I have just wasted about 5 minutes trying to understand one of those stupid text messages sent to my landline, why people think that automated messages are understandable I really don’t know. I still didn’t manage to write down the garbled website name they wanted me to check or to be fast enough to write down the number it read out, it was so fast no one could possibly have managed. All of it is because I am waiting for a parcel to arrive and these were supposed to be the details I require to track its delivery, I guess I won’t be tracking it, I just hope it arrives without any issue. I received a payment the other day for the past 13 months for the ads I have on my site a whole £60, no you don’t make a fortune as some claim. I am sure that the majority of people like me, don’t ever click on ads, but thanks to those who do I have used some of the payment to treated myself to a glass nail file, some face cream and hair dye, all the things I wouldn’t normally buy as they are just too much of a luxury to justify. For once I decided that I wasn’t going to just add it into we need to live account and spend it on those things that no one really needs, but are nice to have. Unfortunately once your health is gone and your earning power with it, all those nice to have things go with it, life becomes basic in more than what you can do, but also in what your life has in it to make it just that little bit brighter. I have known and to an extent was one of those women who wouldn’t have left the house if their hair was showing more than a couple of millimetre of undyed roots, these days it has to be dyed for a reason, like someone is coming to see me or I have an appointment at the hospital, outside that I can’t justify the cost.

The stupid thing is, is it is those little luxuries that give you a boost, in some ways they can be just as important as good food and medication, feeling good about yourself actually makes you feel that bit better in other ways too. I think once your health has gone and you are past the point where your weight is totally out of your control, as mobility has gone and exercise is a thing of the past, the importance of treats just grow. I have said that for a long time I have avoided mirrors, mainly because well who wants to see what was once occasionally size 8, but normally size 10 to 12 body with good muscle tone and good skin, ballooned to a saggy, lumpy and at a guess now a size 18 to 20. I may not suffer from depression, but mirrors are depressive, even more so when I also see the boosted ageing of my skin in the last few years. I always used to use good quality skincare and I believe it did make a huge difference, to me the proof was that within months of not being able to afford it, I could see the lines appearing, I am told that I still look young for my age, but it’s what we see ourselves that makes the biggest difference. The only answer I had was to simply stop looking, but then there are those visitor, those people who make you look in the mirror to put on makeup and make yourself look that bit better and there are all the things you have avoided so well. So my three purchases may not be permanent practical items but they are things that will give me a boost and I believe most women and some men as well, even those who deny that they would.

Living with illness isn’t all about living with the symptoms or the outcomes of them, there is so much more that most never think of, the result is you learn by your mistakes and that can be costly in more ways than just money. I have an entire wardrobe filled with clothes that just don’t fit, replacing them holds no appeal any longer. Much of that is due to my size but not going out is a far bigger reason, I just don’t need them. But what I wear daily is all that I need and thought out about to achieve what I do need and all that I can see anyone who is housebound would need. Basically, I wear night clothes, the reason is simple, they are firstly and most importantly easy to get on and off, without buttons or fasteners of any type. Dexterity makes clothing difficult, but add on to that incontinence and speed of removal can be vital, which is also the reason they are also easy to wash and dry. All night wear is loose and baggy, which makes them all comfortable to wear and to sit in, as sitting and lying down are the main positions you spend your life in. They are also wonderful when it comes to layering, a selection of lightweight dressing gowns allows you to add and remove with ease whenever needed. All those things are more important than how they look, but there are these days a good range available, but no matter how pretty lace, ribbons and any other embellishments are, it is best not to have them, they are too easy to catch fingers in, get trapped under you and caught in a million places like door and drawer handles. I have all to often found myself pulled to a sudden stop, just because my clothes have caught on the bar handles on the kitchen draws, safety has to be included as a sudden stop or time trying to untangle yourself or to make yourself comfortable, can mean you loose your balance and then you are in danger of falling. Clothing unfortunately, has to become basic and simple, it may not help you feel beautiful, but bruises aren’t beautiful to anyone.

It is hard to find yourself having to have an appearance that is alien to yourself, I would love to be wearing some of the clothes I thought were special and beautiful, but now totally impractical, to have my hair colour perfect and my skin line free and smooth, even yes occasionally I would like to wear wild make-up and decorate my finger nails with the patterns I used to paint on them. All of them have gone either because of my physical limitations, or financial ones, the fact are that health takes away most of the simple things that make you feel just that bit more feminine, a bit more like the person I was. The odd treat, the odd burst of financial lunacy is essential to us all, just being able to file my nails to the shape I want them to be, to spend a few minutes each day hopefully not just applying some a cream that feels great on your skin, but hopefully removing a little of the ageing that has appeared, all helps. It’s hard though to accept that these were all things that I once didn’t even think about, as they were everyday and normal, now all have to be treats and all I did wrong, was get ill.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 26/09/12 – Stepping over the blue line

This morning I actually got success in phoning the OT department when wrote to me exactly 3 months ago saying I was on their list and would be seen as soon as possible. It seemed to take her a while to find me on her system and when she did she said that it normally takes between 6 and 7 months to see……