For you Jasmine

I woke today with the alarm and the wonderful feeling of an aching belly. The first dose of laxatives failed, so I had to repeat it last night, I still haven’t been to the loo, but I don’t think I have that much longer to wait. It’s odd how pain at times can be welcome, you would think pain would never be welcomed by anyone, but trust me it has put a spring, not so much in my step, but at least in my mind.

Oddly as it is Wednesday I am waiting for my shopping to arrive, there were problems on the ASDA site the other day, problems that actually had me in a state of panic, to begin with and found me on the phone to ASDA to check if it were true. Everything seemed fine until I went to the checkout when suddenly it told me that they no longer delivered to my address, instead of taking it in my stride, I panicked, I was running through in my head what I was going to do now, how I was going to afford the more expensive other options and how long it was going to take me to not only find what I wanted on a different site but if I could actually even buy the same things. So I phoned to be told to my relief on my second call that it was a site error they were fixing, the first call just made things worse as I had this patronising voice trying to tell me not just but how to remove cookies and wasn’t listening to me when I said I knew perfectly well what I was doing. It seems to be the attitude of all these companies now, that the consumer is thick and doesn’t understand how to use a PC. I have always got angry at that attitude, I accept it slightly when I am speaking to someone like Dell, but ASDA, I don’t think so, actually even Dell didn’t get close to using that tone with me. It actually surprises me that despite having forgotten how to function as a human, I still hold on to a huge amount of info about my beloved PC, show me a tablet or a smartphone and I doubt I would know what to do. Actually, I proved that last night as Adam was in the kitchen doing his weights and had left his mobile through here so that the alarm would sound at 8pm to remind me about my meds. Well when it sounded I did what I thought was right, touch the “X” on the screen, nothing, so I tapped it, nothing, I tried both again, but it just kept chiming at me and I had to take it to Adam who showed me just how simple it was, touch and drag, sorry but that isn’t logical. Give me a PC any day, nothing I have seen can compete with what I have used for the past 7 years, it was well over spec when I bought it and thanks to the knowledge I have, I have kept it bang up to date and it hasn’t lost any speed or efficiency at all, so well worth what I spent on it, it’s my friend now. I know that might sound really odd but after Adam and Teressa, this is the next on my list of priorities and those I love, I couldn’t live without it for far too many reasons.

I often say on twitter that chronic illness changes everything about your life, I have tried throughout all that I write to show not just the problems of living with all the different illnesses I have, but to also show the brighter moments and events, but it isn’t just the things that happen in your life that changes, values, needs and desires and beliefs all change as well. I can’t think of a single thing that my health hasn’t affected, but all those things change throughout life for anyone, what I believe is different is the strength of all those changed feelings. I don’t think that I was ever a person who had strong beliefs, not ones strong enough to stand up for, I could never have been a revolutionary, or even a protester, I was content in my life as it was and all those things others saw as major, well they had a right to feel that way and I also had a right to not be part of any of it. I guess I was just like the majority of people content to just get on with things as they were, where I differed was, I never complained about anything. What governments did they did, even if it directly made my life harder, well I said nothing to no one and I just got on with it. In the last few years I have found that I actually do have deep and strong feelings about some things, they aren’t new, they are just grown and grown, all because of my health.

Yesterday I was left a comment from Jasmine, other than what she wrote, that’s all I know about her, her name. I don’t need to know what condition she has, or how long she has been ill, as what she said was enough. She quoted the last line of yesterday’s post and then she wrote: –

“This is my reality completely, but it’s not just a feeling, it’s knowing, and I have nobody or nothing to live for or that loves me. All I want to do is die, and I will, soon. Somehow I will get what I need and put myself out of my misery.

My life is HELL, and I spend it 24/7 in bed, crying for everything and everybody I have loved and lost, knowing that I am permanently disabled, will never again have another pet, my own home, winter clothes, friends, or be able to feel happy for even a moment.

I cannot relate to the person whom I once was; I wish I never was that person because I wouldn’t miss being her so damn much now.

People who say that suicide is never the answer are WRONG. They live in a glass house. NOBODY should have to live in misery until they die a natural death. I don’t deserve that, and I believe in the right to die.”

