Falling into the abyse

The shower engineer has been and gone, but I am now getting ready for a fight with Triton the company who made the shower. The engineer had been in the bathroom just minutes when he asked me to join him in the bathroom so he could show me something, there was one of the wires from the main supply loose and attached to nothing. He said he was surprised it hadn’t gone before, it was clear he thought he was showing me the work of our bathroom installers, but of course, it was the work of one of their engineers who replaced the unit a couple of years ago when it failed during its warranty period. He was rather shocked when I told him and said he was actually really surprised that it had lasted as long as it had and he called in the details of what he found. When I signed to say the shower was now fixed, I asked him who I should contact about the work of his college as I didn’t think I should have to pay for a repair that was caused by them. I have in fact just come off the phone and I am waiting for them to call me back, I don’t think the operator I spoke to felt she could handle the situation and she said she needed to talk to her supervisor and they would call me back, so I am now doing the thing I guess I do best these days, waiting. I hate it when things like this happen, especially when it involves a company you have always trusted, I don’t think I have ever had a shower that wasn’t made by Triton, whether it was by my choice or just happened to be already fitted where I lived. It was actually the company I chose without a seconds thought when we had the bathroom redone, as I couldn’t think of any better company to give my money to, as I believed I was getting quality product and service, now I am left wondering.

Dealing with any form of conflict is one of the things that gets harder when your body and mind are failing you, I am at this moment actually surprised just how calm I am managing to keep myself as usually things just start flying without my consent. I am making a stab at a guess here, but it may be simply because I have had a couple of days building up to what I knew would be a disturbing day, knowing in advance may have just been enough for my brain to prepare itself. I know it is down to the damage being done to my brain, but anything that happens out of the blue is guaranteed to send me off the ledge and flying in a hundred directions of confusion at once. It is almost as though I can no longer process quickly enough, the reality of the situation and the confusion that that breeds is enough for me to become more than just wound up but ready to explode the second it appears. Being agitated along with what I would describe as a mist covering over all the logical parts, well I loose it, not as in violently or anything like that, it is all inside my mind, but I then find it hard to calm down or refocus.

I so wish I hadn’t written any of that, just as I placed the last full stop the phone rang, the story the engineer is giving to them is different from what he had told me, he said that the loose wiring was there from the original install, not by the engineer who was here 2 years ago. I can’t prove it and I know there was no point in my arguing as I wasn’t going to win, but the tears appeared just as I put the phone down, at least for once it waited, the strange thing is the girl on the phone apologised several times, I honestly got the feeling she thought I was right and they were covering. Of course as luck would have it, the door bell rang in seconds and it was my not loved delivery man, who once again scattered my shopping all over the hall and not neatly as the others do in a single pile, when I said to him that pushing my door bell twice wouldn’t get the door answered sooner as I was moving as fast as I could, he just came back with that he had just 9 minutes to deliver and he didn’t have time to wait around. All of which has wound me up even further, my emotions are now raw and on the surface and I am finding it really hard to focus on just putting this all into words.

This is the part of my illness that I hate almost as much, if not more than the pain, life means we all have to have contact with people, three short contact points and I am a mess, left feeling shattered and strangely lost, as though I am inside looking out through a maze made of mist and I can’t find my way back. If I am totally honest it is actually scary place to be and it doesn’t matter how many times I find myself here, I continually find myself feeling more and more scared by it, I suppose it is a fear that one day it won’t end, that I might find myself stuck here forever. Unable to just deal with the world, the only thing I know without a doubt is that being housebound, means my contact with strangers is limited, I honestly wouldn’t manage out there. The closest feeling I can compare to it is one that has only happened a couple of times in my life, but I found myself feeling terrified by a crowd. The feeling is very similar to how I feel now when I have to deal with anyone that I don’t know, add in any other stress and I fall to pieces, but I guess that is now my life.

 

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 22/07/12 – What’s next?

The worst of yesterday is now past, I think I find arguments so distressing as it really isn’t something I have ever gotten into, except with my first husband and as my daughter knows, unfortunately, those were not funny. I now seem to have a built-in defective position, one that I can’t escape and hurts majorly, as I wind myself up during them for the worst outcomes. Adam and I although we…..

2 thoughts on “Falling into the abyse

  1. If the loose wire was there from the original installation, then the engineer who visited 2 years ago should have found it. Why don’t you write to them and refuse to pay on that basis ? It’s worth a try if you have the energy to do it. It is hard battling with people when you are unwell, I know. Good luck xxx

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  2. What a saga you are having with this shower thing, hope you get it resolved soon. What you say about how difficult you find these things and how angry/wound up you get/flying off the handle, is just how I’ve been getting more and more. The thing is, I’m just not convinced it’s down to the Fibro as that’s what they always and I don’t seem to get any further with it. I know that as well as the fatigue and memory getting much worse, my processing of info is also bad and getting worse, I also get very frustrated by it and don’t know how to cope with it?

    Physical things seem clearer how to cope with, all of these things I have issues with, I used to sail through, even if i did get agitated. I could multitask easily, deal with being on the phone all day in my job and at home, now I seem to dread the phone more, which seems really bizarre for me?

    Don’t know if there is any answer, perhaps I just wish the Doctor and others would take it more seriously and at least investigate properly? I had my ATOS Assessment last Wednesday, was in there for about an hour and a half, it was stressful but went as well as it could have done and I and the friend with me, tried to get across the memory, concentration, extreme fatigue and the processing of information and how that was just as difficult to deal with as the physical problems. Will take 3-6 weeks for a decision, fingers and anything else crossed please for me on this. Thanks.

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