Yesterday I made a discovery, one I have been searching for over 2 years now, what is causing the bruising around my ribs. I had searched and searched online looking for something that matched in any way at all, every search I made I had always put in what I thought where the required facts, bruising, ribs, MS or COPD, but nothing. Yesterday thanks to something I found elsewhere, I suddenly clicked that I might be searching the wrong words and what I needed to do was search in a more medical way. I typed in “spastic muscle bruising”, of course, initially, I got a lot of stuff about strokes, then tests and so it went on, each one I excluded from my search until it was narrowed down to what finally started to bring up what I was looking for. After reading through about five or six medical papers, something I am getting used to but boy are they boring, I found what I was looking for, the proof that my gut feeling was right. The spasms in my rib cage are so severe that the muscles are actually ripping themselves to pieces and bleeding, which is causing the bruises all over my chest. As they never get time to really heal, they just keep tearing, topping up the bruise with another couple of drops of blood, so the bruise never goes away.

I guess if I said that I have had a smile inside ever since I read that article, you might think I had totally lost it this time, but I am being honest, I feel so much better knowing. I had thought this was the reason right back when they first appeared, I knew that it was impossible for me to be hurting myself without knowing because they were in this perfect line following the line of my diaphragm where it attaches to the outside of my body. No one could possible hurt themselves in that way and the idea that I was somehow repeatedly hitting the same points in a perfect line, well impossible isn’t a strong enough word. When I discovered new bruises on the line of my second hug and the large cluster underneath my breast, where my breast is in the way of me being able to do damage at any time, well I was 99% convinced, but I needed confirmation, well now I have it. It is no wonder that I find these spasm painful and that the almost constant cramp that makes sitting or lying uncomfortable drives me mad, I think it would drive anyone round the bend. For my muscles to be actually cramped so badly that they are pulling their footings to my ribs away, paints a picture that I think anyone would understand is painful and I feel more justified in needing higher levels of morphine to deal with. It also makes the picture of why I find it hard to breathe once they tighten, much clearer and on that I doubt many will not be able to paint in their own minds, it’s amazing the difference that it makes with a mental picture to compare it to. I can only guess how my ribs will eventually look, as it does seem to be spreading upwards, as yet there are no bruises on the third hug line, above my breast and in line with the top of my armpits.

It is amazing how just reading something that confirms what is happening to you, isn’t just you, but recognised elsewhere as a fact. I freely admit that it had entered that field where I thought that once again I was living with something that no one knew what was causing it. Believe me, after spending so many years of not being believed what we now know was my MS even existed, leaves a scare all of its own and I didn’t like the fact that it to was feeling bruised and battered. It is a constant fear of mine now, I honestly thought that I had entered that area when they failed first time round to find out what the pain around my lower ribs was, not helped by the fact they thought it was coming from my stomach and guts. My diagnosis with COPD although horrific, was in a funny way a relief, it had a name and they knew exactly what was causing it, the bruising just confirms how badly my MS is involved and how easily if it were to take over all my intercostal muscles, plus the muscles that connect my ribs to my breast bone, which I know have been locked up a couple of time already, I could find myself unable to breathe at all.

Yet again last night I was sitting watching TV and just itching to go to my bed and sleep. It was only 6:30pm when I started to feel that I just couldn’t sit there any longer, but I couldn’t go as I had to wait and take my meds. So I sat there watching the clock like a hawk for 8 pm to appear, I don’t think it was helped by the fact that I was sat there alone, Adam was in the kitchen ironing his work shirts, so I had no one to talk to, or keep my mind moving other than what I was watching. So I waited and waited, every time Adam came through for a break, I brightened while he was there, then immediately after I wanted to give in and sleep. My taking my meds and Adam finishing his ironing coincided, by the time he had finished putting everything away I felt that I had to sit with him for a while, it felt rude to disappear just as he reappeared. I managed to last half an hour, but that was it, not one more minute was available to me and my bed wasn’t just beckoning any longer, it was screaming at me. I just don’t get this, why am I so tired and so unable to make it through an evening just now? I keep holding onto the thought that it is just one of those phases, but if I am honest, I would quite happily sleep from 7 onwards, I haven’t done that for a long time, but I just feel so drained. I have to give it a couple of weeks before I make up my mind about any of it, but we will see, I really don’t want to be in bed that early, I would never see Adam if I did.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 11/08/12 – An alien invasion

I woke this morning instantly aware of the strangest thing, my index finger on my right hand was dead, no wrong word, it was numb like it was asleep apart from a small point at the very tip which felt as though there was a needle stuck in it or I had burnt it. The movement was normal and so was the rest of my hand, just this one strange finger which took nearly an hour to return, other than……