Switch off

My hands are really painful today, in fact, it started last night. The odd sensations started to get stronger until it changed from background to totally annoying and impossible to ignore, then suddenly the pain kicked in as well. From just above my wrists, to the tip of every finger there is pain strangely the worst of it is in the palm of each hand. It is the sort of place you just don’t expect pain, in fact, the only time I can ever remember pain in my palms was years ago when I was still using my walking stick. If I had either been on my feet a lot, or my legs were really bad and I was leaning too much on it, then I would start to get pain in the palm of my hand, even though the stick I had was designed for someone with painful hands and cradled my hand more than my just holding on to it. I guess though there are loads of muscles, nerves, and tendons that run through that area, so it shouldn’t be so surprising that it can actually cause pain, it’s just not a normal place shall we say. I can’t put a timescale on it as well it has been happening so long now that I have forgotten, but both my palms have had screwed up sensations, in that if I touch them with something, what I feel is as though I have a layer of sponge over them, dulling their ability to react normally to touch. I mentioned a few days ago that I can’t make a proper fist, well my palms play a part in that, as I close my hand, it starts to feel as though there is a piece of wood, placed across them blocking them from bending correctly. The other problems with my hands started a few months ago, with pain in the knuckle joints of both my thumbs, not like an arthritic pain, or one you would expect from damage of any sort. They don’t actually hurt that much, other than a background ache, until I let them actual joint touch something, even really lightly, that contact with something else sends it into agonising pain. Looking at it logically, I think that the nerves which tell you, you are touching something, have gone hyper and don’t know how else to relay the message back to my brain other than as pain.

Out of all of the muscles in my entire body, those in my hands are clearly the ones that I use the most, it doesn’t take Einstein to see that one, or to understand some of the pain that is there, if there is any part of me that I need more, well other than my heart, I can’t think of one. I am finding myself more and more just sitting with my arms sort of there, not moving just being, as they ache all the time, especially in the evenings when I just don’t know what to do with them. Fatigue is taking it’s toll on them and short of just doing nothing for the rest of my life, I don’t have a clue what to do about it. MS is like that, constantly putting problems in front of you to see if you are clever enough to work it out, or if you have learned anything from the years of it playing with you. I would love to say that I have the answer, that I know what to do about any of it, but I don’t, I am just like everyone else, searching around in the dark trying anything that I can think of that might make just a tiny difference.

This whole week has taken a lot out of me, I just haven’t been able to achieve anything that even feels positive, everything has been edged by this feeling of total exhaustion and a desire to just stop, stop everything. Just like when I don’t have to use my arms for anything, I just let them drop, hang there as useless as they feel, well that is the feeling I have had from my entire body, it just wants to stop. Unfortunately, there isn’t any way of just letting it hang as my arms do when a body stops it still has to be in contact with something, a chair, a bed, something that supports it and therefore it hasn’t stopped. All those nerves that are touching that bed are still alive, still sending messages back and forward, a constant chatter of pains, aches, and discomfort, there is never a full stop, other than sleep when my body at least feels silent to me. If there was a way of shutting up the nerves that send those messages, but still keeping the ones that control movement alive and able to work, that would to me be the greatest gift there has ever been. I suspect if that sort of treatment was offered to most MS patient there would be a queue waiting to have it done. Add in something to keep us awake and well I would call that almost a cure, even though there would still be loads of things to cope with, with those two subdued life would be much easier.

I don’t normally put out any recommendations for a company as well most manage to disappoint me, especially when it comes to customer service, but the one I chose just by chance to buy all my E-cig equipment from, has totally surpassed my expectations. I have detailed the problems I was having with new batteries and so on, over the past few days, but today instead of the two new batteries I was expecting to receive, a parcel arrived with three new batteries, all tested and working. I checked for myself and they are perfect, it’s one huge thumbs up to lallaboutique.com > http://bit.ly/1pWRD4z not have they quickly and totally made up for the problems I had, they went that one step further and that is truly rare!


Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 14/06/12 – I am on my way back.

I am behind on everything today as the visit from the Nurse took longer than I expected. She arrived slightly later than I expected and also had another nurse with her, the first surprise of the morning. I had already decided that I was going to be direct from the start and that I was not going to be pushed into something I wasn’t happy with or had already been tried and failed. We spoke for…..

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