The shower engineer has been and gone, but I am now getting ready for a fight with Triton the company who made the shower. The engineer had been in the bathroom just minutes when he asked me to join him in the bathroom so he could show me something, there was one of the wires from the main supply loose and attached to nothing. He said he was surprised it hadn’t gone before, it was clear he thought he was showing me the work of our bathroom installers, but of course, it was the work of one of their engineers who replaced the unit a couple of years ago when it failed during its warranty period. He was rather shocked when I told him and said he was actually really surprised that it had lasted as long as it had and he called in the details of what he found. When I signed to say the shower was now fixed, I asked him who I should contact about the work of his college as I didn’t think I should have to pay for a repair that was caused by them. I have in fact just come off the phone and I am waiting for them to call me back, I don’t think the operator I spoke to felt she could handle the situation and she said she needed to talk to her supervisor and they would call me back, so I am now doing the thing I guess I do best these days, waiting. I hate it when things like this happen, especially when it involves a company you have always trusted, I don’t think I have ever had a shower that wasn’t made by Triton, whether it was by my choice or just happened to be already fitted where I lived. It was actually the company I chose without a seconds thought when we had the bathroom redone, as I couldn’t think of any better company to give my money to, as I believed I was getting quality product and service, now I am left wondering.

Dealing with any form of conflict is one of the things that gets harder when your body and mind are failing you, I am at this moment actually surprised just how calm I am managing to keep myself as usually things just start flying without my consent. I am making a stab at a guess here, but it may be simply because I have had a couple of days building up to what I knew would be a disturbing day, knowing in advance may have just been enough for my brain to prepare itself. I know it is down to the damage being done to my brain, but anything that happens out of the blue is guaranteed to send me off the ledge and flying in a hundred directions of confusion at once. It is almost as though I can no longer process quickly enough, the reality of the situation and the confusion that that breeds is enough for me to become more than just wound up but ready to explode the second it appears. Being agitated along with what I would describe as a mist covering over all the logical parts, well I loose it, not as in violently or anything like that, it is all inside my mind, but I then find it hard to calm down or refocus.

I so wish I hadn’t written any of that, just as I placed the last full stop the phone rang, the story the engineer is giving to them is different from what he had told me, he said that the loose wiring was there from the original install, not by the engineer who was here 2 years ago. I can’t prove it and I know there was no point in my arguing as I wasn’t going to win, but the tears appeared just as I put the phone down, at least for once it waited, the strange thing is the girl on the phone apologised several times, I honestly got the feeling she thought I was right and they were covering. Of course as luck would have it, the door bell rang in seconds and it was my not loved delivery man, who once again scattered my shopping all over the hall and not neatly as the others do in a single pile, when I said to him that pushing my door bell twice wouldn’t get the door answered sooner as I was moving as fast as I could, he just came back with that he had just 9 minutes to deliver and he didn’t have time to wait around. All of which has wound me up even further, my emotions are now raw and on the surface and I am finding it really hard to focus on just putting this all into words.

This is the part of my illness that I hate almost as much, if not more than the pain, life means we all have to have contact with people, three short contact points and I am a mess, left feeling shattered and strangely lost, as though I am inside looking out through a maze made of mist and I can’t find my way back. If I am totally honest it is actually scary place to be and it doesn’t matter how many times I find myself here, I continually find myself feeling more and more scared by it, I suppose it is a fear that one day it won’t end, that I might find myself stuck here forever. Unable to just deal with the world, the only thing I know without a doubt is that being housebound, means my contact with strangers is limited, I honestly wouldn’t manage out there. The closest feeling I can compare to it is one that has only happened a couple of times in my life, but I found myself feeling terrified by a crowd. The feeling is very similar to how I feel now when I have to deal with anyone that I don’t know, add in any other stress and I fall to pieces, but I guess that is now my life.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 22/07/12 – What’s next?

The worst of yesterday is now past, I think I find arguments so distressing as it really isn’t something I have ever gotten into, except with my first husband and as my daughter knows, unfortunately, those were not funny. I now seem to have a built-in defective position, one that I can’t escape and hurts majorly, as I wind myself up during them for the worst outcomes. Adam and I although we…..