Yesterdays was a perfect example of how things go wrong in just a few hours, it all started well, no problems at all other than the every day ones, but it didn’t last past 11am. It simply spiralled out of control, from one everyday thing, the shopping arrived. I had just finished writing yesterdays post but I hadn’t completed by clicking save, when the doorbell rang and to my joy it was a friendly voice of one of the delivery guys who has been here several times, no complaining about how much shopping or the stairs or the fact I wanted to send one of the substitutes back, it was perfect. The problem was me, I had it in my head that I was going to put most of it away before Adam came home, plus I spotted a silly little thing that I wanted to fix in the kitchen, Adam had washed a few glass containers that sit on top of the fridge, but one is a bottle and there was condensation still inside after 3 days, until it was cleared it was going to lie around looking messy. The bottle has a small metal tap at the base, so putting it in a warm oven would be risky, I decided against it, but I knew I had to heat the bottle somehow, strangely my brain had the answer quickly, to heat and wrap the bottle in my micro wave heat pads. Already having been on my feet, well mainly sat on my perching stool, for a few minutes, I started wondering around sorting out the bottle and putting the shopping away, alarm bells should have rung, but I just kept going, determined to sort things out. 3 bags down and the bottle wrapped I came back here for half an hour then back to the kitchen, bottle recharged with a freshly warmed pad and another 3 more bags away, back here. I didn’t get up again, I couldn’t, I was both in pain and felt dead from my activity, what possessed me to do all that I haven’t the slightest idea, but I couldn’t even manage to keep up on here with what still had to be done. I had used all of my daily energy allowance and the rest of the day was going to be run on fumes alone.
The problem really was that I couldn’t see that if I just went to bed, slept for 2 hours and returned, I would have been fine and everything would have been completed without an issue, but I couldn’t see that, all I could see was that I was behind and I had to catch up. All I did was produce error after error that had to be fixed, I did got to bed for half an hour but I just lay there with the list of things I had to do running round and round in my head and of course the realisation of some other things I would have to redo. If I had used my ‘you know what will happen’ brain and just put away the shopping that needed to go in the fridge or the freezer and then straight away gone and lain down for half an hour, none of this would have happened, but I didn’t I used ‘the pigheaded I can do this’ brain and I was going to keep paying for it. I kept trying to rush, to catch up with my normal routine and all the while I was failing, it wasn’t helped by the fact I had three extra’s to my day still waiting to be done and the time needed just didn’t exist, but one was sat on my desk looking at me, a form that I needed to complete, I needed to set up some quotes for the new quote site that is about to be launched and the other was my shower. I eventually threw the whole day out and just stopped, what was done was done and what wasn’t, well I clearly wasn’t going to manage so it would just have to stay that way. It was half past five and I felt terrible, in fact I felt so tired that I started to feel sick and to break out in a cold sweat, I was in total exhaustion and there was nothing I could do about it.
I have no idea what is wrong with me just now, I seem to be determined to push myself past my own limits. It feels as though I have jumped backwards, that I have learned absolutely nothing from the last few years and that pushing myself is going to actually achieve something new, well it doesn’t it achieves just what it always does, me in a mess feeling terrible. To be pushing myself to the point where I want to throw up is quite simply ridicules and I can’t find the slightest amount of logic that explains it, but I did it! I was wound up, totally stressed and not able to see away out, other than to keep pushing on. Even when Adam came home I was totally unsociable and wanting to explode, I didn’t in fact I held it together reasonably well, until it came to bed time. I headed to the loo, where I shut the curtain, expecting Adam to be closing the others, especially as it has been so gold and we had even put the fire on in the morning and discussed how cold it had become. When I came out of the bathroom, not only were all the curtains still open, the blinds in the living room which had been shut when I went to the bathroom, were wide open. I lost it and for the first time ever, I didn’t say goodnight or that I loved him, I shut the bedroom door and went to bed crying, but so tired that despite of all that, I slept in minutes.
Exhaustion is irrational on every level. 13 hours sleep later and I still feel like I could burst into tears for no reason, ‘honesty’ I have already, just because I had to stand up to get the TV control because I forgot to. I have known for a long time that when I am exhausted I loose control of my emotions, something to do with the damage to my brain, but knowing that doesn’t stop it happening. These days it is happening more and more and at a lower levels, before I even reach exhaustion, when I am just tired. These last few weeks I have pushed myself and pushed myself hard and I am not coping with it at all. My pain levels are raised, my emotions are all over the place and the slightest thing, even a form to fill in, feels like I am being asked to climb a mountain. Short of cutting myself off and returning to bed and not leaving it until I feel I will explode if I don’t, I don’t know what to do that, stopping isn’t the answer, I know that as I have been here before, it stuck with me for over a month and I don’t want to feel this way for a day longer far less a month.
Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 20/08/12 – Chronic illness breeds Chronic illness > http://bit.ly/Osgcny