Jasmine I totally relate to you, I haven’t reached the point you find yourself at and I am not going to do what I know you will already have heard from far too many people, that things will get better and all that rubbish, I won’t pat your hand and tell you to keep your chin up as I walk away to get on with my life, as I have heard it all too. You expressed so clearly what I know is ahead of me and so many others. I too believe in the right to die and I have said so many times through my writing, what I hate is the position that we are forced into, finding a way that might not work and might just make things all that much worse. It is a fact that in countries where it is legal, the majority of people who ask for the drugs, don’t ever take them. What they do though is give us options and the security of knowing that when we really have taken things to the end, that we can choose, that we have right there the route to ending it. None of us deserve to be at that point, none of us should be forced to go through what is unbearable and only each one of us as individuals, know when that point is. Many who have asked for the drug have said that just knowing they were in control, was enough to make things better, their minds were at rest and life got better.

I wish I could Jasmine give you just a tiny bit of the hope and the happiness that I still find in life, that I could get you out of that bed, even if it was just to sit in a chair and see life from a different angle. I wish I could inspire you to hold on, to find in yourself just a little strength, you proved to me that you too can express what is happening to you, well I see in that alone a purpose, so use it. You clearly have read what I write, well others could read what you write, I for one would. I write because I feel the issues of those who are chronically ill have been hidden for too long and I intend to write about it to the end. I’m one voice, the more that put into words how we live, what has and is happening to us, the more it is heard by others, the bigger the chance that things will change and you, me and everyone else has of having the right options for us, not those that others think is right because they haven’t a clue about the reality. We are that reality and we all need to be heard, today, tomorrow and always. I can’t make your life better, only you can and when the time comes, be it your way or not, for both of us and all the others out there, that it comes easily and peacefully. For now, we live one day at a time, let today be a good one

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 17/09/12 – Arrangements 

I am a lot brighter today, as I thought it was just one of those days and there was no escaping it, I just had to get through it. Days like that happen to all of us, and I am lucky that they really don’t happen that often. I am not sure how or why but I really do get less of them now than I used to, some might……

4 thoughts on “For you Jasmine

  1. My only comment to you today is about the pc/smartphone thing If Adams phone is an Iphone then its a lot different than your pc which I assume is a Dell I have a smartphone that I call not so smart but I used to use windows or reg pc never mac or apple products Only Microsoft There iS ABig difference Idc what anyone says You do so well with your pc I’m sure you’d master a smartphone too lets hope u don’t have to I don’t have a cpu now so smartphone is my only option.Keep up the blog please I enjoy reading thanks PKK

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  2. I didn’t expect a response. That’s very kind of you to take the time. Things are worse than ever today. My doctors have turned against me. I know that sounds paranoid, but it’s true. I have another horrible bladder infection, or, I should say, the same one. And, after the culture came back today, the wanker prescribed me the exact same pills that made me sick for an entire week, and not only didn’t cure the infection, it got worse.

    I sent him a message through the system and left a message for his nurse who he had call me to tell me about the prescription. I wish I had just casually asked him why he would prescribe medication that was proven totally ineffective, when I went for a follow-up UA after I finished the pills, only to actually have symptom and my WBC count was drastically increased.

    But, instead, I ridiculed him, as he deserved, asked him what the bacteria was, and told him that some old antibiotics which are usually resistant to my infections were actually improving it.

    I told him that he obviously didn’t bother to look at my medical record or he was just apathetic, and wanting to cause me more pain.

    He knows how much I suffer. He never responded, nor did he fill my prescription, one last time, for my muscle relaxants, a I quit taking pain pills. He only gave me a minimal dose of my anti-anxiety meds which I have been on for 5 years, and this class of drugs is known to built a tolerance very quickly. I tried to OD on 160mgs of these 6mg pills a day, and I woke up bright and early the next morning. That was 4 years ago.

    I haven’t been able to leave my bedroom, much less the room I rent for a week, and I had to ask the only person who cares about me to pick them up.

    My TL is filled with tweets of abused and massacred animals, as well as war, and the ugly world in which we live.

    My PTSD and chronic insomnia, along with this infection and numerous other issues, has caused me extreme sleep deprivation and the ability to take 2 or 3 bites of food a day.

    My psychiatrist dumped me for being to sick to make the appt. I called in advance, and the nurse said she would probably be able to get me in earlier. Well, she finally called back to tell me that if I didn’t come yesterday, that the doctor would not be seeing me again. It was not even in time to make the appointment, and he, too, (friends with the other doctor) has deserted me because I was violently ill.

