It happened again last night, just before 8pm I suddenly started to feel really ill and again I pushed it and sat there until 9pm. Once again I began to start feeling nauseous, not that I believed that I was actually going to throw up, but I wasn’t that far from it. Feeling that dizzy and that not with it is rare, in fact, it hasn’t happened that badly now for several years, my early nights, naps and loss of the stress of going out into the world daily, took it all away. I used to feel like that a lot, actually close to daily, but always worse when I had been to the office. When things started to get really bad, I only went into the office twice a week and worked from home the rest of the time, I nearly always felt really ill and unable to do anything other than work and sleep on the days I went to work. When I became housebound and had to work from home all of the time, there was a dramatic change in the first couple of months, not only did I not find myself fighting to stay awake, I also stopped feeling physically sick and I slowly found that the feeding tube I had lived with for three years, wasn’t needed. I hadn’t been able to eat for a several reasons, but feeling nauseous all the time was a big part of it, no one can eat when you feel like that. Right up to today I have never been able to eat as I once did, food is a constant issue for me, I still get pieces stuck at times, it is as though part of my throat just clamps and holds it there. I can’t cough it up or push it down, it’s stuck until it is ready to let go, I have frequently found a piece of food I thought gone reappearing undamaged back in my mouth. Then, of course, there is the choking, quite a different thing, breathing food or liquid in, isn’t the best thing to do. Those aside, well I haven’t been able to really eat a proper meal since, yes on the odd occasion, but normally either I start to feel ill or I just can’t eat anymore, I’m full and uncomfortably far sooner than most people would be, but last night was worse than any I remember since I became housebound.

If you wondered yesterday why I was trying so hard to find another reason for the way I felt, well there it is. I would far rather that the ‘things’ were behind it than for it to be me heading back in time to that whole circus of not being able to eat. I tried everything I could think of, things I found online, that others suggested and everything that the doctors thought up. None of the so-called cures or helping systems worked, what worked was when my body decided to stop everything and force me to rest. Resting more right now would be really hard as I don’t do much anyway, I know that pulling back on what I was doing a couple of weeks ago made me feel more like myself, but I am still using the system I came up with then that gives me between an hour and an hour and a half of free time each day now, I am still resting if you like, more than I have ever done. So what made me feel that bad last night, I have no idea. I also noticed that I was getting a lot more tiny spasms, the none painful type, when I feel the muscle tightening but not fully clamping down, just flexing if you like. I was aware last night of my stomach tightening in just the same way like it was being gently squeezed, something that isn’t uncommon, but it was constantly doing it yesterday. Not enough to be a wrench, just a very gentle tightening, it has happened before frequently, but I noticed it several times during the day yesterday and I have felt it over the last few day occasionally. When I went to the kitchen to get my med, I was on my perching stool and I leaned forwards to get my drugs out of the drawer and there it was, the start of feeling sick, no reflux or anything, just sudden awareness of feeling sick, really sick, that lasted the rest of the evening.

It may sound odd to many of you who know what I live with now, but the thought of having to go through all of that again, is actually my greatest fear, I fear it more than anything else I can think of. I may not be the greatest lover of food, you could safely leave me in a room filled with the best foods in the world and only a nibble would be gone from here or there, I love testing new flavours, but I do know that my body has to have it and that I can’t live without it. The thought of having to once again have a tube down my nose and my food delivered drip by drip into my stomach, as I couldn’t even cope with the standard flow as I felt sick, is to me like living in a part of hell that I don’t want to see ever again. I know I have had only two bad days, which is nothing but both of them put me right back there, right back at the start, with nothing more I can do, but hope.

On the good side, the ‘things’ are looking a lot better this morning, as though they are actually starting to heal. They were both oozing all day yesterday, but I didn’t find a build up of gunk this morning and they both had a fine scab on the surface, I will keep an eye on them both for the next couple of day, but I think they are past the worst. I can’t believe how exactly to the three week time spot it is from the day I found them, to the point they look healed, I still feel totally lost as to why they suddenly appeared considering I have never had one before, that is still the one thing that doesn’t fit the profile of a canker.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 04/09/12 – Doing the knowledge

There are always loads of things to think about in life and I have been told often that I “think too much”, a phrase I have never really been able to understand. To me, if you don’t question everything then you don’t have a chance of understanding anything. I am inclined to believe that “knowledge is king”, it’s OK I’m not trying to put in as many quotes as I can into one paragraph, they are……..