I have a new hole in the roof of my mouth, the scab left painfully and suddenly when I was eating my lunch yesterday. It felt so big that I have to get a mirror and take a look and I was shocked, it is about the size of 5 pence piece and slightly deeper, I am sure it will in time fill in, but whatever is happening in my mouth just now, it sure knows how to leave its mark. In my entire life, I can only remember having a couple of mouth ulcers, tiny little painful things and both were on the tip of my tongue, the perfect place to remind you every few seconds that they are there. I checked again online yesterday and still no luck in finding exactly what it is, but I did find that cankers can appear after the age of 30 in some people with compromised immune systems or with certain autoimmune conditions, not the ones I have, but it is a possibility. The fall down though is that the first one appeared on my hard palette somewhere they never appear apparently, I have decided to keep using the mouthwash and if the last one heals and disappears, I will just put it down as one of those things, but if any more appear I will give the doctor a call. For now, well I will just keep playing with the dip until it vanishes, what is it with things like that, no matter how many times you tell yourself to leave it alone, you suddenly find that once again, you are playing with it?

Regular reader will know that I have a few select TV programs that I don’t just enjoy as they are well made, but I also enjoy because the throw out there questions that all of us with health issues think about but all too often don’t talk about, just hoping that one day the opportunity will arise. We were watching “Holby City” last night, a hospital drama for those who don’t know, when one of those subjects arouse, Adam and I had spoken about this one in the past but I am sure that it is one of those subjects that pulls many families apart. The character was dying from cancer and his palliative care team had him on some really strong painkiller which made him sleep all the time and he wanted to feel more alive and able to do things other than lie around at home. One doctor was totally against changing his meds and the other just changed them, then took him out for an evening to a charity ball, although he couldn’t eat, she described the flavours, texture, and enjoyment of not just the food but the whole night, giving him more than just the role of sitting watching, but helped him feel as though he to could eat and dance. Clearly, he loved every second but at the end of the evening, he suddenly started coughing up large amounts of blood. They got him back to the hospital where he died within minutes, he died in front of the doctor who believed he should have been doped up and in bed, living as long as possible. The story on the program clearly hasn’t ended, nor will the arguments in families around the country either. Luckily both Adam and I are in agreement to a certain extent about living well for less time and living as long as you can. I say to a certain extent as we will never agree about my smoking, I put it firmly in the same camp, I love every cigarette that I have and with so little left that I can enjoy, they are important to me, to him, well he sees it as my choosing to kill myself quicker, when just stopping could mean we have more time together. It is the one thing we don’t agree on, but on everything else we totally agree, enjoyment of life is more important than longevity. I don’t have a list of things that I wish I had done, I have pretty well done all I wanted to, I don’t even have a list of places that I wish I had seen, yes place it would have been nice to have seen, but I’m not that bothered that I haven’t. Even if I did, I couldn’t now go and do anything, my health has gone too far for that, they would be the longest journeys ever, having to stop for days just for me to catch up on sleep. Despite saying all that, if I did suddenly have a huge desire to do something, well I would, even if it did cut more time of my life, I only have this one shot at it and dying sooner than later, doesn’t change the fact I totally adore both Adam and my family.

Besides the issue of quality of life and longevity, also came the one I expect just like the disagreeing doctor, those who are fit and health find hard to get their heads around. I have spoken about it often, the balance of pain control versus enjoyment of life, again the patient and I were in total agreement. I don’t want to be in pain, but when it is a choice of being alert and alive with a degree of pain we can live with, or drugged up, pain-free and unable to live for more than a few minutes each day, well to me the choice is simple. I was glad to see both these subjects appearing yesterday as I know all too well people don’t talk about things like this as it is too painful to even consider, but just like the show, I have come across medics who believe that the only option is high pain control, lying in bed and staying alive for every last second possible. I have lost count the number of Sargent Major type doctors I have come across who bark out orders and tell us that they know what is best, do they? Is it really for the best that a dying patient is revived over and over again, so they can lie there a little longer surrounded by family, but in a body that just wants to give up? Life is about living and just because you can still take a breath and your heart can take another beat, each time the doctors intervene doesn’t mean that they should. All of us should think about how we would feel in the patient position and then make our feeling both known to our family and our doctors, whether we are ill or not and those who are ill as I am, well we should all have a plan for good living as that should cover it all.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 25/08/12 – Two Me’s

Well, the letter I have been waiting for from the hospital has arrived!! I could hardly believe it the appointment is for this coming Friday but, oh yes, of course, there is but, that haven’t mentioned anything about the transport that I need to get there, so I have been trying to phone all morning and the number…..