A new peace

It feels like this week has lasted forever and all I have been doing throughout all of it is a fight to make myself better. I already know that the antibiotics have failed in what they were supposed to do, they may have shown up other problems and saved me from a spell in hospital, but they haven’t managed to cure the ‘Things’ they are still there, smaller but still there, so part of Monday is already written, a phone call to the doctor, I wonder if I will actually get to speak to him this time? I am just so tired today, but after yesterday’s start, it was to be expected, add in the fact that I was shuffling back and forward to the bathroom time and time again, using the only muscles that would listen, my buttocks and how I feel right now, was more than expected. I don’t just feel tired, I feel so tired I can’t really be bothered doing anything, even this seems to be a bit like work, something it has never felt ever before. It is amazing what just being tired does to a person and how quickly and easily we switch from caring about everything to caring about nothing as even that word care, sound huge. I like so many other people when they were younger, never even thought about sleep, I lived by a very old saying, that you are “long time dead”, I had eternity to rest, now was the time to be doing! I just wish that I had 1% of the energy that I had then.

Yesterday evening I was surprisingly awake and I actually felt on good form, I haven’t the slightest idea where it was coming from as although I had taken two naps, I hadn’t come close to catching up on what I lost the night before. We didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, just sat and watched TV together, Adam went to get his dinner not much before 8pm whilst I sat in the living room, it was once again his alarm that reminded me to go and get my meds, proving that being tired has nothing to do with anything when it comes to my memory. The rest of the night went on to prove it in good fashion. Some stupid show came on in which there were two groups of celebs, one of them was a character that I like from “Strictly come dancing”, Bruno Tonioli, there was a question about if he had been the choreographer for a dance that involved JCB diggers, I knew instantly that it was true, I knew I had heard that story somewhere else and I was proved right. Less than 5 minutes later I gave in and started getting ready for bed, Adam went to get a glass of coke to put in the bedroom for me, whilst I stood up, picked up the TV remote and headed over to my desk to put it down there. I was almost there, hand raised to put it on the desk when I realised just what I was doing, Adam would need that control while I was asleep, why on earth was I putting it on my desk, in fact, why had I even picked it up. In minutes I had gone from switched on trivia queen to gaga wondering idiot, but it supplied a perfect example of just how mad my mind has become. I do things like both of those over and over again in the space of a day, one moment me, the next, well I don’t know who that is. That person who puts half full plastic coke bottles in the dishwasher, can’t remember the next word to be said, or able to even add to small numbers together. The person who used to just a few months ago typed without stopping through a whole post, only having to stop because I had to correct the mess my fingers were making of hitting the right keys. I might have got lost because my concentration failed, I’d wonder off to other things on bad days, but now, well now just like when I talk, I am now also loosing words, having to stop, having to sit rereading in the hope that the rest will appear, if it doesn’t, well I remove the sentence and replace it with something else, often knowing that I had changed the context but unable to retrieve it, occasionally whole paragraphs have to go.

It used to really scare me the idea that I could lose myself, that I might not be here and I know I have written a lot about it lately because I have realised just what a danger it hold to my health in the future, but now I am strangely at peace with it. I don’t know what changed or exactly when, but somewhere in the last week, it has changed. Maybe as I have said before, just writing, putting it all down here has allowed me to work through it, maybe that is what has happened. Maybe a new lesion has appeared and has cut the fear out for me, I don’t know, I can’t see what has changed it, but it has changed. There is a strange peace, only uneasy because I am want to understand it, but there is a peace and I am sat here strangely at ease, unworried and in acceptance, it has taken a step forward and I can now step forward with it. As long as I can laugh as I next find myself digging around in the kitchen bin looking for the spoon I just throw in there, as long as I can see the funny side, well it will hold within that peace. Who knows, I might even enjoy being the dotty lunatic, it’s a role I haven’t ever played before and they say change is good, well lets see.

Adam is doing over time this morning, so he won’t be home again until about 1pm, as always he left the house apologising that he had accepted it, even though we need the extra money, but he always sees it as abandoning me, when the truth is if he was here, he would have slept through all those hours. Sometimes I just love his logic.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 20/09/12 – I’ve hurt my back

At this second I am sitting here with a hot water bottle at the base of my spin, all I did was cross my legs and sudden pain!! Pain that isn’t gong away so I guess I somehow pulled a muscle. In many ways, it doesn’t surprise me as I thought things like this would have happened a long time ago as I thought that…..

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