Just a thought or maybe not

The prescription arrived and if I am right, it isn’t a minute too soon. So far I have only taken three tablets, ones the size that would normally be given to a horse and somehow manage to taste disgusting even through they don’t stop in my mouth for half a second longer than they have to. On the good side the biggest ‘thing’ is reducing, but it has been leaking a lot, on the bad side, last night I found that one of the tiny lumps I mentioned the other day is growing and stinging, which is just how the other two started, hopefully the drugs will knock it out before it grows any more. I know that drugs companies don’t make there drugs either unpalatable or bigger than they have to, but I really look forward to the Star Trek days when all drugs are shot through your skin painlessly. I have this dream that you would simply collect from the chemist capsule that hold all the drugs you need for the each dose of everything in one shot, I wouldn’t care how many times a day I had to simply load and fire, as that way you can’t choke, taste or my favourite, drop on them floor where I can’t even see them. I know that is a fantasy thing but they system already exists for some vaccinations.

I don’t know if it is me, a bug or the ‘things’ but something has been pulling me down over the past few days, I keep having spells where I feel terrible. Not very descriptive I know, but I simply feel like I want to curl up and disappear. They don’t last long maybe 15 to 20 minutes, but they are bad enough that I went through the first half of Eastenders on Thursday with my eyes shut. I was feeling somewhat dizzy and nauseous, having my eyes shut was the only thing that seemed to make a difference. I have had loads of milder ones over the last few days and last night I did give up, I struggled to just go to the loo before heading into the bedroom much earlier than normal, if it hadn’t been for the TV I would have been there even earlier. The rest of the time, I am just tired and a bit off, nothing that I can put my finger on. Over the last couple of months I know I have written about spells like this several times, I still think that my stomach has something to do with it, other wise why would I be feeling sick, it is going into spasm so much these days that I can’t be sure if the two things go together or if it is just a coincident. Sometimes I would say yes without a seconds thought, but on others I don’t think there is any connection at all. Despite all the things that I have wrong with me, there is still nothing more miserable than feeling like you want to be sick, then sitting there constantly waiting to see what might or might not happen next.

I seem to be back to drifting through my days, another thing that I have been through too many times, but it never gets easier to deal with. I know that many people would say “does it really matter, after all your not working”. Well yes that is true, but loosing hour after hour and ultimately possible days, well it is important. I hate the idea that I can even mentally accept a few minutes of just sitting staring into space with my mind god knows where, as I don’t even seem to have thoughts. To be honest that is the bit that worries me, I don’t remember ever in my life my brain not talking to me, even if it is like now it is placing the words as I write them, my brain never shuts up, as much as I wish it would at times, especially when I want to sleep, it doesn’t. So how come it has learnt, or is being taught to do nothing, to be silent and to have nothing to even say about the fact I am doing nothing. I always thought that it was impossible to think of nothing, as to date if I try to bloke out thought, somewhere a little voice will chip in and destroy it. In fact it is still impossible for me to do it when I try, which actually makes it all the more concerning, as clearly I don’t have concious control over it. It isn’t like I drift off for hours at a time, but yes for several minutes and those groups of minutes over a day add up. It’s hard to suddenly realise that something that should have taken about half an hour has take over an hour, simply because I have been drifting and doing nothing.

I have know for a long time now that I can without any problem lie in bed awake for at least 2 hours, just lying there in the dark. That alone is not normal for me, I am the sort of person who can’t even have a lie in, in fact I can’t remember ever in my life until the last few years being able to stay in bed for more than minute awake. Put the two things together and now you might see what it is I am worried about, is this a glimpse of my future? To be honest when I saw people sitting like that looking as though they had nothing happening in their heads, I thought they just looked that way, now I can’t help wondering if that is actually the truth of it, they are just sat there existing as a body, without any mind activity unless poked into action by someone or something else. It’s an odd concept and not one I personally have put a lot of thought into, I like many fear the idea of being trapped inside a body that doesn’t function, were my mind is as active as ever, but no one can see that, that is my worst nightmare. The idea though that I might be sat there, but mentally nowhere at all, well it just sounds like a pointless waste of space, but if you are unaware of it, would it really matter?

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 12/09/12 – Another condition to add to the list > http://bit.ly/SKsoW0

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