What am I missing?

I frittered yesterday away, I honestly don’t know where it went or what I did, but it went, all of a sudden it was 7pm and I was still sat here playing a game. In some ways that is really great, I haven’t lost a day doing nothing for a really long time, possibly as long as 5 years ago, may be even longer. On the other hand loosing a total day doing nothing isn’t a good thing, it means I lost all of my routine and I do mean all of it, the result, despite sleeping more than usual, I am more tired today than I was yesterday. I can’t let myself do that again today or I am just going to make things worse before I even get better. I may not be doing my full list of daily tasks, but there are some I have to hold to closely, like my energy saving plans and time set activities, if they slip well I know what will happen. I also stayed up just a bit longer than I should have last night, but I had a really important and good reason for it, the new season of “Dr Who” which went on after 9pm, but that was a one off, a really good one off.

It doesn’t matter what those one off’s in life are, they are probably one of the hardest things to work around, I may be ill but I am still human. Yes, I could have recorded the show and watched it today, but sorry that still isn’t the same as knowing that you are watching an event that millions of others world wide are also watching, all of us forming out opinions, our likes and dislikes. If I had recorded it, well yes I would still have been doing those things, but I would have been the last to do so, or that is how it would feel. One off’s, like social events or family gatherings are actually an MS or Fibro suffers nightmare, you might know 100% that you are not up to just going to such an event, but also you are not up to all the things that go along with getting ready and even getting there. Knowing isn’t enough, as like everyone else invited, you want to be part of it, to see and enjoy all of it and to be there having fun, something else that your health has destroyed. Even in the earlier phases, long before I was housebound, when I was still capable of actually joining in with the world, I still knew that I was unlikely to be able to stay to the end of anything, exhaustion would take over and I would have to go home early. Even then I also knew that I would have a pay off, of several days of just not being up to par, a bit more tired, a bit less able to do anything. I have been invited and missed more evenings out, weddings and parties than I think I have ever attended, just because of my health. It doesn’t matter how many times you explain these things to people with normal health, they just don’t seem to be able to grasp that to them it is one late evening, or one day out, where as to me it was 3 days to 2 weeks of being destroyed in a thousand ways.

I had in my head the other day a plan that said that by this morning I was going to be feeling more like myself, to the point that I could quietly start working on some of the bits and pieces that would mean that Monday morning I would be back at full strength on Twitter, putting out all of that I have done now for months. At this second, well I don’t know if I am going to make it, I am quite definitely not up to doing any prep work, in truth I would say that I have gone back a day, rather than forward at all. It is so hard to know what to do for the best, should I just push myself back into it on Monday, or should I just put up my hands and admit, I am still not ready. Just like those one off occasions, I want to get back into the swing, but I’m not sure if I can just yet. Yesterday when I was writing my post it flowed out of me just as it always does on a good day, but today it is once again totally stop start, I have lost count how many times I have found myself doing nothing, hands on the keyboard not moving and staring at the screen with a mind who knows where, not a great sign if I am honest. Everything hurt, everything just wants me to do nothing and that includes a mind that just doesn’t even seem to know how to think.

I have one question that keeps running round and round in my head, how did I land up in this mess? Yes I know all that I have already said about to many stressful events all to close together, but I have this feeling that there is something else, something that I am missing and I just can’t find it. I have never crashed like this before, yes I have had the odd few days, that goes with those one off’s, yes I took a dip after Teressa and John went home, but I had recovered totally before the interview and the fridge arriving. I had then had Sunday and Monday to recover before the shopping arriving on Tuesday morning, I admit I wasn’t perfect, but through all of it I didn’t feel as thought I was pushing myself beyond the level I would normally in those situations, so what triggered me to crash at 4:30 pm last Tuesday? I know I said that it was all my own fault, but the more I think about it, the more I read back what I wrote about it on the actual days and the following one, it doesn’t fully add up. Something else is at play here and I can’t find it, I just know it is there.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 24/08/12 – Remove or Keep? > http://bit.ly/P6TwMM

2 thoughts on “What am I missing?

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