Too much

I hate the day before anything, be it Christmas, visits or interview, the day before is the day you wish just wasn’t there. Last night Adam was once again concerned about the whole thing, he thinks it is great that I have been asked to the interview as it shows that all I have written here is having an impact but he worries about the length of time, an hour sitting talking is a long time for me, especially on my own. Adam and I are like a double act now, he is there ready to take over in the conversation, even those on the phone when he just shouts some comment, he creates the time I need to sort myself out, stop stuttering or find the word I was looking for. That was why he took the week off when Teressa and John were here, we didn’t know which days they were going to spend here as we aren’t the only people comes to Scotland to see, so without saying anything he booked the week off, then told me. He knows better than anyone just how suddenly things can change for me, how I can suddenly become so tired that I can’t manage another second of anything, just as I did last night. I had selected a TV program that would fill the last half hour before my bedtime, 5 minutes in, I couldn’t manage another second, I had to stop everything and sleep. One minute fine the next gone. I have dealt with low-level situations, those with medics here in the house by myself but other than that, well I don’t think I spend time with anyone on my own without my safety net.

I know that couples are supposed to care for each other, to be there when things are tough and to care for them, but either every relationship I have been in in my entire life, was spent with a complete bastard, which I knew somewhere, or I am now the luckiest person alive, as I have someone who is more than a partner, he is actually grown to be part of me. I am not trying to be slushy, just honest, but I don’t know how I would be facing my future if I didn’t have him there with me. I don’t write about the future much, because in many ways it doesn’t belong here, well not until it arrives, but right now it is running around in my mind and I feel so caught in a place where I don’t know which way to go next or how to really do it. I guess it has been triggered by both the quote site wanting my help and of course the COPD site, they have both given me a confirmation that I am making a difference, people are noticing me and my work. Ironically it is happening when my health is going downwards. I have this dream of building on it all, putting together more things to help others and possibly even earn myself a few pennies by restoring an old dream of forming an ebook out of everything I have written. The problem is that the more I think about it, the more I know that I am past the energy point of being able to actually pull it all off. I have tried to look into bringing my dreams and my reality together, but I can’t even find the energy to do all the background work, not even to read through and work out what I would have to learn to make it real. If I can’t even read a few pages of information, how could I ever expect to pull off the work that they instruct you to do. A few years ago I would have just done it, I wouldn’t have given it a seconds thought, I would have just got on with it. That is the thing about the future, we all think we have one, even now I still think I have one, but at the same time, I know that I don’t. I have never been a person to just say sorry I can’t and I never thought that I would ever reach a point where the person I am saying it to is myself.

Somewhere in the last few months, maybe even in the last year or so, things have changed and accepting that is hard when you have an ego that constantly tells you, you can do anything, just get on with it. How do you get on with something that you simply don’t even have the energy to make even the first move. Adam is worried about me getting through an hour long interview, well he isn’t the only one, I am too. If I am totally honest that is why I hesitated for a couple of days, I wasn’t questioning is it the right thing to do, I was questioning can I actually do this at all. If I ever went looking for it, which I didn’t, it showed itself to me in that single thought, I would never in the past have even considered such a thought. The future, the thing that is meant to be glittering and bright, filled with energy and excitement, dreams that might not come off the way we dreamt them, but our imagination just set off on something else we could do. All of that is gone. My future, still filled with dreams but not glittering ones any longer, more down to earth and simpler, because I know all too well what my future really is, but that doesn’t make it any easier to let go of the glitter I once had.

Read my blog from 2 years ago today – 14/08/12 – Three groups to look at 

Change, probably the hardest word in the world. Just the word is enough to send some people into a flap and believing that there is no way they can do it. As an Operations Manger managing change was part of my job, I saw many who struggled with the smallest change in their otherwise maintained position, people who would be almost in tears as they were informed that something…..

3 thoughts on “Too much

  1. I am sure it will go well tomorrow. If the interviewers know anything about your condition, then they will know to make allowances and perhaps give you a short break during the hour. Let us all know where we can find your interview once it is complete. Xxx

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  2. I do not think that the way you come across is slushy. It’s encouraging to know that the dreams are still alive (minus the shine???) Dreams keep us healthy. Thank you, Pamela, for the inspiration. (((Hugs)))

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