    My doctors even hope I die, or are completely indifferent to me.

    I don’t know why my life is ending this way. I gave so much when I had it. I saved people from losing their homes, made huge loans and never cared if I was paid back, but as soon as many tragedies struck, I was completely shunned and treated like dirt.

    I have extensively studied the most effective and painless ways to die, and it can’t be soon enough for me..

    The sound of dog barking and cats meowing outside make me hurt so badly, because my life revolved around my pets, and I will never be able to have one again.

    The days are never ending, and each one is worse than the next. I will do whatever it takes to die, and, at this point, I don’t even care that my death could be painful. My tolerance for pain is zero, but the mental anguish and hopelessness that is a fact, is too much to live with anymore.

    I need an operation, and, of course I won’t have one, and it won’t do anything to improve my life. I have nobody to care for me during recovery, and it i completely pointless.

    There is no such thing as Karma, and I find it so insulting when people even mention that Karma will take care of some person who did something horrible.

    If Karma was real, my life would be beautiful, as I have rescued so many people and animals through out the good times. I have hurt people, but never with intention, and I live with incredible guilt.

    NOBODY understands what my life is like, and I’m so damned tired of people telling me that it will only get better from here.

    I am angry and hurt, and mad at myself and the world.

    I MUST DIE ASAP, and I will do whatever it takes. It is NOBODY’S business what I do with my body. I am not a child, have seeked all all possible treatment, but no treatment can change reality or make me feel OK with living in a bedroom, with no friends or family or anybody that understands through the social media.

    I have taken a bunch of pills to try to knock myself out for awhile, at least, so I will end this now.

    I would give anything, not that I have anything, to not wake up to another day of crying, and to just become atoms, as thank goodness being dead is forever. I have NO fear of death, because there is no heaven or hell, only that which can be compared to our state of living.

    I have cursed everybody that has ever sent the police to tell me that I cannot do with my body as I please, and instead lock me up, after handcuffing me and humiliating me, only to talk my way out a week later, and have to start planning again.

    RELIGION is poison, and if people would take the time to read the buy-bull, they would see that their man-made god (and there are only 3,000 that can be named) is a cruel, psychopathic monster who people kill in the name of every single day.

    Excuse me for my rant or if I have offended you in any way. And, I apologize for using your blog to express my feelings, but there is nowhere else to turn.

    I promise you will never hear from me again. I wish you the best, and bid you farewell. (not proofread, as the drugs are blurring my vision. Take care.

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  3. It’s good to hear from you Jasmine, I too spent years fighting the medical system, there isn’t a win point, but there is a point when it changed and that was when I took it into my own hands and I worked with them rather than against them. It’s so hard to do at first as it goes against everything that I felt, but it changed everything. I got my diagnosis, not just one but a series of them and as they say the rest is history. I don’t know how much of my story you have read but everything is here and all of it is written from my heart as it’s the only way I know how to write.

    You say you have no where else to turn, but that isn’t true, there is a world full of people out there all willing and ready to help and you just have to reach out to them and welcome them in. I never realised until I opened up my thoughts and put them down in a blog that so many would read and so many would genuinely care and the same goes for the twitter community, but you have to reach out before they can show us a way to cope with life, what ever our problems. Two small steps that changed my life for ever and without them, well I know I would now be in a far worse state than I am. It is amazing what just knowing there are people out there who care can make such a difference and it doesn’t matter if they are in the next street or a thousand miles away. They change my life and I believe they could change yours too, but you have to take the next step. The first was contacting me, you stretched out a hand and it was grasped, trust me there are many more hands waiting to hold it as well, but you have to take the next step and reach out further.

    I am restricted by my health in what I can do for anyone, but I am here, but you need so much more than just me. The end will come for all of us and as I said yesterday, if that is your choice, I respect that but I don’t think you are truly ready for that step. I hear in your words a person with so much to say and so much more life to give and live, don’t throw that away until there isn’t any other option. Rest and think, then is the time to start reaching out further, I know I will not be the only one there for you. I can’t promise you that all you have lost can be restored, but there is so much that can replace it.

    Take care

    Pam (((((Hugs)))))

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