I don’t feel great this morning, nothing major, just one of those days where I feel out of sorts, something that considering MS and Fibro are all about muscles and nerves, I have never understood. I seem to have spent a rather large part of my life feeling like this and just getting on with it. It is a bit like my conclusion that when the doctors told me that they could find nothing wrong with me, despite all the classic symptoms of both conditions, I came to the conclusion that I was a wimp as clearly, that meant everyone in the world lived with the pain I did, they just didn’t complain about it, feeling out of sorts, has fallen into the same slot. It’s not like we ever in our lives sit with everyone around us talking over how our bodies feel exactly, day to day or even when truly too ill to function, we don’t talk about these things at all. Yet here we are a race of people who believe we have more knowledge at our figure tips than any other age, but truth be told, none of us truly know exactly how our bodies should or shouldn’t feel. Add on the fact that when things change slowly, as they do over time, we really don’t stand a chance as we age of avoiding those slow burning illnesses. I honestly believe that we are probably the worst generation for not know anything about ourselves, step back in time and people talked amongst themselves, as they couldn’t afford doctors, talking was the only way of stumbling over a cure from a friend or acquaintance and history tells us they weren’t shy about it either.
I clearly don’t have a problem talking about what is happening when it comes to my body, but that is something I have only learned to do in the past few years. I was brought up such that you just didn’t talk about any bodily function ever, regardless of what it was. I still remember when I was 11 I had been having my periods for about 3 years so I was used to the secret way they were dealt with. My Mother never spoke about them with me, just left me a supply of pads in a brown paper bag in my under ware draw each month. I made a mistake one day while sitting with the family I mentioned that I had an extremely painful stomach due to my period. You would have thought that I had just killed someone and my mother stood up and called me out of the room, then instead of giving me a painkiller, I was given a lecture on how totally inappropriate it was to say such a thing. Those words stayed with me and shaped my way of dealing with my health until I was in my mid twenties, even then I still held most of it inside, only daring to talk to my doctors. Without a doubt, I wasn’t the only person brought up like that and without a doubt, there are millions of people out there who see it as just not complaining when in fact, they are locking themselves into a world of pain and illness that they don’t have to live with at all. I may have learned to talk and to write about it, but only to a point, there are still things that it takes it to be extreme before I would bother to talk about it with Adam, no secrets, just not totally comfortable for me to do so. Bringing back that ability to talk freely isn’t just about making sure we don’t have illnesses that could be treated, it would also work the other way as well, it would stop us worrying or going to our doctors when it isn’t needed at all.
I am actually just waiting to talk about my health but with my doctor, I have left a message asking him to call me as the ‘things’ are growing, I made sure I gave away no information to the receptionist, as I want to talk to him. Partly I want to talk as I would really like to stop calling them ‘things’ and find out what he thinks they are, I guess he might say cankers but I will question him on that as three major facts don’t fit. More than that though I want to talk to him about the antibiotics as I realised last night that this is the third time in a row where I have required an antibiotic and the first version prescribed hasn’t worked. Personally, I have never been someone who has taken many antibiotics, but they are saying that more and more people are finding the same problem, they just aren’t working for them. This is the start of week 5 for the ‘things’, so clearly my own body is also failing when it comes to dealing with them, so other than the next level up on the antibiotic scale I have no idea what can be done, constant oozing pus isn’t something anyone can live with forever, as it will just spread. It might even be the reason that I am feeling off colour again, now that the other antibiotic is out of my system, my stomach and so on isn’t dealing with it either.
The weekend passed quietly until last night when sitting chatting with Adam while I watched the “Antiques Roadshow” and he scrolled around on Facebook. Suddenly he started talking about it being someone’s birthday, I had to get him to repeat it twice as I wasn’t sure what he had said. Eventually, I understood all too clearly what he was saying and I instantly felt terrible. Yesterday was my daughter Teressa’s birthday and I had once again totally forgotten about it, yes I said again as it is far from the first time, I am the world’s worst at remembering birthdays. Ask anyone in my family and if any have had more than two birthday cards from me in the past 20 years, well they are the exception. The daft thing is I always feel so guilty about it, even when I think they would be more shocked at me remembering than forgetting, it doesn’t stop me feeling bad about it. I think I might actually be the only person living who managed to forget their own birthday as I did several years ago, it was only when a card arrived that I remembered. I have tried to work out why I forget these things, in part it might be down to the fact I don’t understand why anyone would want to remember their own birthday once out of childhood, nothing to do with age, just to do with I don’t get it and part is just having a terrible memory all my life for dates, which is just getting worse thanks to my MS. You would think that the terrible guilt that I feel when I realise that I have forgotten, would be enough to make me remember, but not even that works, guilt or not, I have just forgotten another of my daughters birthdays, mind you, she is now at an age where I have forgotten more than I have remembered, so it won’t of surprised her it has just happened again. Sorry Midget, your Mum just doesn’t have a brain and can’t help doing totally unforgivable things without even realising she is doing it yet again. I hope yesterday was a great day for you and sorry again.
Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 22/09/12 – Steps to the Future