Jake came to see me yesterday morning, I had once again placed a bid on Ebay for him and won something that he wanted for his Scalextric set, which is already huge, but I knew that he hadn’t played with for ages, so I was a little surprised he wanted something new. It turns out that it is now another one of those things that he is collecting for its monitory value. Apparently, there are a lot of items that are worth silly money and he has been buying through gumtree and anywhere he came across cheap items and squirreling it all away in his attic as part of his retirement fund, I just hope it pays off better than some of his past ventures. It was really nice to see him and although all we talked about was our shared past, Scalextirc, and his work, just sitting talking to him face to face, rather than just on the phone was good. At the time I didn’t fully realise just how much that hour took out of me, by the time Adam came home for his lunch, just 20 minutes later, I was already in my disconnected world. Exhaustion does that to me, it is as though I am out of sync with the rest of the world, I hear and see everything around me but it all has a slow motion feel to it. I hope that makes sense as clearly, it isn’t moving slower, it is a feeling, not a fact. I find it hard to respond to questions or to find words and Adam knew within seconds of getting home that I was in a mess. When he asked how I was and I said fine, he just announced loudly and straight at me that he didn’t believe me! The odd thing is I see that as fine, I may feel somewhat lost but I am not in pain or feeling ill, just a solid and complete sensation of tired beyond any normal tired. When I told him I was tired he started to plan how I could have an early night, but he didn’t know about last night, so he had no way of knowing that the last thing, tired or not, that I wanted to do was go to my bed.

Adam had taken an early lunch and had picked up my tablets from the chemist, I hadn’t expected him to get them until the evening but he had clearly been thinking about it and by picking them up at lunchtime, well it meant that I could start taking them earlier and hopefully manage to beat those ‘things’ a little quicker. I was really surprised and even showed the first tablet to Adam, they are the first tablet I have seen in years that are what I would call a traditional tablet. Large, round and with a break line across the middle, it’s years since I last had something prescribed that wasn’t either lozenge shape or a capsule, if they are round they are usually tiny and smooth, I honestly thought they had stopped making traditional tablets years ago, clearly they haven’t. The mouthwash stuff that was sent is another one of those things that despite it says ‘Peppermint’ on the label, just tastes nasty, either my taste buds are shot too, or the people that make these things don’t bother tasting them, horrid or not, I want the ‘things’ gone so I will be using it. Although there was more over time on offer last night, Adam came home straight after work, clearly as happens all too often, he was too worried by how I was at lunchtime to not come straight home.

I suppose that anyone who is chronically ill and has a partner who is a natural worrier, I just wish that I could do something to put his mind at rest. He has lived through the last 15 years of my health being shot and I still can’t convince him that I am capable of knowing when things are so wrong that I would either call for help or I would just head to bed and stay there until he came home. There is one thing that is impossible to explain to those who aren’t living this way, we aren’t made of glass and as long as we are capable of breathing, drinking and getting to the loo, there is nothing that anyone can do for us. I have tried so many times to put myself in his position, to imagine that we have changed places and how I would feel and I know I would be exactly the same way if not worse, but still I wish I could give him some peace. In some ways, I wish we could swap, not that I wish this on him, but I honestly think I might have the easier side of this partnership. I know what is happening, what I feel about it and what my future is and because it is all happening to me I have made my peace with it, but how do you make peace with something that destroying the person you love, right there in front of your eyes every day, I don’t believe you can. I couldn’t sit back and watch something destroying Adam, but I can as it destroys me, because it is me and not him.

I wasted so much of yesterday just waiting, scanning my body and waiting, I know that my history meant I had nothing to worry about, but when you get such a sudden change, well you can’t help but too live waiting for it to happen again. Even though I was exhausted last night, I wouldn’t let myself go to bed, I wanted to be doubly sure that when I put my head down that sleep would appear as fast as possible and that there wasn’t the slightest chance that I would have a repeat of the night before, luckily that is just what happened. I slept the full 10 and a half hours without missing a second of it and woke with the alarm, not with pain. It would be nice to think that it was all one nasty one off, but I have thought that about too many things through the years and the truth is they always reappear and they always get worse, it is just a matter of time, be it hours or weeks, it will happen again. For now all, I can do is get on with living and enjoying it, with yes an eye on it as I can never stop watching, just in case.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 25/09/12 – On going denial

One week on and my back is still hurting, I have to admit it is better than a week ago but I really did think it would have gone by now. Adam is back at work today so normality is once again restored in the home if not in me and yes I did make a start yesterday with my writing so I am no longer looking at….