no purpose, other than to keep us tied up in the dark ages. (Rant over)
I seem today to be in one of those states where I am all to easily drawn away to anything other than what I should be doing. Lack of concentration is one thing, but when you add in a lack of motivation well the result is a really slow day that achieves little. I’m saying it is a lack of motivation but that it’s more than that, I am quite happy to be writing or sorting out what is happening on twitter, but today, well I just seem to want more, what I don’t know but more. Sometimes having to live your life in a set way as it lets you get through the day without any traumatic events, can be just that tiny bit dull. That is what I would say is wrong with me, I want a little bit of excitement, something exhilarating and that is nothing more than pure fun, I admit fully that that is a problem of being housebound. After 7 years of not going out, other than to hospital appointments, can just occasionally leave me wanting to do something new and different, the problem isn’t being housebound, the problem really is once again my health. Excitement, exhilaration, different and new are all the things that I know belong in that large band called the danger zone, as they all break every rule and every little bit of routine.
I remember when I first got my wheelchair and I was for the first time free to go where I wanted without someone with me, I went mad for a couple of weeks and I went out at every opportunity, in some ways trying to live the life I had before my health started to go downhill fast. I returned to my old haunts, went to the pub and tried to bring some life back into my life, it was a disaster, not only had all the people I knew years before all moved on and everyone I saw was a stranger, but I hit quite quickly a speeding up of my downward slope in my health. I had three weeks of a false freedom, I pushed myself to use my chair to it’s full and I quickly became proficient in its use, but all that exercise and trust me a manual chair takes a lot of energy and muscle to use, were the perfect recipe to pushing me into a relapse. My freedom was closed off, as quickly as it had arrived, I was shown without doubt that I wasn’t capable of being the old me, my body wasn’t up to even scrapping the surface, I never even got as far as a nightclub, or in fact even a night out in a pub, just a couple of Saturday afternoon drinks, proceeded by flying around town. Since then the closest I have been to excitement was climbing a ladder secretly just to see if I could, I couldn’t. I didn’t fall off but I was rather close to it after just going up a few rungs, my legs were shaking so much that getting back down was the biggest problem of the whole adventure.
During the years from the end of my first marriage to meeting Adam, I did so many mad things, put myself into a situation with people I wouldn’t have even considered saying hello to and learned so much about life, that I believed it would never end just being fun. Meeting Adam was to me the proof of that as we were so happy together and really did have a great life, I have said it before those first three years we were together were the best years of my life, so to have all that taken away by some stupid illness hurt. Don’t get me wrong, we are still very much in love and happy together, but the excitement and the fun levels have changed beyond comparison. So I have days like today where I just want pack up our tent and go and spend a night up a mountain, not just look at pictures, or to find and meet up with all those people I once knew, probably isn’t that surprising to anyone. Days like today are few and far apart, but I guess the fact they happen at all is a good thing, as they prove that no matter what is happening to me, inside I still have that passion for life, as what else is excitement and adventure if not the purest essence of being alive.
I doubt that I will ever stop having these feels, in fact, I would probably say that the day the stop and never return, will be a bleak day, as it is the passion for life that makes us all deal with all the problems that we face. If we didn’t have that passion, what would be the point, no one goes through years of pain, knowing that all they face are more years of pain unless there is a point to it all. I sometimes think that in a warped way, those of use who survive despite of everything that our body can put us through,are the people who understand and feel the drive to live far stronger than those who just do it. I just occasionally want to know, not just remember how it feels to have a body filled with adrenaline, rather than just pain.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 12/10/12 – I am
There is a strong desire today to not write, to simply post “I feel crap and I am going to bed”, but that isn’t what this is about, is it. To stay true I have to post daily, but there is no rule about length.
Just as I published yesterday’s post the MS Nurse arrived, she was here…..
Great post again, I am still struggling and not totally accepting I can’t do anywhere near as much as I used to and this week have really overdone it and feeling the pain of that.
Nevi, I wonder if you wouldn’t mind sending your poem to me also as I#d be really interested in seeing it too. My e-mail address is: email@example.com Thank you.