Just an hour ago I was in agony, so much so I was on the verge of calling the doctor. I don’t know what caused it and all I can do is put it down to my MS, but the pain was blinding and tears were rolling down my face. I had just come back from the kitchen and sat down when suddenly from nowhere it started. My entire left side from just below my breast to touching my waistline was from a couple of inches from my spine to the centre of my ribcage was screaming at me, not as in a cramp or spam, but just blinding pain. I couldn’t take a breath but I knew that I had to relax and breath through it, taking time, to let it clear, which it appeared in no hurry to do and when I did eventually take a deeper breath as I needed to, the whole thing upped its game. Luckily I keep some of my booster pills right here at my PC so I took one and returned to controlled shallow breathing, before the time it would have taken the tablet to work it started to ease, I remained still just breathing and letting it do what it had to. It took a full 15 minutes to ease off enough for me to start to breath more normally and another 20 to drop to a level that I could get on with things. That was now 2 hours ago and I am still in pain, more to my back than the front and side but still there, still reminding me every few minutes, that it happened.

I can’t for the life of me work out what caused it or what it could be other than my MS, so I am left in the dark having to accept it was a spasm like none I have had before. I don’t understand why in the past couple of years my MS has become so fond of attacking my upper body. For years, it was purely my legs and arms, but now that it has found that I actually have a body to go with the limbs and brain it had already discovered, it is having huge fun finding out just how much it can really do. I can only guess that just as my limbs, the true damage is in my brain, as whatever happens it is always worse on my left side and it also spreads to other areas once triggered. Today it moved upwards to my armpit and down to my groin, not as bad as the central point in my side but it still spread, if it were pain from something inside me at that level I don’t think it would have spread, it would have stayed just where the damage that caused it was, that is why I worked out it had to be my MS. It is the first time thought that I have ever considered calling for help, the pain was really that bad that I just didn’t know what else to do, but I am glad now that I didn’t pick up that phone and scream for help, as I would have felt so stupid by the time it arrived. It has though left me wondering just how long do you put up with pain before you do call for help, half an hour, an hour, longer?

Yesterday was a special day, it was shopping day and it was a special shopping, well for me anyway. It was the first time in my adult life that I didn’t have included in my shopping at least one carton of cigarettes. I know that doesn’t sound much, especially when I add in that my cigarette draw still had over 50 packets in it but it usually is kept all the time at between 80 and 100 packets, if for some reason it drops below 80 I used to start worrying, if it feels any lower I would panic, even when I was fit enough to go out and buy more. I needed to know that my backup supply was fit and healthy enough to cover all possible situations, like them, not being delivered one fortnight, or my going into hospital and needing a supply here, for Adam to bring to me. So to me this is BIG news and something I was both surprised at and happy about, because of my new e-cigarette, I was totally at ease with the idea of not ordering any this fortnight and I am totally at ease with the idea of letting my backup supply drop to between 20 and 30 packets. I honestly never thought I would see a day when I wouldn’t be panicking about not having a huge supply just in case, I suppose all I need to do now is buy several more bottles of nicotine oil and stock them instead. I still don’t see me stopping smoking, but I have stuck to just 10 a day now quite happily, as even now there is something special about those little sticks of burning leaves that I love.

I just had to take a ten-minute break there, as the pain returned. Just as the first bout it started in my side and back and spread out from other upwards, more towards my armpit, I guess today is going to be one of those days, a day when I am just going to have to go with it and get through it. What with the other day being racked with mad sensations and now this, well I am now thinking that I am possibly in another phase of things getting worse again. It is really hard to ever pin these things down, I suppose if you have relapse remitting MS, it is easier as anything like this would be put down immediately as a relapse, but when you have progressive relapsing MS, it is a lot harder. When does progression turn into a relapse and when does a relapse return to progression? Personally, I have always been content to see things as phasic, my health seems to travel in waves, not recently have I felt that things were that bad that I needed to attack my body with steroids, the only answer they ever seem to come up with. I try hard to not ask for them as they really screw everything else up and finding a chemist who will just fill the prescription without a days delay for them to speak to the doctor to confirm the dose, seems to be impossible. The dose is normally 10 times what would normally be prescribed and I have to take them for at least a week, honestly, I feel worse on them than I ever did when I was on chemo.

I don’t know how I would be if I had called for them more often and there is no point even thinking about it, like a lot of things in this world you can only do what you think is right at the time and there is no point kicking yourself afterwards.

Please read my blog from 2 years ago today – 28/05/12 – Finding the path to content

Over the last few weeks I have been suffering with increased pain in my arms and legs, I think I have mentioned it several times in recently but I keep putting off calling the Doctor as I really wasn’t keen on upping any of my meds really. It looks as though I am going to have to give in and make that call. The whole of the weekend and again this morning the pain is just silly, I can find no relief when either……