It’s another morning of nausea and a desire to return to bed, this seems to be forming a pattern and I can’t say I am impressed in any way what so ever. The other thing that I don’t like either is the fact that since I decided to be strict on making sure I drank enough in the limited time that I have, every night I have woken at around 4am needing desperately to get to the loo. The only way I know how to stop that is to return to what I used to do, limit the amount I drink from 6pm on, of course, I don’t have to point out where the whole in that plan is! How on earth is anyone supposed to drink 2 litres of liquid in just 8 and a half hours? I get so bloated by liquids and before anyone points out that I drink nothing that isn’t fizzy these days, I will point out that I have always been this way and having been born in the 60’s fizzy drinks were total treats to me until the last 20 years, prior to that I was like most people, I drank coffee and nothing else unless it was alcoholic, which as I have said before is something I can’t drink much of. So now I drink coke all the time, on the good side it is both diet and caffeine free, not quite but as close to a flavoured water, as any fizzy drink gets. Until some point around 18 months ago I also drank coffee, I didn’t stop drinking it on purpose it just sort of happened and I don’t miss it at all, I rarely make conscious decisions about a lot of things like stopping drinking coffee, my life has a habit of being an out of control flow, when it comes to what my body asks for, I just give it what it wants and for some reason it stopped wanting coffee. Regardless what the liquid is, the problem has always been the quantity, I have to have a drink on my desk all the time as my meds make my mouth dry, so I am constantly drinking, but I was never like the modern obsession of going everywhere with a bottle of water in their hand. What is that all about? I can only think it is fashion, as no one needs to carry liquid with them all the time, this is the UK not the Sahara desert. (Sorry, quick rant.) As time is passing I am beginning to think that it is all the things that come with, or aren’t directly caused by a chronic illness are harder to deal with, than the illnesses themselves. In the last couple of years they are the things that have caused me more work and thought, than any of the conditions I have, but I still have the conviction that I will get there and I will not let it get the better of me. None of which helps me drink huge quantities of liquid in a small window of opportunity without feeling sick all the time.
I am sure that one of the problems of drinking or eating large amounts has to be the constant spasm that I have in my diaphragm as that put’s pressure on my stomach, I am 100% sure that is what makes me feel sick. I am now convinced that it has been one of those things that have increased slowly over the years and that it was causing me problems long before I was able to feel it cramping up. If you go back in my blog you will find the first mentions of feeling it and how worried I was as I could make no sense out of it, that would be just over 2 years ago, now I understand it and I live with it 24/7. That though has started to worry me, as no spasm I have ever heard of is permanent, OK this one isn’t either, better to say that it is here 80% of the time and worst when I am lying down. The other bands above and below come and go, it is like living inside a corset, but instead of it having a continual lace, each level is laced separately and the pull on them changes constantly. To make it more interesting, it has also has the ability to tighten different areas of the same band at different strengths of compression. Right now the level of pressure is what I would have expected to be feeling a year ago when I was in bed, not sat here at my PC, I fear they aren’t spasms at all any longer and have moved into the title of “contractures”.
I know a lot of people won’t of heard of contractures, neither had I until I was diagnosed with COPD, at the time I was told that yes I had emphysema but it was more the damage that was being done by my MS that were causing me problems and where the symptoms likely to kill me first. I started to look around for information on how this would happen and there were two ways, one sudden, obvious if they all locked tight I wouldn’t be able to breath, but the second is when the muscles slowly lock up and lock tighter and tighter, slowly over time making breathing harder and harder, eventually the muscle will be tightly contracted in length with no give at all. Right now as I say it isn’t permanent, nor is it tight enough to stop me breathing, break blood vessels and cover me in permanent bruises yes and to make me alter my breathing to compensate for it. As I have mentioned in the last few months it is spreading and following one of the patterns that I found from what I had read. I didn’t look too deeply into it at the time as I am like most people, when it gets to extreme I shy away and play ostrich to its a possibility, I think it is time that I read what I avoided if I can find it again.
From what has been happening recently, this tightening isn’t restricted to my chest muscles, it has moved downwards to my abdominal muscles and it is that, that I think is making me feel sick when I eat, something that has been happening for a very long time as I haven’t been able to eat any great quantity at one time now for years. Which ties me back to the start of this post, I may have just recently been able to feel the muscles tightening, that doesn’t mean that they weren’t doing it more lightly for many years and if they have, well to me, that explains a lot. I guess it is time for me to find out more about all of this and see if I can fill in the gaps and tick a few boxes or not.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 3/10/12 – Seeing beauty
I woke up this morning feeling ill, I mean normal ill not MS ill. I just feel totally off, somewhat nauseous and with a great desire to climb back into bed and feel sorry for myself. I am reasonably sure it is all coming once again from my guts, as I have been to the loo three times and the pressure feeling around…..